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PapaJeff59
478 M Embraced 4
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts78 Forum posts21 Forum upvotes41 Current upvotes41 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceJuly 9, 2023
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You know you're getting old when:
50 & Over Community / by PapaJeff59
Last post
 July 27th, 2023
...See more Alright, since we've all hit the Nifty 50's or Super 60's or more, we should be able to have some fun with this. Give a response to this. Let's be lighthearted,😄 You know you're getting old when: Your pharmacy list is longer than your grocery list.
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Why is This Happening Now?
Trauma Support / by PapaJeff59
Last post
 July 26th, 2023
...See more Growing up, I suffered a lot of emotional abuse from my mother. I grew up hearing things like, "You're lazy, you will never amount to anything, you don't try hard enough, you're selfish", and the like. I spent years in therapy dealing with this. I reached a point where it had less effect on me, other than little self-esteem. Depression has always been a part of my life. But for years now, mom issues haven't been a problem. A month ago, the store I worked for closed down, leaving me unemployed. I'm applying to lots of jobs, but am finding rejection, and financial problems. That fuels Depression, which fuels self-doubt, which fuels Depression (hamster wheel). I tend to not do much when I get like this. Ive had that little voice in my head telling me those old messages. But recently the little voice is my mother's voice. Suddenly I feel like the wounded 10 year old again. I thought I had moved past this. Will it ever end? I wish I could keep the past in the past. It doesn't help that my therapist is away for a couple weeks.
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Overwhelmed and Depressed
Newbie Hub / by PapaJeff59
Last post
 July 20th, 2023
...See more I am sure that 7cups will be a wonderful resource for me as I deal with my depression. However, it is just a little overwhelming. Subcommunities, groups, topics for posts. It makes my head a little dizzy. Enough about that. My life has been thrown upside down and inside out. My therapist is on vacation. It's only going to be three weeks between sessions, but it's still kinda hard. Three weeks ago, the convenience store I was working at was closed by the corporation. We weren't making enough profit. So, now I am looking for work. I decided that I am going to take early retirement from Social Security and I will only need a part-time job. Everybody talks about there being lots of jobs out there. Well, I suspect there's a lot of age discrimination as well. I have applied at close to a dozen places only to be turned down. So, not having a job is putting a lot of stress on me. Financial stuff is one of my top triggers. My physical health is not the greatest. Getting into seeing my doctor is about as easy as getting an appointment with the President. (well maybe not that bad) Being unemployed, I feel lost. It's like there's no purpose for me right now. It drives me inward and fuels my depression. Most of the time, I keep the thoughts in my head on the positive side. However, when I get overwhelmed, those thoughts turn back to the hurtful things I was told as a child. "You will never amount to anything." "You're lazy." "You don't try hard enough." Nothing I did ever pleased her. There was never any physical harm done, but the words destroyed my self-confidence. " The scary thing this time is that the thoughts I hear in my head come in her voice. It takes me back to childhood and I start believing the lies again. Now, it's hard to leave my apartment. I am not sleeping well. I have NO INTENTION of harming myself. I will not be doing that again. I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. Things go well, and my depression lifts. Then, boom, life falls apart and I feel like I lose all my progress. While it's not a real solution to being alone and lonely, it seems that this place will make me feel less isolated and alone. Papa
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The Attic
Depression Support / by PapaJeff59
Last post
 July 11th, 2023
...See more Being a visual learner, I often visualize my feelings and emotions. I want to share something that I have learned and maybe give ideas to someone else. I have described my mind as a museum with different rooms having different memories. The good memories are there for all to see. The bad memories upstairs, under lock and key. The museum is detailed in some poetry. Lately, the museum has given way to The Attic. Growing up we had an attic where all the "stuff" was stored. Momentoes, seasonal decorations, and the like, all in boxes. Well, I took that imagery and started looking at things as if they were in boxes. Some boxes hold wonderful memories and I like going back and opening those up now and again. However, there are a number of boxes that aren't happy memories, but bad ones that I don't want to see. Then there are boxes that are still sealed. Usually, those are memories that haven't been processed completely yet. But hidden behind the boxes, in the dark lies "the corner." It's that dark and scary place that threatens to just suck the joy and life from you. I've gotten lost in that corner once. People who cared about me rescued me and stopped me from letting go altogether. I have written a poem about the attic as well as the museum. I've only shown these writings to my therapist and a good friend. I hesitate to post them, not because I worry about criticism or negative reactions. I worry that my words might set off someone else. Growing up, I always was taking care of everyone else. It was my job to keep the peace, to not upset the status quo. However, I feel like I need to start sharing my story as well as ways I can get my feelings out to deal with them. So here's what I want to do. I will post the poems each as replies to this post. There will be trigger warnings in the title and before the work. So no one can say they weren't warned.
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Pay No Attention to the Man Behind the Curtain
Depression Support / by PapaJeff59
Last post
 July 10th, 2023
...See more Pardon if I steal a line from a movie...Please... You looked.😊 Well, since you looked. I'm PapaJeff. I've been in therapy and on meds for major depressive disorder and anxiety for a good 30 years now. I was raised in what appeared on the outside to be the perfect family (during the 60-70s). Mom and Dad, three daughters, and one son. All are active at church. Children are polite and well-behaved. Both parents show attention to their children. But underneath all that was a mom who would probably be diagnosed as Bipolar today. I was the one who took the brunt of "bad Mom." I tried to protect my sisters from her wrath. I played whatever role was needed. Scapegoat, punching bag, and more. Humor seemed to help deflect and calm the wrath. So, I got to be very good at one-liners, puns, etc. I still am to this day. I still struggle with the verbal and emotional abuse that happened. My self-confidence is rather shallow. I either come off as boisterous and funny or I try to disappear into the background. I ended up divorced three years ago because my ex did not want to see me healing and becoming my own person. So, I live alone. But I have two wonderful adult daughters, a son-in-law, and one fantastic granddaughter, who I spoil every chance I get. I've taught middle schoolers, was a pastor, and had a bunch of different retail positions. I had major surgery back in February when they replaced my shoulder. I am still regaining strength in the arm I'm currently unemployed. The convenience store I was working at was closed permanently by the corporation. I am looking, but finding nothing but rejection. All of this is just fuel for the depression. I am not really sure how I stumbled upon this place. Internet surfing while 3/4s asleep is not really recommended; but this time, it led to a good place, 7cups. Once I am more stable, I am interested in helping out, maybe as a listener. I did a lot of that as a pastor. If you have reached this paragraph without falling asleep or clicking the X in the corner; thank you. I hope to get to know people here. We are in this together.
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