The things I don't remember are the things that haunt me the most
Growing up I was sexually exploited, and I ended up in a lot of bad situations. I don't remember a lot of things, maybe the worst of things. And I feel it haunts me the most, to know that my body remembers feelings that my mind does not. I hate that maybe I will never know what happened to me exactly and what they did to me. I hate that I am not in tune with my own body and I have always felt so detached from it because of that.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I was sexually abused as a kid and I often feel the same way, detached and unable to remember everything. I'm not sure how to help, but I wanted to offer support and let you know you're not alone. Hang tight, things will get better one day.
Hi Oliver, Your post hit a note for me, having been through a similar situation myself. One of the things I'm particularly bothered by is the inability to distinguish exactly what occurred back then, to figure out the 'misty recollection' from the factual recall. I can't say I have any singular words of wisdom, other than to pass on my own thoughts about it... Namely that I think there is a reason there is a gap between what your body and mind remembers. Personally I think the reason is some kind of subconscious self preservation, a way of your body telling your mind that you're not ready for the full detail. A way that ensures you can process at the speed your mind is ready for. At the same point, it's also worth recognising that the place you find yourself in now, that you describe as being 'not in tune' is natural for you at this time. Natural in the sense that it's not worth fighting against, just let time heal (or try it's best to) heal those wounds you clearly still feel. With all my best wishes, Grits
@Grits1910 Hello, thank you for the reply, I have been told it is a way my mind found to protect me from it, but somehow I don't understand how it's supposed to be better like this. And I don't even know if I want to remember at all but the feelings sometimes become too much for me to handle and the confusion and frustration are real. I am sorry to hear that you went through something similar. I am trying to be as calm as I can, but I have been dealing with this for such a long time that I am tired of it too.
@OliverCas Yes, I hear what you're saying and can totally understand the place you're in, being overwhelmed by everything you're feeling in particular the sense of confusion and frustration. I've found it beneficial to journal about this, finding what I'm writing in itself doesn't necessarily make sense, but being able (in a limited way, confidentiality to myself and nobody else) to vent and get the thoughts and feelings 'out there'. I've found that sometimes it makes me really emotional, teary and prone to wanting to escape out of my immediate situation (go for a long walk alone), other times just leads me to be more frustrated, but often at that point I'm exhausted enough to sleep which does help. Anyway, I'm waffling... Sorry! Hope you're having a better day of it today. Take care of yourself. Grits
@Grits1910 I appreciate the reply. I do have some strategies to survive all this, some are healthier than others but I have been trying to choose the healthy ones. I run a lot when I am extremely overwhelmed and that exhausts me and it helps most of the time to just go to sleep and be done with it. But it has been hard lately, I am back home and it has been a rollercoaster for me to be back. Nothing bad happened here but I have just been remembering how everything was when I was younger and how much I had to work to be in the place I am today, mentally.