Constant triggers are making me feel numb
I have experienced sexual assault before when I was on a train at 14 and someone groped me as I was leaving, and I didn’t see who it was. Again on a train I was pressed forcefully against a old fat man and instead of moving out the way he stood there while I couldn’t go anywhere. I’ve also experienced a considerable amount of secondary trauma, my best friend was raped by one of my friends and ex crushes. The media has taken over my mind with sexual assault stories and violence. Im asexual, my friend a year ago confessed his love for me and It triggered all of this trauma to just rise from the depths. I was horrified by the idea that he thinks of me in a sexual way, and he’s even commented on my boobs before. He’s not really done much wrong, but I hate him and I feel bad for hating him it’s just that he triggers me so much and he’s in my class. Im moving away this summer and I will never see him again but im afraid this will continue and I will continue to get triggered by all men.
i get triggered even more and to a greater frequency when im stressed and im going through finals right now. I just feel numb, I hate that im so afraid of being raped, I hate that the world is like this. Im so afraid of men, I feel so scared that maybe I can never fall in love again. Maybe I will never feel attraction again. I feel like I have been broken by the people around me and I don’t know how to put the pieces back together again.
I don’t know what to do.
@chamomileteabag
I want to start out by saying you're not alone. I am so sorry to hear about all the trauma you have been through. The world can be a very scary place to live in, but I promise you there are going to be people who you can trust and feel safe with. You have every right to feel you can't trust men in general, and feel all the negative emotions. But do me one thing, to remember who you truly are. Remember you are your own hero. You can save yourself. You can get back up, no matter what pushes you down. You can and you will. I believe in you. You are not alone.
I have felt that way about men too. It is unfair to be a woman in this world and we are marginalised. And we can't help being a woman, it wasn't our choice. It's not my choice to have boobs, and I don't like it when people look at it. It's so stupid that men can go out running with their shirts off, but if I wear a dress (which even goes down past my knees), I get catcalled / sexualised.
There have been discussions about female characters being sexualised in media, and people are waking up.
I think you're brave and strong, and I really do hope your pain eases soon. Please keep holding on. You're not alone.
Our choices make us who we are, and no matter how you feel, remember you have left a good mark on the world and no one can take that from you.
By the way, I am extremely sorry for the inappropriate comment your friend made.
If I were you, I'd definitely be horrified by the whole thing.
Don't blame yourself and don't feel bad. Just because someone likes you, you don't have to do anything. Being a decent human being doesn't mean managing other people's emotions. You have no obligation to him romantically or sexually and you don't need to feel bad.
Thank you so much for all the kind words. I honestly wasn’t even expecting a response but this made my day. I really appreciate someone reaching out to tell me I’m not alone because it definitely feels like that sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m just that crazy over emotional women trope, but I’m starting to see that what I feel is justified and I’m not alone.
No you are not alone! I have had men make comments on my big boobs many times and let me tell you it can be objectifiifying. Sometimes I feel like a piece of meat, and it can be distracting and awkward to deal with. I have had a guy grope my boobs before,so I know the feeling it can bring onto you. I think staying positive regardless of the way guys look or treat you by speaking about those experiences helps to cope with it.