My ex-boyfriend touched me without my permission
I'm having trouble recovering from something my ex-boyfriend did to me. When he first visited my apartment, before we were in a relationship officially, he all of a sudden started biting my breasts even as I said no. I was shocked. I had never shown my breasts to anyone before. I can't remember if he asked to see my bra and if I told him "yes" or "no", I don't remember what happened clearly, but I know I wouldn't let him see my breasts and when this was happening I remember saying things out loud like "Oh my god, what's happening to me? What are you doing? I can't believe this is happening right now". So while I don't remember the incident well, I know I did not want it to be happening then. But I thought "well, we love each other so maybe it's okay?" and I just accepted it and did not bring it up to him because I did not want to make him feel bad. Later he said, "you were saying 'no, no, no'?" and I responded "yeah, the biting was hurting me and I wanted you to stop, but don't worry about it." Because of this incident, I let him touch me more and even gave him permission to touch me in certain ways. When I was giving permission, he said "Are you sure? I don't want you to have regrets." I am confused by this because how can he say this when he had already violated me first? And then later, he lifted my skirt and moved my underwear and started kissing me there - I was shocked by this too, I never showed this part to anyone else before and I was not ready for this to be happening. :( I felt violated and stunned that someone would think it's okay to do this to someone when they're not in a relationship with them yet. Again, because I liked him so much and because he had already touched me on the breasts, I just accepted it again even though I didn't want to. :( But at my core, I felt disrespected and hurt. When he already started kissing me there, he asked me if it's ok if he gave me oral sex - but since he had already started kissing me there without asking me, I thought "but you're already giving me oral sex, aren't you?" and just said 'sure' and went with it because it was already happening (even though I didn't want it to be), in my view. Then that night, he asked me to be in a relationship with him, I said "well yes, of course we're in a relationship because you have already touched my body." He seemed confused, but then we were in a relationship from there on. This was my first relationship ever, at age 22. He was 28. The relationship turned worse and worse with time, with him making grand declarations of love and claiming he would die for me, but then not keeping promises, never wanting to discuss relationship problems, and so forth. When I would try to tell him that I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship, he got mad and would say "so you don't trust me?! Why are you with me if you don't trust me?!" When I told him I was struggling with depression symptoms (I had struggled with some depression all my life), he got mad at me and said "how can you be depressed when you are with me??! Am I not good enough for you??!" Then, I was silly enough to lose my virginity to this jack@ss, about 6 months into the relationship. It was a very disappointing experience - very short-lived and no pleasure. After this, he treated me even worse, like forcing me to go to a bar to meet his buddies when I already told him that I hate being around alcohol because I had an abusive alcoholic father and I don't drink. From this I also found out that he did not remember any of the things I shared with him about the trauma I experienced with my father - which was so bad to the point that I had to call the police on my own father. I was devastated by this fact that 'wow, I have gave my virginity and my self to someone who doesn't even remember any of the important things I've shared with him, any of the important things about me, who doesn't listen to me or want to know about me..." When I tried to talk with him about all of this, he would just get mad or minimize it, or tell me "I know you, you exaggerate." :( Words can't describe how much all of this hurts. At 8 months of the relationship, I cussed him out and broke up with him, and blocked him on all social media. This breakup happened 9 months ago, but I am struggling with the effects. I don't miss him at all, but I am so upset that I let him touch me - especially letting him touch me without my permission. I'm upset that I got into a relationship with him at all because there were so many red flags and reasons to not trust him in the first place. I could have avoided all this and the subsequent 9 months of suffering post-breakup from trauma-like symptoms. I went to a therapist at my campus (she was actually an intern), but she was very poorly skilled and did not help me, just made me feel worse. How do I come to peace with all that has happened and recover? Help.
Hey there, @RestrictedSoul22
I'm sorry this answer is 2 weeks after you published your post. I hope you still see this message.
First of all, I want you to know that you should not blame yourself for anything that happened. And in my opinion, what happened to you was not sex. Sex is with consent. You have given him enough signs that you weren't ready or comfortable and that should be enough. I truly understand the feeling of 'I have given my virginity to someone like this', out of personal experiences, but this isn't your fault. You still have your virginity, the virginity of actually giving your body to someone for the first time, making love, feeling actual love... I am so sorry that you had to go through this, this can affect us and our future relationships a lot. He truly seems like an extremely manipulative person and someone that didn't respect you at all. Didn't we all ignore red flags at some point? That is what we do when we love someone and want to be loved.
This might be a long and hard ride for you, but you will recover from this and find actual love within yourself and from another person. I feel like self-blame is present a lot here, because of how he blamed you and made you feel bad for things that were perfectly normal and shouldn't be something you feel bad about. Work on that, try to love yourself again... Your body is a temple, and it is yours. Not his. To me, virginity is just a thing made up by society to make us feel bad about ourselves. Everyone has different opinions on that ofcourse. And it isn't easy to get rid of that mindset... but you will get there.
You are such a strong person, things take time and love yourself, because you deserve that!
Unfortunately, we can't PM, but we can always sort of communicate through this post if you want to.
Stay safe, x Siel
I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Please don't blame yourself!
Everything ButterflySiel said is right, you said no, he heard you, and he carried on anyway. I've been in your shoes, and said all the same things to myself - why did I go along with it? Why did I ignore those red flags? What's wrong with me?
In my case, I ended up in relationships like this a few times, so I want you to know what I wish I had known after the first time : you deserve better. Most men aren't like this. Trust your gut instinct. If something feels off, listen to that voice and leave. Don't ever feel like you have to prioritise their feelings over your needs. Look for someone who listens to you, who is kind and gentle. You are not broken, this has not ruined you, you will find someone as lovely as you are.
Also, you mentioned your dad. I don't want to make assumptions about what happened with him, but it's not unusual for people who've experienced abusive relationships (including verbally, or emotionally unavailable, and especially when it's with a parent) to form attachments to other abusive people. This is because their measure of what's 'normal' is a bit skewed. Not sure if it's relevant here but perhaps something to think about.
@Rosa9570
I want to thank you both for posting. Thank you so much for your kind and thoughtful words, it truly means a lot to me and is so healing and helpful. It's been more than a year since I wrote this post, and two years since the breakup overall, and I can honestly say I'm feeling much better and more whole than before. I still have rough moments and days, but it is so much better than before and I believe will continue getting better with time and healing.
And you were spot on, my dad was very abusive verbally and emotionally. So I truly do think I entered the world with a skewed perception of normal and had more difficulty being assertive and placing boundaries, and more difficulties identifying abuse. So it's been such a long learning journey, but kind thoughtful people like you help make it better. Thank you from the heart for your support.
Although I don't have any good advice I wanted you to know that I read your story. You are heard and I'm very sorry you went through this.
