Can allies ever really understand?

@Grits1910

Hello,

As someone on the other side, I appreciate this.

It helps us learn and be more informed on how to be there for you.

You are completely right in everything you said.

We need to not react in a judgmental or simplistic manner.

Although it may not be intentional, we tend to find simple solutions to things.

Which is careless because of course you’ve already tried the simple solutions.

We fail to see this.

As allies, we should be more mindful of how we try to help.

Thanks for the interesting and informative perspective! 💛✨

@innateJoy9602

Thank you so much... Hearing from someone 'on the other side' is a powerful reassurance that I'm not being totally self absorbed, demanding more than I'm entitled to, being selfish and introspective.

I get why those closest to me try to find 'solutions' and I'm aware that I need to avoid reacting without properly hearing them out. But for me, this 'solution-focused' approach can often feel demeaning, makes me question whether I'm being overly dramatic, whether my own reaction is, in itself, disproportionate. I keep on saying, out loud, that there is no 'solution' in and of itself, that what I experience, how I feel, the impact of my abuse is something that you can only adapt to, that it won't just go away, and that it's never as simple as a change of diet and suddenly the sun will come out.

It's like living on a knife edge, constantly aware of the need to keep myself from being totally overwhelmed by the way I feel, but equally trying to live the life that is mine to live.

🤗

Grits

@Grits1910

Definitely not self-absorbed or selfish!

You are effectively communicating your concerns and educating others on how we can be more helpful.

That's great and lovely communication skills.💛✨

@NoneTheWiser

Hi Jess,,

Your post really hit home - you have a way of explaining this issue that resonates with me. Thank you so much - it calms me down just hearing that I'm not alone in this.

Finding solutions - have I discussed this in detail? No - one of my biggest issues in communicating is being heard. Having my supporter just listen without commenting, without me feeling like she's judging me, judging my response... The silent listening you refer to is something I rarely encounter. It's partly personality - it's not her normal way of interacting with me as more often than not, I'm the silent/quiet one, so she often feels the need to lead conversation, and is not used to allowing me the time to formulate what I need to say.

Fixing is ingrained as an automatic communication response... Totally! A very wise observation.

And as for trying to indicate that there is a different way to respond (or not to respond) that is hugely challenging as in the past this has often come across as a critical attack, as a complaint, rather than as the inner cry for help that it is.

Part of me needs to hear that she does want to help, that her understandable hunt for solutions is not based on a presumption that at some point I'll be 'fixed'. I need to know that her frustration in my apparent ingratitude in response to her attempt to find solutions doesn't end up with us both boxing away the conversation, leaving the elephant in the room with neither of us able to talk about it openly.

The crux of the issue is that I'm almost incapable of openly describing what I experience, as I'm totally absorbed with the need to be strong, to avoid portraying myself as the victim. Part of what drives this is all too often hearing the phrase 'what's wrong now?' - for me a huge trigger, a phrase I find both hurtful and upsetting, and typically a phrase that leads me to shut down.

I'm not OK with not being OK. I can't accept that I need help on a more regular basis than the average human. My issue is more about self recrimination than her response, and I know I need to see past this and find a way to communicate my need for a silent ear. The phrase that springs to mind is to 'keep the conversation going' - not that I have the slightest desire to speak about it regularly... The time is right when I feel it's right, but when it is, I need to be listened to, and just feel like I can ask for a touch on the arm, a hug, a listening ear when I need it... That would make all the difference. It's exactly what you describe as their 'passive actions' and how powerful these can be.

I think you've nailed it - naturally there is anxiety in being unable to find a solution, which undoubtedly makes it a huge challenge to sit there in silence, being a supportive listener, appreciating just what difference that makes.

I don't have the words to describe just how much your understanding means to me. Thank you... For the time, for the patience and for the wisdom you share.

🤗

Grits

@Grits1910

Your a strong survivor make no mistake about it. And asking for help is the strongest action you can take, know that. You are incredible strong for taking action against the ppl who wronged you. I am so impressed by your strength and your championing the ones like ne who aren't strong enough to take what your pursuing on!

Re read that daily my friend

ABB 💜

@Grits1910

I'm sorry for your pain, I can feel it. I recognize it .

I told my allies I don't need them to fix it . I need them to just be the silent strong comfort . I did ask for my allies to pick up some things I couldn't do anymore, including at the job. I really really felt completely unglued so to speak. I felt like I was literally coming apart at the seams. I had to delegate some responsibility to others. It was really difficult for allies to understand what I was going through. It was a tidal wave we had to just ride out best we could. Some things didn't go as planned ( I had to leave my job) but I found a new normal if you can call it that.

I felt like I couldn't stand being in my own body/ head but I couldn't leave. Such a conundrum. Time does help but it's taken a few years for me to get to a point where I can be ok some of the time. I also think it's difficult for allies to help you if they don't have the education piece of what trauma does to a person. It's not just emotional it's physical pain. Try " The body keeps the score" read it together if possible. It might help. It's a good book. I also found " The voice of knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz helpful for me personally.

Not sure if my post will help but I'm here for you Grits, I pray for your healing. Best always

ABB