Missing my parents

****Could be a trigger*******


I lost my mom when I was 19. She found out she had cancer and 6 weeks later she passed. I never addressed this. I moved with the times and acted how I wanted. I drank, stayed out all night, went to bars and snuck drinks and I partied. I went to work and was responisible. I have a sister who was 16 at the time and she lived with me. I was a good example but not a good example. I told people how I reall felt. If they didnt like it Oh well. I didnt care. I actually went to a bar where my dad hung out for years and I drank there, underage. I didnt care. I didnt drink right in front of him but I would act like I had a coke, but really had a rum and coke. I felt free. I moved away with my older sister and her husband. Her husband wanted me to grow up and leave the drama behind. I did but then shortly after, I got pregnant. My sister said I couldnt stay there and be a bad example on her daughter. Being Pregnant with out being married. I moved on my own then decided to move back to my old area with ,younger sister. When I had my son, he was my whole world. When he was 5 my dad passed. I really closed up. I realized I no longer had my parents. It was very tramatic. I couldnt have my mom help me get ready for my wedding, I couldnt have my dad walk me down the isle. My son wont have his grandparents.
I have problems with my mother in law. She will never accept me as her sons wife. I will never be good enough. It hurts really bad. I have spoke out to him and done everything I can. Esspecially during covid. (getting them food, going to the grocery store, helped around their house). My husband recently lost his father to cancer the same way my mom lost her life. It was hard for me to re-live this. I had to be strong while grieving. I miss him dearly. I went to restaurants, bars, family gatherings, etc. Anything he needed. Everything outside of my comfort zone especially with covid. Still it wasnt enough for my mother in law to see me any different. Last week she patted me on she arm and said see you later hun. After giving everyone a hug and kiss. Harsh.
So Today I went to talk to my mom at the cemetary. As I was talking and crying, I thougth about how my mom would never treat anyone like this. SHe would welcome anyone in and hug them a if they were blood. Thats how she was reaised and thats how she raised me. I hate it because I just want my M.I.L approval. But today, I have come to the realization that I'm not looking for her approval but actually looking for a piece of me that is gone. My mother. She is the next best thing. I need to let this go and move on and face it that I am not her child, I never will be her child and I will never be good enough for her baby. Maybe it was my mom passing so quickly, I couldnt process grieving. Maybe it was because I didnt want to see that my mom was gone. Maybe it was the tramitic part in my life. But today I needed to see this. This tramatic event in my life has determined how I have lived my lfe. I need to face this. I'm just not sure how I can.