My only friends are talking to my abuser. Help.
Hello. I’ve been diagnosed with PTSD for three years now from sexual and emotional abuse from a couple different people. They are all connected and know each other in some way. Yesterday my closest friends (sisters basically) confessed that they are back in contact with my worst abuser (who is also a girl for context.) I didn’t react at first. I’m an emotional repressor and just wanted to have fun. Later that night the moment I was alone, I blew up crying, shaking, and wanting to vomit. They said they’re doing this for their own closure and want to be close again. I messaged them the same night that I am happy for them but wished they didn’t do this. They’re upset with me now and said that they would call me. Nothing so far. I can’t go into everything this girl did to me because it’s really hard to talk about and it’s a list a mile long of years of emotional and sexual abuse just from her alone. And if I haven’t met her, the other people who abused me too would of left me alone. I would of never met them. I haven’t had been triggered this bad in a long time. Last night, I spend all hours of the night sobbing. And when I finally feel asleep from the exhaustion, I woke right back up trembling uncontrollably. Right now I feel so sick and weak. If anyone has any ideas on how to ease the physical symptoms I would love to hear it. Theses girls have a good idea of what I’ve been through. I don’t know if they truly know the whole picture or just forgot the severity I couldn’t say. It boggles my mind that the people who saved my life from committing suicide wants to be friends with one of the people who played a huge role of putting me in that situation in the first place. I don’t know if I will ever be truly healed or just too broken to fix my symptoms. I wish I could get help for it right now but it’s not an option at the moment. I just don’t know what to do. I’m so upset. I’ve never been this triggered in a very long time. I feel so alone and unheard. I’ve been trained to believe that my emotions don’t matter to anyone and this is putting me leaps backwards to my healing path. I feel so worthless. I wonder if I’m just better off alone or dead. Any advice on how to cope will be greatly appreciated. Thank you for hearing my story and sorry for any confusion.
@Tage
Hey! It's so brave of you to open up here
I can't imagine what it must have been like for you *offers hugs and strength*
It seems like the friends whom you once trusted are talking and getting close to the person who hurt you. It might help to try and directly confront them about it and tell them about how uncomfortable it makes you..
Coming to the topic of your physical symptoms, it sounds like they might be resulting from PTSD anxiety. Here's a site that might help with dealing with such symptoms: https://www.verywellmind.com/ways-of-coping-with-anxiety-2797619
I understand the thoughts can be awfully intrusive so I'm not going to say "try to ignore such thoughts". It may feel like being alone might be better, but isolation only worsens the symptoms. You don't necessarily need to talk about the trauma. Sometimes, even a casual discussion can help one to feel better.
As for emotional symptoms, this site may help: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/coping-with-emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
As for healing, I assure you it's going to be a long journey but it *is* possible to come out on the other side. On my journey, I was thrown back to square one multiple times but I have gotten better And you will too..
Please take care of yourself, always...*Reminder: You matter!*
~Sierra
Awe I understand how you feel. My sister married my abuser after I kept my rape baby. He was our moms age, so gross. She introduced us and set me up to get assaulted on other previous occasions as well. Before I got into kindergarten, and also I was assaulted by my dad as an infant and she says I liked it. Worse sister ever. I shut my emotions off to try to accommodate the situation because nobody cared about me. There’s a lot of crappy people in this world. I happen to be related to a bunch. I had a friend I knew all my life, she was on my side but switched. All for the drugs. Most people who know don’t support me. They don’t know how. Most can’t relate. In a way they’re lucky, who want to imagine how it feels. I don’t want them to hurt for me. I just wished they would respect me and feel resentment to those who harmed me. That’s what good people do. I have left all those people behind. It’s taken a long time but I feel better for it. I can be alone if that’s what it comes to. I think new friends is the answer. There’s some really great people out there who will have your back. You shouldn’t settle and ignore your pain for nobody. You shouldn’t have to ask for support from a true friend, it should be a natural instinct. I know it hurts to loose the closest friends. Not all friends are meant to be forever, they change, life changes everyone. I’d like to think it’s opened the door for a chance to meet better people for a better future. Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to the spa or have a bubble bath and spoil yourself often. Pamper yourself, self love is so important. Your so worth it, don’t let anyone change you. You deserve so much more from the people around you. I know it’s hard to find new people to bond with. A new job and relocation has worked for me. I hope you find better friends and healing. I know it’s hard to talk about. I can’t talk freely either. I think it will help when you do. I’d be happy to listen, I’m sure there would be many people here who will understand as well. Thank you for your post. It triggered me, I’d like to scoop you up and protect you, make it all go away. I just doesn’t work that way. Just know your not alone.