One more day.
How to deal with a broken soul? I thought things would be easier. I thought everything would get better with time. "Healing takes time". It doesn't seem to be working and my body is starting to feel tired. Every morning I wake up thinking it's just one more day, of one more week, of one more month in one more year, a year of just another life, a single life of millions of lives. What makes it so great?
One more day of memories. One more day of pain. One more day of guilt. A day to be tired since the very moment when I wake up. Guilt is unbearable, flashbacks are insufferable, dissociations are terrifying. I'm rotten to the core and I fear to spread this rot to the people surrounding me. If only they knew what a monster I'm inside they would flee, and I would understand.
School is overwhelming and there is no motivation in class. Assignments are piling up like dirty dishes in the kitchen sink and there is no one to clean them. My classmates suspect, and whisper between them. No more classes for me from now on.
Food, oh food is so disgusting. Reminds me of gross things, smells like him. A simple drip and I dissociate again. I wasn't like this before. I'm not healing, I'm getting worse.
Then night comes. Another night, with sounds and voices. Did I really hear his voice or did I just imagine it? I'm too scared to tell. I hear footsteps coming to my room but I live alone. Was that real too? But this is not my room, I'm in that room again. Nothing makes sense, I don't know what's going on. At least the door of the room is not closed. Good grace! I'm not locked in.
I'm finally falling asleep. At least I will rest. But he's after my friends in my dreams. He's about to catch them and I must deffend them. He hurts me and I wake up. No, i don't get any rest at all.
And so the sun rises again and it's another day, and I feel my soul is slowly giving up.
@Kimmkimm Hello Kimm, thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. It takes a lot to open up, especially to strangers. I wish you all the best; feel free to reach out to the listeners at any time if you ever need to chat with someone. You do not have to struggle alone.
Best wishes! :)
@lovelyWhisper66
Thank you so much. I've come to know the most amazing listeners in here. I've come to love them because they're amazing. I've made wonderful friends and I've got a family in here. But I can't be a burden for them. I can't corrupt them with the twisted things that are in my mind.
@Kimmkimm
I relate to this post a little too much!
your amazing kimm and I get it's so hard but *you* are so strong and so wonderful. I'm here for you always, you know where to find me if you need anything
@ALovelyFriend
You've already done too much for me and I'm thankful. I want you to be ok, I want you to heal. We all are here for you too and you deserve to get better. You're so supportive, please don't forget about yourself.
@Kimmkimm
thansk your great ❤️❤️❤️
@Kimmkimm
Hey Kimm ❤️
My dear friend, I only wish I could pull you up out of the suffering you are going through. I would not abandon you after you shown me your most vulnerable side. Even though you feel rotten on the inside, I assure you that it is okay to be rotten. It doesn't mean you're bad, just that you're going through a lot of pain.
Some days are awful, that is the way it will be. We cannot control how bad it gets on those days, but we only need to focus on getting through the worst of it. Hang in there, Kimm, you will get through this. There is no reasoning with the awful, just hold on tightly to the belief that things will get better again.
As for all your responsibilities, forget them for today. Just today, rest. You can figure it out later. Right now, staying afloat is the most important.
I understand the pain of feeling things get bad again, maybe even worse than it used to be. We're supposed to be recovering, why is this happening? The truth is: relapse is normal and is a sign that you are recovering. The human mind is an ingenious work of art; it knows that we cannot handle all of this pain at once. Your mind will bring up your pain bit by bit for you to process. This doesn't mean that you're falling backwards, it only means that your brain is allowing you to feel more of the pain that was already there. It was protecting you from this before, and allowing you to feel this only because it trusts that you will get through it.
Life is worth living for all the things we cherish. Life is worth living for the good times with your mum and your closest friends. Life is worth living for skating and good weather. Life is worth living for the hope that things could get better. For no one hopes for what they already have. Hope is about trusting in the future and in yourself.
I am sending all of my love and more, Kimm ❤️ I am here for you ❤️
@hopebeyondpain
My dear friend, I'm amazed how you always have the right words for me. I think no one understands me better than you do. How can I pay you all the thing you've done for me? What did I do so good to deserve a friend like you? I don't understand it. Thank you so much. I think I owe you a hug, so tight and warm. I hope I can give it to you one day, for real.
You see things in a different way. I see it almost empty you see it like it's starting to be filled. And I thank you so much. I would never think that my mind can do that and it makes perfect sense. I hope you're ok, I really do. Because that's the only hope I have for now.
Thank you. So, so much. I will never be able to thank you enough. I love you 💗💗💗💗💗
@Kimmkimm
hey :) i've come to know you better and better over the times we have chatted, so i know how strong and amazing you are. you are so brave, and you have such an amazingly kind heart. you are not a burden, not at all, you help me so much as well. i hate seeing you in all this pain, but i know you're going to get through it. going through pain and suffering only means that you're on your way to recover from everything. i know that one day you're going to be so proud of yourself for getting there. i'm always going to be here for you, and i know everyone else is too.
take care of yourself, breathe, do something relaxing, take your mind off things. if you ever need to talk, or rant, or just virtually sit and hug someone, i'm here for you.
sending lots and lots of love, kenzie <3 :)
@kenziehhh
Thank you, Kenzie. I've come to know you enough to realize that you're an excelent person and a wonderful friend. And I wish I could believe every word you say, but I can't see hope now. I don't know where it will lead me, but it is dark everywhere. I'm sorry to be so negative. I feel defeated. Everything is pointless.
@Kimmkimm
you don't have to apologise about anything, i understand what you're going through hurts so much and is so painful. i can see so much potential and hope in you, and i have every bit of faith in you to push through. you're so strong and brave for making it this far. everything is the opposite of pointless. <3 :]
@kenziehhh
Thank you, Kenzie. I hope you're right 💖
@Kimmkimm
Thank you for sharing your feelings sweetie! I an relate so much to this post that I feel like the gap between us is getting smaller and smaller(sorry for inappropriate word use???) as I connect and understand your feelings more. I appreciate the courage and effort you took to open your thoughts to us, and I am grateful to be one of them. I am always here for hugs chat company and comfort if you need so. Healing is such -- a long process that I - ugh! - absolutely hates for the time it takes, but here we all are, trying to heal ourselves and heal each other. I really hope your day gets better. Here's all the luckiness from Jnyx and I wish they put a smile on your face 😊
Love you hon~
@Jnyx
Of course you put a snile on my face, you always do. I'm so happy because I can talk to you again. I missed you tons and It comforts me to know that you're ok. I know, things can be similar to some of us. It shouldn't be, no one should pass through this but, as you say, we have each other and we will prevail.
Thank you so much for being here. I'm happy because we can keep in touch.
I love you too 💖💖