I will never be whole TW
Trigger warning
He destroyed me. I was such a good kid. So well behaved. Until I wasn't. I've done bad things in my life but none so bad as to deserve being sexually assaulted for most of my life. If I weren't dependent on home care givers for basic needs, I might have bodily autonomy but I don't. Never have had bodily autonomy and I'm going to lose my mind. I don't want to be touched ever again by anyone!! I don't have that luxury. I hate my body! I wish my friends came by still. I so badly miss my friends. I don't need advice. I just need a shoulder to cry on. I don't blame them though. I don't blame anyone but myself. Hell. My best friend doesn't know my dad did this stuff. My husband knows very little. I wish I had told him before I got triggered cuz I'm shutting down and men are the first ones shut out! I wish my legs worked right. I long for my independence. I long for human interaction that isn't focused on medical care. I long for a body that wasn't defiled and degraded for so long. I hate this body!
@MissyAmerica
It sounds like you have been through a lot. Are you in a safe space now?
It also seems like you are having trouble feeling comfortable in your body due to your experiances. What would being comfortable with your body look like to you?
@UntilThen hi. Yes I am! I am safe now. That's a good question. I'm going to ponder that because I'm not sure. I wish I could get rid of body memories but I struggle with grounding.
@MissyAmerica
What kinds of grounding techniques do you usually use? When do you use them?
I hate to be persistent this, but there could possibly be local services available that few in your area may be aware of. I attended a local NAMI (National Alliance of Mental Illness) meeting and weren't aware of the local sexual assault center that I was going to less than 5 miles away. Sometimes the local police department know more about it because of rape referrals than anyone else in the community. You could have a friend call the local police or perhaps the local city manager's off or county government. Also, if you have transportation issues, sometimes the centers can help pay for gas. Ours does. In any event, You are never alone as long as other survivors like us with you. I highly recommend two books (you may have already heard of): The Body Bears the Burden (which is a fairly tough technical neurological read at times) and The Body Keeps the Score. I am fortunate to have a very experienced trauma counselor who is going to start EMDR on me soon. And its free counseling through the sexual assault center. I would be surprised if your state had nothing at all, given that I live in one of the poorest states in the union. I know you are hurting. I wish you peace.
