Will it ever be the same?

TW//

I was raped twice in college.

after both of these instances, while at a party with well known NBA players, my best friend I invited to come with me was gang raped. It was on camera, but ofc nothing happened with the police. One of the players that invited me, gave my friend and I only a pill of ecstasy.

I still to this day do not know what that pill was, as I had taken ecstasy before and it did NOT make me feel like that.

These events happening so short in time caused me to harden up and never address what had happened. I became extremely hypersexual and tended to get involved with men that in various aspects reminded me of my assailants. My therapist at the time believed I was trying to feel as if I had control and minimize the situations.

fast forward, while I’m still in this IDGAF mindset, either drunk or high or both, I met a man who gave me allllll these promises of a wealthy extravagant life.

I had ran in the circles of pro athletes, rappers, millionaires etc so having the opportunity to have their life for my own seemed like a dream.

only it wasn’t a dream. He was a pimp.

I found myself in a sex trafficking ring.

I don’t want to talk too much about that yet. I’ve only been free for a year and I haven’t properly worked through it all.

I don’t want to trigger myself too much right now, so that’s something I can loop back to one day.

POINT TO ALL THIS.

I have been celibate for a year since I returned home.

I get anxiety thinking about the act of sex and feel like it’s transactional.

the last time I had sex with someone (fully willing) I felt like I was in a trance.

Will I ever get to the point where I enjoy sex again?

will this affect my dating life?

Will I ever meet someone who understands?

being 23, the dating scene is quite ICKY. I’m not trying to date, I obviously need to heal myself, but I do get anxiety thinking about when the time comes.