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PoisonAngel03
2,121 M Hopeful Heart 3
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts71 Forum posts23 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2023 Member sinceJanuary 19, 2021
Bio

it’s me, em. hello! < 3


Recent forum posts
Psychological wounds splitting open again (check the TW before reading and enter with caution)
Trauma Support / by PoisonAngel03
Last post
 March 16th, 2021
...See more **TW** sexual assult, capital letters, mention of r*pe, childhood sexual assult recently, my trauma has really been affecting me again. i noticed taht i had been sexually assulted three times instead of two and i feel like i should tell my family but i'm worried they wont understand why i'm bringing it up after 9 years or why i never spoke up about it before. truth is, i didn't know that it could be considered as sexual assult until now and i had buried it so deep into my childhood that i forgot it had even happened. it happened in a classroom full of people repeatedly even when i told him i didn't like it and wanted it to stop. i don't kniw how a teacher didn't notice or put a stop to it. i was 8 years old and it makes me feel so dirty, especially holw i didn't put up a fight. i was so confused about what was happening that i don't think i ever processed it. i think writing this is helping me to bury it again. i don't want to relive this trauma over and over again because it causes more pain to think about than all of the other ones. honestly this post is just me getting it out of my system so i can just avoid it and not get hurt by it anymore. i really really don't want ot face this one like i can the others because i was so young and innocent and i genuinely think that situation changed me and ruined my chances of success and comfort in life and could've also triggered my anxiety disorders. it's just so horrible to think that a demon child from 9 years ago can cause problems with intimacy with my current boyfriend even after us being together for 15 months, it still causes me problems. i am so scared to face sex, yet i do really want to do it in order to feel connected to my partner, which unfortunately i struggle to do and just experinece fear instead. last night i told 10 of my friends on a private story on snapchat that i am a victim of sexual assult and i am so insanely proud of myself for that. it was really really diffult thouhg. i just wish i could live without the burden and stresses of being avictim. i'm trying to redefine myslef from victim to survivor but it is so difficult and i don't think i'm strong enough to do it alone, i am really struggling with that. i just wish it whouldn't be so heavy all the time. it feels like i carry rocks around with me every day and so many opportunities are missed like i can't go out alone in the dark because i'm far too scared - i must always be on the phone with someone or with somoen in person to feel safe. that's not a very nice existence as it means i can never be independant, i will always rely on others in order ot live my life and just feel mildly contented in the outside world. finally, the social media awareness of sexual assultm especially in the uk, recent has been greatly appreciated but seeing it 24/7 can be really upsetting and triggering. people don't realise that posting it everywhere very quickly becomes an hourly reminded that YOU were assulted. YOU were hurt. YOU were violated. my trauma has never been so bad before and i think social media has a lot to say for that. i know they thikit's helpful and beneficial but why don't they ask a survivor. why don't they ask one of us what we think and how we feel. occassionally, it's ok to raise awareness but when theres 50 posts an hour on my feed, it is so difficult to avoid. also, i watched an episode of the bold type last night and there was awareness and a storyline about sexual abuse and rape. this triggered me i can't lie and also it dug into some emotos surrounding sexual assult that i didn't know i had. it made me feel so bare and vulnerable and i don't want to feel like that anymore. i dont want to be trapped in my trauma, i want to be free, and hopefully, one day i can be. that day certainly isn't today though. also, i saw my second abuser today. i have had three. and seeing him really triggered and upset me. i tried to stay calm but after my trauma being as bad as it is, i dont know why the universe made me see him, as if im not struggling enough with that at the moment. i told my boyfriend and my dad though so they're able to know he's still in the area and keep me safe thank you all so much for reading if you made it this far. this was just the opportunity for me to spill some things that have been really bothering me and i feel better now i've had the chance to get them off my chest. i have decided that i'm just going to try and rebury the trauma from when i was 8 as i have always done as i would rather not have to experience this pain. i wish i could talk to someone about this in person without breaking down. i wish i could have a face to face conversation with a therpaist, an adult, someone who understands me, another survivor. i don't want to feel alone anymore because i know i am not alone - i just don't personally know anyone like me. sorry for the spelling mistakes! i wrote in the flow and checking spelling errors would break that flow. replies are welcome, especially if you are like me. it would help to know i'm not alone
a silly experience today
Anxiety Support / by PoisonAngel03
Last post
 March 3rd, 2021
...See more not me starting to get super panicky after going the wrong way home and then seeing a glove on a primary school gate and thinking it was a creepy doll reaching out at me. the fact that it was dark and i was alone made it so much worse. and then i called my boyfriend 10 times and he didn’t answer so i ended up having a panic attack on a dark street. that’s my story for today 😅
Past and Present **TW**
Trauma Support / by PoisonAngel03
Last post
 February 27th, 2021
...See more i’m not sure if what happened to me can be classed as assaults but i know they caused me trauma. the first one was when i was 14, the first time i lost my virginity. i was curious about what sex was and was in my rebellious phase so was sort of up for most things however when it actually came to it, i was really scared. i told him that it’s okay as long as he used a condom yet halfway through he took it off and i didn’t know until afterwards. also he forced me into the doggy position and i felt very uncomfortable and was in a lot of pain. i told him i didn’t like it and wanted to switch back and maybe stop but he said “just a little longer” and then was pretty rough which obviously caused more pain. but yeah that was the first time that sorta started this fear. the next time was when i was interested in this guy a few weeks after the previous incident. i really believed that he cared for me until we were alone in my house one day and he just sorta pushed me into the 69 position, undressed me and forced his d*ck in my mouth and then started biting my clit and fingering me with really sharp nails. i still sometimes feel that pain now. i caused my dad some trauma as he came back home and saw it happening but if he didn’t come up, i don’t know what would’ve happened next so i am grateful for that. due to both of those things i have found it very hard to speak during sex and say that i am in pain or want my boyfriend to stop which is now causing him lots of distress as he doesn’t know if he’s hurting me or not. i’m also petrified to go out in the dark and/or alone because of the fear of being raped or sexually assaulted. it’s bad enough that i get pain during sex normally, but that then increases my fear of rape because they’re not going to be gentle with me meaning that i’m going to be in excruciating pain, not even moderately bearable. my fear of anal or anything going near that hole is very very prominent too which means that i am very scared of anal rape. like the mere thought of that makes me sick to my code and it literally feels like my soul is leaving my body, i’m that fearful of it. my boyfriend and i tried anal to overcome that fear but it never worked. when i was at school, i got bullied a lot and they’d spread rumours about me. the thing is, i was also being blackmailed and they said that they had actual info about me and that if i didn’t agree to those rumours then they would tell everyone the truth. anyway, that cause me to manifest what they claimed had happened to me, meaning that i was then living with the trauma of bully, real sexual assault, and fake sexual assault that felt real. that’s also caused a lot of problems for me as it just amplified my trauma. finally, i sometimes cant sleep at night because i’m so scared of someone breaking into my house and abusing me. if i even leave my room to go to the bathroom, i even have to bring a glass of water with me so it looks innocent but actually i can smash it over their head in self defence. anyway, if you made it this far, you are wonderful, amazing and so selfless! thank you for reading my story, cannot believe i wrote it actually! i am rarely able to open up about this stuff.
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