Past and Present **TW**

i’m not sure if what happened to me can be classed as assaults but i know they caused me trauma. the first one was when i was 14, the first time i lost my virginity. i was curious about what sex was and was in my rebellious phase so was sort of up for most things however when it actually came to it, i was really scared. i told him that it’s okay as long as he used a condom yet halfway through he took it off and i didn’t know until afterwards. also he forced me into the doggy position and i felt very uncomfortable and was in a lot of pain. i told him i didn’t like it and wanted to switch back and maybe stop but he said “just a little longer” and then was pretty rough which obviously caused more pain. but yeah that was the first time that sorta started this fear. the next time was when i was interested in this guy a few weeks after the previous incident. i really believed that he cared for me until we were alone in my house one day and he just sorta pushed me into the 69 position, undressed me and forced his d*ck in my mouth and then started biting my clit and fingering me with really sharp nails. i still sometimes feel that pain now. i caused my dad some trauma as he came back home and saw it happening but if he didn’t come up, i don’t know what would’ve happened next so i am grateful for that. due to both of those things i have found it very hard to speak during sex and say that i am in pain or want my boyfriend to stop which is now causing him lots of distress as he doesn’t know if he’s hurting me or not. i’m also petrified to go out in the dark and/or alone because of the fear of being raped or sexually assaulted. it’s bad enough that i get pain during sex normally, but that then increases my fear of rape because they’re not going to be gentle with me meaning that i’m going to be in excruciating pain, not even moderately bearable. my fear of anal or anything going near that hole is very very prominent too which means that i am very scared of anal rape. like the mere thought of that makes me sick to my code and it literally feels like my soul is leaving my body, i’m that fearful of it. my boyfriend and i tried anal to overcome that fear but it never worked. when i was at school, i got bullied a lot and they’d spread rumours about me. the thing is, i was also being blackmailed and they said that they had actual info about me and that if i didn’t agree to those rumours then they would tell everyone the truth. anyway, that cause me to manifest what they claimed had happened to me, meaning that i was then living with the trauma of bully, real sexual assault, and fake sexual assault that felt real. that’s also caused a lot of problems for me as it just amplified my trauma. finally, i sometimes cant sleep at night because i’m so scared of someone breaking into my house and abusing me. if i even leave my room to go to the bathroom, i even have to bring a glass of water with me so it looks innocent but actually i can smash it over their head in self defence. anyway, if you made it this far, you are wonderful, amazing and so selfless! thank you for reading my story, cannot believe i wrote it actually! i am rarely able to open up about this stuff.