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Anxiety Support / by RestrictedSoul22

June 29th, 2023

Confusing situation with mom

Family & Caregivers / by RestrictedSoul22

February 7th, 2021

...See more I am so confused. My mom is wonderful and I love her very much, but we've been having the same argument for years now, especially during quarantine. It seems to never get resolved; whenever we thought we resolved it, we end up arguing again. Some background- So, during my senior year in 2014, I was applying to universities. I knew I wanted to leave home because it's a toxic environment, while at the same time, I had money issues/constraints. The local university, while not well-ranked, offered a full scholarship to me. While I did not particularly like the university, I thought it would be the best choice towards moving out without having to take debt, and I would be in the same city as family. I asked my mom if I could get a dorm or apartment if I go there, she said "yes, we'll see into that. No worries, feel free to apply". In 2015, I start university and get a part-time supermarket job to help save up money towards moving out. I was highly stressed from the job as I was being harrassed at work and was very socially anxious there - to the point that I started having panic attacks and it was interfering with my schoolwork. Meanwhile, a new scholarship came in, and I started getting a $4000 refund after scholarships each semester, which made the part-time job seem largely pointless to me. I asked mom if she thinks I could quit the supermarket job, she said yes, and so I quit. Fast forward to summer 2016, I just completed my first university semester while living at home, and had $6000 saved up to move out. So, I told my mom I think I'm ready to move out and went to her asking about average rent prices and utility payments (I knew nothing about those) and she said "What? No. You can't move out." I was so surprised. My father also came around and said "that's a stupid idea - why would you move out when you go to school in the same city and already have a home here." I was speechless. In 2014, they were so supportive, my father had said "we'll support whatever you want to do." and remember, mom had said yes when I asked about dorm or apartment. I told them how much money I had saved up. Mom said "No, you don't have enough money." and father said "you'll be making the stupidest mistake of your life if you move out." I was so surprised, how could $6000 not be enough money, I asked her why and she kept repeating "No, that is not enough at all. Who knows what kind of roommate you'd find. Rent is super expensive, our electricity bill alone was $300-$400 when renting, not to mention all the other bills. What about furniture. It is really stupid to live seperate in the same city when you already have a home here." I was speechless. And I believed her that it was too expensive because I knew nothing about renting at all, so I didn't investigate further. I was so upset because I made my university choice based on being able to move out for the cheapest amount possible and without debt, and now she's telling me it's just not possible for me to afford to move out (when now I know that's not true). I could have gone to a much better, more prestigious school and received a better education if they had told me I wouldn't be able to move out iny my home city when I was applying for schools in 2014 ... Dad added "Plus, you don't know how to drive. How would you move out without knowing how to drive??" (they had said they would teach me to drive and didn't... dad started teaching me and then got lazy and quit, giving the task to mom, mom attempted but kept being nervous and panicky while we were driving, so it didn't work, I couldn't learn with her...) And public transport sucks in our city, so it would be unreliable for keeping a part-time job... I got a part-time job that summer 2016 and then got laid off from it... was also afraid that work would interfere with my grades, so I thought I shouldn't part-time work in order to keep the gpa high enough to get into grad. school... after them, I was convinced that I couldn't afford to move-out even with working part-time, so I didn't attempt... being stuck trying to study in a toxic environment where they all smoke indoors (5 adults in the home, everyone smoking except me), all of them keep the tv super loud even at night, frequent drama/fights/and even sometimes physical altercations in the house, not allowed to walk outside of the house without their permission, can't drive anywhere... all of this made me super depressed and anxious during my undergrad years and developed different health problems, made it hard for me to learn ... I sometimes cried and tried to talk about this situation with my mom because I was so confused, to try to clarify where the misunderstandings were in 2014, why did she say yes then and now no, what about my health and future... during these talks, she would just defend herself and blame me essentially... dad was even worse... felt so confused and alone ... Anyways, this went on for 3 years until I graduated undergrad with a 3.81 and got into a prestigious master's program. I made sure the program l was in another state and moved out!!! Had to take significant debt though because my GPA and resume weren't enough to qualify for more scholarships from grad school. Graduated from the master's program during this corona time. Had to move back to live with my parents during the job search.. Got a paid internship within two months of graduation, however, it pays abysmally low. Had 3 job interviews recently, waiting anxiously for the results so that I can move out soon! My paranoid schizophrenic drug-addicted uncle moved in with us recently and it's been a hoot. Found out my father is diagnosed NPD too. Had to almost call the cops recently because them two were about to get into a physical altercation. So back to me and mom, we've been arguing about this whole 2016 thing at least once a month! I'm upset because I believe could have (and would have) gone to a better undergrad university if she did not give the initial misleading impression that I could get a dorm or apartment if I stayed at the local university. I was an excellent high school student and could have gone almost anywhere - but instead ended up being stuck at home studying at a lower university. A professor literally told me (in secret) that she had to dumb our classes because the caliber of students at the undergrad uni was so bad! And so I could have gone to a better undergrad, and maybe even gotten into an even better master's or even PhD program by now, and thus would have even better more secure career chances, so that I would never have to live here again as I'm doing now! Who knows, maybe I would have had higher chance of getting into a fully funded grad program if I went to a better undergrad, and hence I wouldn't even have as much debt as I do now. Plus, those 3 extra years of being here greatly contributed to the worsening of my mental and physical health I believe, and made it much harder to learn and hone my skills better, so now I am a professional that lacks much confidence and with significant mental and physical health struggles ... My mom apologized very sincerely for her role in it. She just said that she didn't realize that I wanted to move out (even though I told her several times, even crying!) and that she thought it was best for me to be at home because the world is filled with bad people and she wasn't sure how I would make it, especially as a female (fyi, my parents are immigrants and in our culture, it's unusual for girls to move out young). She said she feels guilty and bad about it because she realizes the effects it's had on me. I can definitely forgive her about it, she's a wonderful person. I'm just still so confused about what happened, if I have a right to feel mad about this, and what was my role in it also - what could I have done differently, if anything. Any help or thoughts to make sense of the situation and to make peace with it are greatly appreciated <3 thank you

Perfectionism - Learning to get out of my own way

Trauma Support / by RestrictedSoul22

August 26th, 2020

My ex-boyfriend touched me without my permission

Trauma Support / by RestrictedSoul22

October 3rd, 2021

...See more I'm having trouble recovering from something my ex-boyfriend did to me. When he first visited my apartment, before we were in a relationship officially, he all of a sudden started biting my breasts even as I said no. I was shocked. I had never shown my breasts to anyone before. I can't remember if he asked to see my bra and if I told him "yes" or "no", I don't remember what happened clearly, but I know I wouldn't let him see my breasts and when this was happening I remember saying things out loud like "Oh my god, what's happening to me? What are you doing? I can't believe this is happening right now". So while I don't remember the incident well, I know I did not want it to be happening then. But I thought "well, we love each other so maybe it's okay?" and I just accepted it and did not bring it up to him because I did not want to make him feel bad. Later he said, "you were saying 'no, no, no'?" and I responded "yeah, the biting was hurting me and I wanted you to stop, but don't worry about it." Because of this incident, I let him touch me more and even gave him permission to touch me in certain ways. When I was giving permission, he said "Are you sure? I don't want you to have regrets." I am confused by this because how can he say this when he had already violated me first? And then later, he lifted my skirt and moved my underwear and started kissing me there - I was shocked by this too, I never showed this part to anyone else before and I was not ready for this to be happening. :( I felt violated and stunned that someone would think it's okay to do this to someone when they're not in a relationship with them yet. Again, because I liked him so much and because he had already touched me on the breasts, I just accepted it again even though I didn't want to. :( But at my core, I felt disrespected and hurt. When he already started kissing me there, he asked me if it's ok if he gave me oral sex - but since he had already started kissing me there without asking me, I thought "but you're already giving me oral sex, aren't you?" and just said 'sure' and went with it because it was already happening (even though I didn't want it to be), in my view. Then that night, he asked me to be in a relationship with him, I said "well yes, of course we're in a relationship because you have already touched my body." He seemed confused, but then we were in a relationship from there on. This was my first relationship ever, at age 22. He was 28. The relationship turned worse and worse with time, with him making grand declarations of love and claiming he would die for me, but then not keeping promises, never wanting to discuss relationship problems, and so forth. When I would try to tell him that I didn't feel safe and secure in the relationship, he got mad and would say "so you don't trust me?! Why are you with me if you don't trust me?!" When I told him I was struggling with depression symptoms (I had struggled with some depression all my life), he got mad at me and said "how can you be depressed when you are with me??! Am I not good enough for you??!" Then, I was silly enough to lose my virginity to this jack@ss, about 6 months into the relationship. It was a very disappointing experience - very short-lived and no pleasure. After this, he treated me even worse, like forcing me to go to a bar to meet his buddies when I already told him that I hate being around alcohol because I had an abusive alcoholic father and I don't drink. From this I also found out that he did not remember any of the things I shared with him about the trauma I experienced with my father - which was so bad to the point that I had to call the police on my own father. I was devastated by this fact that 'wow, I have gave my virginity and my self to someone who doesn't even remember any of the important things I've shared with him, any of the important things about me, who doesn't listen to me or want to know about me..." When I tried to talk with him about all of this, he would just get mad or minimize it, or tell me "I know you, you exaggerate." :( Words can't describe how much all of this hurts. At 8 months of the relationship, I cussed him out and broke up with him, and blocked him on all social media. This breakup happened 9 months ago, but I am struggling with the effects. I don't miss him at all, but I am so upset that I let him touch me - especially letting him touch me without my permission. I'm upset that I got into a relationship with him at all because there were so many red flags and reasons to not trust him in the first place. I could have avoided all this and the subsequent 9 months of suffering post-breakup from trauma-like symptoms. I went to a therapist at my campus (she was actually an intern), but she was very poorly skilled and did not help me, just made me feel worse. How do I come to peace with all that has happened and recover? Help.

Am I at fault for the breakup? Feeling hurt and confused

Relationship Stress / by RestrictedSoul22

October 7th, 2021

...See more So when I was 18, I met this guy who was 24. We were long-distance, so we couldn't be in a relationship (at the time). But he essentially strung me along for 3 years - making false hopes (like saying how he could imagine us being married, imagining us together, how much he loves me, etc.) and then abruptly leaving me, coming and going in my life, depending on me for emotional support (but not giving emotional support back), all whilst being with other women. In the beginning, he was especially overwhelming romantic and loving, to then over time, switching to being mean and cold, and then back to overwhelming romantic and nice when I'm about to leave, on and off like this. He essentially emotionally manipulated me for 2-3 years, and it was extremely hard because I had never had a boyfriend or love before. Fast forward the 3 years to last year summer 2018, I move to another city for grad school, and this city happens to be coincidentally much closer to his city (I did not plan it like that nor did I know); So he gets in contact with me, wanting to try for a relationship now, apologizing for everything that happened before, crying, saying that we'll talk about it all, that he'll explain everything. I was very skeptical, so I just wanted to be friends first and talk about what happened. He told me he did what he did because of the distance and immaturity. I never fully bought that argument, it didn't explain everything - why string me along and give me false hopes because of distance and immaturity? Why not reciprocate support? Why be dismissive and insulting at times? I tried to ask more questions and he would talk about some things but then get frustrated talking about others, or kept saying he'll explain everything to me later or in person. So 6 months later, at the end of 2018, we visit each other and start a relationship. At this point, he was treating me really good and being really apologetic and supportive, so I decided to take a chance. He seemed sincere at the moment and I thought we would continue talking about things and improving. But I still had my doubts. I kept questioning, and not all of the things from the past were talked about or settled for me. I tried to bring up concerns with him and he would get frustrated "Why are you talking about this? Why don't you trust me?" Sometimes I would get frustrated too and raise my tone. Most times when I would try to talk about something from the past, because I just wanted to make peace with it, clarify what happen, and develop trust, he would get mad at me, continuously saying "We already talked about that!" (Even though in my mind, it never seemed like we talked about the topics I was bringing up, or at least didn't talk about them in their entirety. Things did not feel resolved). "We already talked about that! Why can't you move on? Why can't you get over the past? Am I not being good towards you now?" Yes, he was being extremely good to me in all other ways except for this issue of not being open to talking about the past. I would often start off the conversation by saying "I still feel really hurt about ___________ (insert past event), and I just really want to talk about it with you. It just still bothers me a lot/makes me worry." and he would get mad at that. Then sometimes I would start it off in a raised tone "I can't believe you did _________(insert) to me! It still hurts so much, I've been getting nervous stomach all day from memories of it! I'm having trouble concentrating on my schoolwork today from it today!" and he would still be like "We already talked about it! Get over it! I don't want to live in the past", but then other times would be apologetic, talking a little, but not really much, changing the subject prematurely often. A few months ago, it got so bad when I asked "I was just so bothered today from some memories from back in summer 2016. I was struggling today with the question of 'was I valuable to you back then?' Did you see me as a person of value back then? Was there something I did that led to your behavior towards me? I sometimes feel bad/worried that I'm in a relationship with someone who abused me before." and he got mad at that "*groans* Get over the past! We already talked about it! I can't believe you can't move on already! I feel like you appreciate nothing I've done now, none of it is good enough for you!" and then that led to a super-long 7 day argument, in which I got super depressed, anxious, and crying at the end and I said something like "I want to d*ie" in tears - to which he responded with "You're not a little girl anymore. I thought you were more mature than this. I thought you were stronger than this. You have nothing to be depressed about, your life is enviable. I'm disappointed in you." in a patronizing tone with a cold look on his face over video-cam :/ When I told him that that really hurt me, he said "How else am I supposed to react when someone says they're s*icidal because of me! I was so exhausted, what else do you expect! I'm not a therapist! Sorry!" :( I was so hurt and confused by that response - because 1) I never said I was s*icidal because of him - I wasn't s*icidal in general, I just have told him before that I struggle with depression symptoms and sometimes s*icidal thoughts that make me anxious and that I would not act on. And so now I felt like he was using that against me that I confided to him about. 2) He was blaming me for the whole thing. I did not know what to say in that moment and was feeling bad, guilt, confusion, so I just said "Sorry, I know that was very stressful and you didn't know what to do." :( Then he took me to a bar to meet up with his buddies even though 1) I didn't want to go and made that known, and 2) I grew up with an abusive alcoholic father and feel nervous/bad around alcohol. When I was sad in the place, saying "I don't want to be here" and "I don't know why people drink!"; he said we would just be there for a short time until his buddies came and then go to another place, and then kept telling me to calm down and be more "tolerant" patronizingly again. He kept telling me to be more tolerant several times, and I was very upset by that, I told him "you know my father was an alcoholic and I was very traumatized by that, like the night when he physically attacked my mom and pulled a knife on us while drunk" and he's like "I don't remember you telling me that" (but I told him several times before! that's a fact!) and then he's like "I have traumas too, you know. Just because I almost drowned when I was four doesn't mean I avoid rivers now." How the h.ll is that comparable to this situation and living 20 years with an explosive alcoholic father? Then later that night when I tried to talk to him about it and to apologize for how I was raising my tone and getting angry too, he said "It's okay, I know you, you over-react." :/ and he had also said "it's okay, just sometimes your anxiety affects your judgment." So then I was starting to gradually more and more lose my fuse, to gradually more and more response in frustrated, angry tones and asking more about things that were bothering me that he did and said - which was so futile because he would just keep evading or treating me like I'm crazy, saying "there's nothing to talk about", "we already talked about it", "I don't want to say this, but maybe you should see a therapist", "I've been so good to you, I haven't been doing anything wrong to you now.", "I don't deserve this!" So then one night I asked him if he can be more kind and compassionate when I try to talk about stuff, just more empathetic, and he's like "I am empathetic towards you." and I'm like "yeah, but you're always getting frustrated and irritated with me when I try to resolve stuff from the past and any concerns." and he's like "okay, I'll be more kind." And then the next day when I messaged that I've been having nervous stomach all morning worrying about our relationship, that I feel so sad and stressed about it! (at that point I had had nervous stomach and low appetite for several days and it was affecting my ability to concentrate and do my schoolwork) we tried to talk about and he was just "sorry to hear that,but what are you getting so stressed out for! We have a good relationship!" and I tried to explain that I'm stressed about these things that happened and that we're not able to have good conversations to resolve the past, and he's all like "I don't want to keep talking about the past for the rest of my life! Those conversations are boring to me!" and so I was like "Well, maybe I don't want to be in a relationship with you for the rest of my life!" and then we got on the phone and he was saying "sorry for everything." and just saying sorry and nothing else, and when I would try to discuss things, he would just say "sorry" and was really quiet and not saying anything. I almost felt like I was receiving the silent treatment and I started to get really nervous asking "why aren't you talking?! you're making me nervous!" And he's like "anything I say will just make it worse. I'm just trying to make you calm down by me being calm. I'm trying to be kind, /polite./" and for some reason when he said that, I just felt so angry and nervous, I felt he was being insincere and treating me like I'm crazy, like it was a manipulative ploy! Maybe I was wrong, but that's how I interpreted it and felt it. And I just went off crying and saying "you're fake! i don't trust you! i hate you! you're selfish! you're a liar!" I had never gone off so angrily like that before in my life! After I said that, there was a dead silence and he said "Well, I feel offended. I'm going to need a break. Call you back in a few hours." Then he called me back after a few hours, said that he forgived me, I apologized saying I don't know what got into me and that I should not have reacted like that and that the words I said were not okay and they were untrue. He said he accepts my apology, and then he said "I need you", and then he changed the subject to something sexual, which he was starting to do frequently as our arguments progressed. It honestly felt like talking to a wall, and I never knew if it was because I was being too rude, mean, frustrated, or raising my tone, but even when I would ask things calmly, it would get no where. So I didn't know what to do anymore. So then the "be tolerant" thing was bothering me, and I had been 7 days barely eating nervous stomach all the time, and then I started typing to him angrily how angry I was about the "be tolerant" thing and how I was sick of his bllsh*t! He answered and I was very angrily yelling at him over video. Anyone who was observing would think this girl is crazy. He said "I'm still right, you should be more tolerant." To which I started to explode more and started insulting him words like "coward!" and I'm like "you don't even care about the trauma I've been through, the pain I've been through, the pain that I get from nervous stomach!" and in a very slippery, condescending voice he said "It seems like pain is a recreational thing for you." When he said that, I completely lost my sh*t - I went off completely saying "how can you say that to me, motherfcker!! fck you!! you deserve everything bad that happens to you! Selfish motherfcker! etc etc" and I hung up the phone and started unfriending him on facebook, changing my relationship status; he started messaging me apologies, calling me 20 times - I would not answer the phone, leaving voicemails "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I'll regret that I said that for the rest of my life, please give me another chance. is it really over?" I wrote "yes, it's over. bye" and I broke up with him. Instantly, I felt a feeling of relief, mixed with great sadness. I was in love with him, but couldn't take it anymore. The next morning I received emails and phone calls from him, saying he'll always love me, asking me if there's any other chance, wishing me well. I said no, there's no other chance. and I said I'm not ready for a relationship, that I have too many other concerns, like my health and schoolwork. And just said that the good memories will always be in my heart and that I hope he takes care of himself too.

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