*TW* Sexual & Pysical Abuse

So when I was 13 I was raped by my boyfriend (at the time), I was extremely scared but I just thought it was normal (I’d never had a relationship before) so I never done anything about it and I stayed with him for a year and a half. During that time, he raped me many times during that timeframe and also physically abused and attacked me.

I never told anyone as once I left the relationship and realised it was wrong, I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone about it and quite frankly, too scared to mention it to anyone as I knew what he was capable of so I’ve kept it to myself all this time. I’ve only ever told my current boyfriend and the crisis team but never went into depth about it.

Just before my 18th birthday, I started dating someone else, he was a couple of years older than me. The first 3-4 times we met up were great and then I went to his house. We had sex (consensual) but after a few minutes I started freaking out and told him to stop, he didn’t listen at first but then he realised how upset I was and finally did.

After that, he started making me feel guilty saying I didn’t like him etc and I said I had to go (I generally had to go to do my cousins hair and makeup for her graduation) and he wouldn’t let me leave his house, he locked me in his room for 2 days and physically abused me multiple times.

Once I left, I obviously blocked him on everything as I knew that it was wrong but again I didn’t tell anyone because I was scared of him.

I’m waiting on trauma therapy as I’m having constant nightmares and flashbacks etc however I don’t know if I should tell my parents. I was thinking if I told them, not tell them who it was by and just say I never met them before.

My mam is very difficult, I know if I told her she would make me tell her their names and kick off/go after them which would make me worse (I obviously don’t want to happen, I just want to heal)

My stepdad has an aortic aneurysm and any stress can make it burst so I don’t want to tell him knowing that. I know he’s already upset and stressed enough knowing I’ve overdosed a few times and self harmed loads recently.

My dad has had heart attacks and strokes in the past and is now in sheltered accommodation, I honestly think he’s depressed and I know his heart broke when I told him about the overdoses and self harm and I just don’t know how he’ll be if I tell him this.

Can someone please give me some advice or guidance? My head is honestly all over and I don’t know what to do for the best🥺