How do I move on?
I am a 29 year old woman.I recently came to terms with the fact that my father sexually abused me when I was 8 to 10 years old. I recently told the rest of my family in order to protect my nieces. Most of my family has been very supportive. My mom, However, says she believes me but is acting like it was not a big deal. According to her, my dad has admitted that he abused me, but doesn't remember doing some things to me. I expected him to deny or manipulate his way out of what he did, but I was not expecting my mom to act like this is something you just get over. I'd there anyone in here who might be able to help me figure out my mom's reaction?
I think it's sadly very common for the spouse of the abuser to take their side. It's very painful for someone in your shoes. You're looking for support and understanding and not getting it from the person who is closest to the situation. Odd as it sounds, this may not be an indication that your mom loves you any less, only that she's using denial and self-delusion as coping strategies, probably to stave off the guilt she feels from not having protected you. I'm not saying that's the case, but a possibility. I'm sending you my good thoughts and my wish that you get all the love, support and validation you need. :)
Thanks for your response. I don't want to lose my mom too, but I can't deal with her when she is in denial. Right now, I'm not speaking with her. Is there anything I can do to get to a point where I can still have a relationship with her? Or do I have to just wait and see if she ever gets beyond it on her own?
Don't feel ashamed or hesitant to protect yourself any way you need to. You can step away and have no contact with her if seeing her hurts too much right now. In relationships, nothing lasts forever. You can revisit your relationship with her whenever you want to, whenever it feels right. The important thing is figuring out what you need to do to survive the trauma, and depending on the level of hurt you feel and the level of damage done, it may mean making radical changes to existing relationships. That wouldn't surprise me at all. Just remember, this is your life, and your healing is worth more than anything else. Be well.
@amiableCoconut9802 You are courageous, in my opinion, to share this with your family, and this community.
Honestly, I cannot help you to figure out your Mom's reaction.
Would you feel comfortable and safe sharing your feelings about this with her, and talking with her about it? What do you think is the best choice for you, and would give you the best chance at feeling happier, in your view?
Would mum would go to some sort of therapy or counselling with you.? It sounds as if she needs help coming to terms with what happened. For myself, I cannot understand how she could bear to not support you, but I'm not here to judge. Just maybe if the pair of you could speak about it - I guess it must be pretty traumatic for her to realise her husband is capable of this awful thing. I wish you all the very best love. X
Hi there,
Thank you for sharing, im so sorry you had to go through something so terrible. Alot of family members/the other parent/parents do have a hard time suddenly realising that they didn't 'protect' their child, that's often why they have such bizzare reactions. They feel like maybe they failed or just find it hard to believe something like that could happen while they were there.
Maybe go to your GP, invite your Mum along. Talk honestly and open to your GP and then say "i don't think my Mum knows how to handle this". This might get her to talk and the GP might be able to tell what she is going through herself.
I went through a very similar situation as yours. And it doesn't hit you til later in the years. That's what happened to me. And for your mom she probably doesn't want you to know how she really feels inside but I do know that you should tell her everything. And make sure she really understands and listens to what you have to say
Thanks for all of your responses. They are very helpful. I have tried talking to her and telling her exactly how I feel. We talked with her psychologist together where I told her and her psychologist how I feel. My brother and two if my aunts have talked to her to try to point out that she is not thinking rationally. None of it seems to be clicking. I constantly worry about my interactions with her so I finally told her I need a break from talking to her. I'm just so frustrated. I want to disappear so no one else has to deal with this. Sorry for throwing this on whoever reads this.