Overwhelmed and Depressed

I am sure that 7cups will be a wonderful resource for me as I deal with my depression. However, it is just a little overwhelming. Subcommunities, groups, topics for posts. It makes my head a little dizzy. Enough about that.

My life has been thrown upside down and inside out. My therapist is on vacation. It's only going to be three weeks between sessions, but it's still kinda hard. Three weeks ago, the convenience store I was working at was closed by the corporation. We weren't making enough profit. So, now I am looking for work. I decided that I am going to take early retirement from Social Security and I will only need a part-time job. Everybody talks about there being lots of jobs out there. Well, I suspect there's a lot of age discrimination as well. I have applied at close to a dozen places only to be turned down.

So, not having a job is putting a lot of stress on me. Financial stuff is one of my top triggers. My physical health is not the greatest. Getting into seeing my doctor is about as easy as getting an appointment with the President. (well maybe not that bad) Being unemployed, I feel lost. It's like there's no purpose for me right now. It drives me inward and fuels my depression.

Most of the time, I keep the thoughts in my head on the positive side. However, when I get overwhelmed, those thoughts turn back to the hurtful things I was told as a child. "You will never amount to anything." "You're lazy." "You don't try hard enough." Nothing I did ever pleased her. There was never any physical harm done, but the words destroyed my self-confidence. "

The scary thing this time is that the thoughts I hear in my head come in her voice. It takes me back to childhood and I start believing the lies again. Now, it's hard to leave my apartment. I am not sleeping well. I have NO INTENTION of harming myself. I will not be doing that again. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Things go well, and my depression lifts. Then, boom, life falls apart and I feel like I lose all my progress.

While it's not a real solution to being alone and lonely, it seems that this place will make me feel less isolated and alone.

Papa