I feel guilty
This happened back in high school, several years ago. A male classmate was talking to his friend about how he had raped a girl over the weekend. He didn't call it rape, but he said she was crying and saying to stop and he didn't.
I was sitting behind him and was horrified and shocked at what I was hearing. He turned and looked at me at some point, looking like he was amused at my reaction.
The next day he walked up to my desk and pressed his parts against my arm. I told him to stop but he didn't, so I turned my back to him. He kept standing there for what felt like forever. I was trapped in my seat. His friend was laughing.
It's been years but a recent conversation brought this memory back. Mostly I'm just angry at myself now for not standing up to him when he was talking about the other girl. I should have called him out on his actions... Punched him in the face for being a scumbag... Something. But I did nothing. And maybe if I had, then he wouldn't have bothered me later, either.
It can be hard to remember back on things we think we should of done
you need to give yourself a break you were a child and a victim of his as well as this other girl - its great you can look back and see what you would do differently and know that you have the power to do it now if you ever needed to
Hello IvoryLand5217
Please don't continue feeling guilty. You were young, so give yourself a break, we all make mistakes. You are so much more than the sum of one action (or inaction). You have learnt from this situation and you know that you react in a very different way now.
Hello ivoryLand5127,
If I understood well, you feel guilty because you let that boy do what he did to you instead of fighting back and maybe report him. You seem to think that your lack of reaction was like an invitation to do more later. Have I understood well?
What you told us in your thread made me think about something like a "freezing" reaction. The extremely deep confusion that you may have felt when the boy did that would have literally frozen your brain, like you could not have any clear thought anymore and that would just freeze your body and behavior, do you think that could be what happened? If so, as far as I know it could be a body reaction that happens to many people who go through traumatizing events like a sexual assault. Therefore it is a reflex reaction that you could not avoid at all, it is really like a defense mecanism against extreme stress. The shame and guilty feelings would only come later when you think back at it, but the truth is that as a human being you could do nothing against how your brain was programmed to react to such events as these ones.
If you think that might be something you went through and if it bothers you a lot still now, what would you think about seeing a therapist who specializes in psychotraumas? Maybe they could help you a lot.
All these are of course only personal ideas, anyway I wish you the so very best on your healing path,
Gilles
Thanks for the responses everyone.
@gilles
That makes a lot of sense, actually. It really did feel like I was frozen. I couldn't think, let alone speak or move. It's frustrating to look back on, but understandable I guess. I've had other sexual assault experiences, but I guess this is the only one where I feel like I SHOULD have been able to prevent it, if not, stop it. What he did wasn't really THAT bad, you know?
But I guess that's not how things go. And maybe past experiences let me to react in that "frozen" kinda way.
@Ivoryland5127 Wow, I am so sorry this happened to you. I can understand how you would feel upset that you couldn't do anything at that time. It is good that you have realized what happened, that is always the first step to recovery. If you'd like, I can send some resources your way in a PM that may help you out, just let me know :)