How do you get rid of it?
Hey guys, If you are reading this than I am really sorry if I am boring you or anything but I was wondering if anyone could help? When I was six years old I was raped by a family friend at the time who was 13. He would bring me into his room when we were visiting and tell me we could play a game. He would tell me to give a real kiss then a fake kiss. This than escalated to him taking my jeans off and getting me in bed with his hand over my mouth to shut me up.
My mum found out about this and stopped all connection with them. She never told officials.
When i was then nine I was molested by another family friend who was fifteen at the time. This happened every time we went over to their house and continued on for about a year. Our parents had had a big fight and stopped seeing each other, breaking his contact with me.
I never told my parents about this as after it all, I felt as if it was my fault. I did nothing wrong but I still felt such horrible guilt and I know I always will. My parents broke down crying, telling me they failed as parents and should of done better and honestly, they should have.
A few months ago I went over to a friends house (Male) who I had known had feelings for me. We were on his bed watching a movie and he became very touchy and playful. I formed a panic attack terrifiedhe may of tried anything further and ran out of his house. I didnt return until a few hours later at my house which is only like six houses up the street.
I have concluded that I really shouldn't be in a relationship as I freak every time someone comes to close or touches me. I would like to be but I cant do that to anyone and make them feel my burden and have to 'be careful' around me
And yes, I have tried talking to people, and even medication but it doesn't help. Does any one know of any ways to at least try and deal with this. Or if you have had a similar experience please share :)
@IvyBXx. I am very sorry about all of the trauma that you have been through. I know you say you have horrible guilt and it will never pass. With proper therapy and a community here telling you that it was not your fault can work wonders. Furthermore, and this is unfortunate, a much to high of a percentage of young women in our society have been raped and in most cases it is by someone they know. It is very sad because it really should not be that way.
Now to your inquiry. First, pursue therapy and help. There is support both here in self help guides, forums, and chat rooms as well as many other web sites. You are worthy of feeling normal and being able to have a healthy attitude about yourself and the man you choose to love.
Now about the physical intimacy issues. What is acceptable in most relationships is that the male takes the lead. While I cannot answer for the future, it is not something that you should have to deal with now. Let me restate this so you hear. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING WITH ANYONE THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!
So now we have to work with appropriate, which is where the male and female attempt to be aggressers in the same environment. That too can be triggering. Again, and I will state this. YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO DO ANYTHING WITH ANYONE THAT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE!
So what to do?
Well, it has been suggested by many that in your case, the woman initiates all contact. ALL CONTACT. If you snuggle for a year, that's fine. If you never pursue any more than a hug and kiss on the couch, that is completely okay. Really, it is.
But let's say you are ready to take the next step. Then what?
You approach the male. You pursue any sort of undress. And, in the case of intimacy, you ensure you are in control of all actions by being on top. This ensures all physical contact is initiated by you and you only. The threat of control and unwanted advance and a Post Traumatic Stress Episode is reduced greatly because the male is now the one that is sumbitting to you, not the other way around. If you research online or any valid source of info you will find this is quite common in women with your past.
Now what guy would ever do this for you? One that loves you deeply and understands what you have been through. One that is willing to be gentle with your spirit and heart. Really, why would you want to be with anyone that isn't all those things.
Love to you. You are not broken, you are not mad, you did not cause any of this. And lest you doubt your strength,, you are here, right now, in the moment. You have found the strength to post. That is beautiful and brave. Take care.
Such an informative response worded in a delicate way. Well done pickles
PS: I forgot something. Do not be ashamed of your current situation. I can tell you with a considerable amount of confidence that if you get close enough to a guy to tell him your story, if he is any sort of man at all, he will understand. The first step is to accept yourself and love yourself. This may take therapy or a lot of discussions with a good listener. Whichever you choose. I wish you the best. Take care.
I just want to say Thank you. You have no idea how that made me feel so thank you. I really needed that push and I may go find some support. Again Thank you so much :)
@IvyBXx, I try to focus on you getting the listener of your choice, but please know I would be happy to be your listener.
I'm so so sorry you've had to go through all that. You're such a strong person and I really admire people like you: who go on no matter what. My experience is nothing compared to yours but I might as well share it. This is actually the first time I do that so it's really hard even though I guess it's not even that bad generally, but it took me to hell.
So it happened about a year and a half ago. Me and my roommates had a party for our schoolmates since our school's quite small so we're all always together partying or just well, doing whatever. There's quite a lot of drug users in our school, mostly cannabis but still. This one junkie (saying junkie because that what he is) had been hanging with the potheads all year so he came to our parties and so on. He was in that party. I was going through a really tough time with my depression, I was suicidal back then and when I was drunk enough and left alone with the junkie since everyone else went somewhere I opened up to him because I couldn't take all the pain inside of me.
I knew that the junkie had history of raping vulnerable girls but I was too drunk to give a d*mn about it, so I opened up. It went to the point where I had to go outside since people were coming back in and I sat outside crying against my suicidal best friends shoulder and the junkie was there trying to soothe us and make us feel better. We were there for a few hours and during that time I had filled myself with so much alcohol that I couldn't even stand up anymore. Everyone had left our place and my best friend also went to bed. The junkie walked me inside and put me in bed and then he got in next to me. He started kissing me and as I was so drunk I couldn't do anything about it. I was also too scared to because he has been to jail for an assault. He was on drugs too and carried a knife around. He started touching me and tried to take my clothes off but I somehow managed to stop him from that, but not from the touching. I gladly passed out before anything else could happen, or at least I don't know about it if anything more happened.
It was absolutely horrible. The next morning when I started to remember pieces of the night I got the worst anxiety I've ever had. I can't really remember anything other than that.
He still hangs out with some people from my school. I can't even walk past him without an anxiety attack. I can't let any guys close to me because I'm afraid of what will happen. I'm having trust issues partly because of that. I just can't be around boys without being anxious and reserved. I know I should probably get professional help but I'm not ready. Right now I'm just giving it time.
Sorry if it doesn't make sense, I didn't want to proofread.
@invisiblemadness, you must admire yourself as well because you are moving forward.
To the both of you, life's journey is just that, life. We don't get over such horrible violations of trust and control without a lot of time and a lot of love. I just want you both to know that I understand, I care, and I am positive this community stands ready to help lend an ear and a heart. I am so very sorry for the trauma that you have been subjected to. I wish I had pixie dust to make it go away but I do not.
But I have care and compassion. I want you to know that. Please find a listener and just talk it out. And back to you @invisiblemadness, none of this is your fault. No one deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted.
Take care.
I am so sorry for your horrible experience. Just as what has been said, it is not your fault and you have every right to be reserved and anxious around men. Thank you so much for posting as it has hopefully helped the both of us. I hope you find a great future and learn to accept your past just as I am with mine :)
Thank you, and no problem. I guess it was time for me to finally open my mouth about it - and I'm glad I did.
I actually read both your stories and find you both incredible strong individuals for coming here and sharing your experiences, I'm am just so sorry both of you have been violated in such a horrendous way, this kind of assault is all about control by the perpetrators and not anything you have done, you are not to blame, and this can be extremely damaging and painful to your confidence. There is a way out for both of you, I'm not saying it's gonna be easy, but the recovery process can make you a much stronger person, and in time, you can learn to deal with flashbacks and triggers is a more proactive way. I am here to listen, and help try to find your way back to happiness. Take good care both of you xxx