*TW* 4 years sexually harassed by my lesbian best friend since high school 🥲

12 years ago, my new classmate entered my high school and changed my life forever. She first kissed me when we went to a tuition class while nobody was there. It felt weird, strange, but I didn't really stop her. It happened a few times. 👄That followed by her audacity to slip her finger into my vagina a few times - when me and my friends had a sleepover in her house (my first time), it did hurt, but I didn't remember what I really felt except feeling weird that nobody actually saw it. She would find an opportunity to do this again whenever we were in school. Despite all these, I became even closer to her - to the point that I became her "possesion" for four years, starting 2009. When I graduated high school in 2010, just like any other bi-sexual or straight teenager, I almost had a friendship with a few guys I met casually but she stopped me from doing so, because that made her jealous. I felt so unfair, but I succumbed to it. I always questioned myself what was going on between us. What did it mean? 💭 Nevertheless, I became so attached to her that I went to the same university as her, slept in her room, followed her around anywhere, used my allowance for her, let her sexually molest me anytime she wanted, fought and made up with her whenever myself was trying to signal the red flag. 🆘️ How it took a toll on me? Nobody knows there was anything sexual between us - we looked like best friends. Nobody knows that except me, my life was different than the way it should be. I didn't make any new friends while I entered university and becoming attached to her has made me an insecure and inferior loner, a misfit, a weirdo. I didn't get good grades and lost concentration in study, I became homesick, I felt worthless because, I kept coming back to her. She was that toxic she wouldn't let me have friends, except herself, while she had so much fun with her other friends and even had sex with another younger girl. It took 4 years for me to end this. 4 years. I could have been a happy teenager who studied art abroad and a carefree adult who loved having a cup of coffee with my colleagues. I wish I was wiser. But it's too late. It happened. It's now 2021 and I happen to recall this. I am very mad at myself and her for what had happened. I want to write her an email, but I know it might not help. I have never talked to a therapist. I have never told this to anyone. My life is a bit better now, but the pain won't go away. Is this PTSD? I also have no idea. Somedays I feel happy, somedays I feel like life is dull, no matter what I do. I hope any nice people here can give their thoughts about this. Anyone who had similar experiences, please know that we are in this together. 🙏🏼