Can't Breathe

Pathetic excuses for long-term abuse is something I could never justify with God or anyone for that matter.

I always keep the abuse and the pain I deal with inward so no one can see. No one likes to know you're struggling and you don't like letting others know. But isn't that also a problem in itself? Even after coming to terms with the fact that I am being abused, I still find it hard to breathe. How dare you guilt me into thinking this was my fault. Or I think it's being guilt-tripped. I know I will never follow in your footsteps. I will never become a monster like you. I take the hate and the pain and I turn them into care and compassion towards others. Because now, I too, understand that no one deserves to be hurt.

This is my confrontation with you, though you will never see this, because I am a coward and you still wouldn't be self-aware enough to take responsibility for the hell you are putting me through! It would still be my fault, and I will still allow you to let me believe that. I shouldn't screw up, I should have done this without being told, I should have done what you said right away. Or you're just not high enough and you take your withdrawals out on my body! My innocence!

I have so many emotions right now. I am tormented to my strength's edge over and over and over again. I'm so angry, I am scared, I hurt, I am filled with angst, I am sexually confused, I hate. You expect me to feel sorry for you as if you ever did for me? I've been much better, but at least I am healing. I am finding ways to cope whether they be negative or positive. I am seeking what is best for me and what helps me get through this horror.

I hate myself so much and I am tired of hurting. I'm so sorry to those I've hurt while I am hurting.