Trying to find peace
hello m24 my first post and it’s something that’s very hard for me to come out with.
when I was around 5 years old I was molested by my older cousin. My step father at the time would be later convicted for molesting my other cousins I’m not too sure if he molested me. Also another time on a school bus a older girl did sexual things to me. This has never bothered me none of my situation has bothered me until recently. Fast forward a couple years I was probably 7 I ended up molesting my nephew and probably around 14 I had touched my sleeping niece. The first thing I have to say is the amount of shame and guilt I have for this. I feel so fucking evil and sick. So confused I think I tuned all this out like I was in auto pilot. I didn’t start really thinking about it or understanding what I did until recently. I’m not making any sort of excuse. I just want reassurance that I am not a fucking pedofile. I’m not a fucking weirdo. I don’t want to hurt people but I feel sick and ashamed. I don’t have a therapist and I am consider getting one. I was born addicted to crack and my mother ODd never me my father. I have crippling social anxiety although I have made significant improvement. jus looking for advice.
Its very common people who have been molested end up doing it to someone else. It doesn’t make it right, but it’s a cycle you’ll need to break. Seeing a therapist is going to be the first priority.
A lot of times we are just on auto pilot trying to survive from past trauma. If you are struggling with thoughts about younger, get to a therapist. Sometimes we are not able to deal with the past until we are old enough and in a safe enough space that we can focus on the past.
The fact that you feel guilty means you have a good heart.
and yes, unfortunately people who have been molested often go and molest others. It’s not okay, but I believe it happens because it was their first sexual experience and so that’s what they think of when normal sexual urges come up later in life.
you CAN stop it though.
think of the pain you felt.
imagine it causing someone else the same pain.
i can already tell you don’t want that.
I believe you can heal. I know you can. And once you do, you will find peace.