He left me with unwanted gifts and I hate it
When i was a child 5 or 6 years old, i know that i've been raped by a relative who has a close relationship with my family, I always remember him playing with me and my sister whenver we come to their house,and i can also remeber telling me that I am a good girl if I listen to him, so i let him, when I was growing up, i always have a flashback of what has happened but i always thought of it as nothing and think of it as a dream and i didn't tell my parents about it. But when I was in high school, I have discovered something is very wrong with me, I have friends, I am very well-liked by my classmates and other people, sometimes, there are also people who would greet me but i don't know them personally, I love my family, i have a close relationship with my older sister, and even though me and my older sister don't have a close relationship with our youngest sister, because of the age gap, we still love her. I have begin seeing what is my problem when i was in my third year of high school, I can say that it's the most memorable year of my High school life,because i have met the friends that i know will be with me even though we will be going on our separate ways later, I have discovered that even though i love them fully, I can't trust them, they all told me things that nobody knows, yet i can't say any secret to them, My sister tells me anything that even our parents don't know about her, and yet i can't do the same. When one of my close friends has visited me last month, we have gone back to some of the issues in our little group has gone by, and when I told him that I didn't know about a particular issue, he told that's because you always seem to care only about myself, and now going back, because of what has happened to me, it seems that I've become a person who cant trust someone and a person who has become emotionally detached even though i love that person, When my grandma died, I didn't shed any tears nor i felt sad and lonely when she was being buried, and i love her fully because she took care of us and love us, i feel so abnormal thinking about it now, all the people around me were crying and yet i was standing there calm and collected, I hate myself because of this.
edited by Rain45 Moved to the trauma forums due to forum restructuring
@Klaren28 I think there is absoulity no need to hate yourself because of that. I don't know why some people, including me, are like that or what's the reasons behind it. But of what I am sure is that there is no need to hate that part about yourself. I am somehow the same as you, even tho I haven't been through stuff like you, which I am sorry to hear, but I can atlest say that I understand you. It bothered me before too, why I just can't feel some emotions the same as other people do or react the way people expect me to react, but then it just hit me - there is no need to feel a certian emotion in a situation just cause most people feel like that, there is no need to react in a certian way just beacue it's "something normal". This is who we are, different and unusual, but it's us, our personality, our way of seeing the world and people around us, and I think it's actually wonderful and in the end I came to love that part about myself, or rather acknowledged it. Sure, sometimes it's hard and it's feels like you really are "abnormal", but when I look at the situation in a different way, think in a different way and feel about it in a different way, everything changes. All the questions in my head, "Why was I like that? Why didn't I cry? Why didn't I feel? Why didn't I trust them? Why was I different?", all of them get an answer, a reason behind it, a thought.
