Can allies ever really understand?
By allies, I'm referring to those who are near to us, support and love us.
When I have flashbacks at night, I can't normally stay in bed and get up, go downstairs and try to ground myself, calm myself down, distract myself when possible with TV, reading something... Whatever works or seems like it might help.
Unsurprisingly, when I don't sleep well, particularly when I have bad dreams I'm a wreck the next day, really tired, unable to function fully.
When I attempt to explain why I didn't sleep the night through, and how important it is for me to move, to 'reset the clock', anything to reduce the stress of the whole situation, I keep encountering a simplistic response from those closest to be. When I explain that a trigger can be the weight of the duvet on my body, the response is that I should throw the duvet off me. When I explain that I can't sleep, need to distract myself, to calm down, I'm told that I should turn the light on and read my book, despite me stating that staying in bed is not at all helpful and that I need space and a different environment.
I've tried time and again to explain what I experience when I have nightmares, what the impact is, how the route back to some sense of calm is not always predictable, and rarely easy to control. I know part of the response I get is grounded in their frustration, but I can't seem to convey what I need from my allies, how I need them to give me the space to handle things in the way that I find easiest.
Part of me wants my allies to hear from someone else, to read up on it, to show a true interest in understanding what I'm going through, rather than reacting in what feels like a judgemental, simplistic and somewhat unsupportive manner. I'm short tempered, irritable and introverted in the aftermath of my nightmares. I need to find the means to communicate more clearly what I need, to care less about the subsequent response, and to focus more closely on doing the right thing for me, without putting others first.
How do you communicate, explain, enunciate what nightmares look like through the eyes of a survivor? How do you describe the impact of the terrors, the palpitations, the nausea, sickness, mortal fear? And how do you explain that all of this is experienced through the eyes of a child, not the adult who occupies this body in the present day? How do you make your allies understand?
🤗
Grits
@Grits1910
Hello,
As someone on the other side, I appreciate this.
It helps us learn and be more informed on how to be there for you.
You are completely right in everything you said.
We need to not react in a judgmental or simplistic manner.
Although it may not be intentional, we tend to find simple solutions to things.
Which is careless because of course you’ve already tried the simple solutions.
We fail to see this.
As allies, we should be more mindful of how we try to help.
Thanks for the interesting and informative
perspective! 💛✨
@innateJoy9602
Thank you so much... Hearing from someone 'on the other side' is a powerful reassurance that I'm not being totally self absorbed, demanding more than I'm entitled to, being selfish and introspective.
I get why those closest to me try to find 'solutions' and I'm aware that I need to avoid reacting without properly hearing them out. But for me, this 'solution-focused' approach can often feel demeaning, makes me question whether I'm being overly dramatic, whether my own reaction is, in itself, disproportionate. I keep on saying, out loud, that there is no 'solution' in and of itself, that what I experience, how I feel, the impact of my abuse is something that you can only adapt to, that it won't just go away, and that it's never as simple as a change of diet and suddenly the sun will come out.
It's like living on a knife edge, constantly aware of the need to keep myself from being totally overwhelmed by the way I feel, but equally trying to live the life that is mine to live.
🤗
Grits
@Grits1910
Definitely not self-absorbed or selfish!
You are effectively communicating your concerns and educating others on how we can be more helpful.
That's great and lovely communication skills.💛✨
@Grits1910
I'm sorry for your pain, I can feel it. I recognize it .
I told my allies I don't need them to fix it . I need them to just be the silent strong comfort . I did ask for my allies to pick up some things I couldn't do anymore, including at the job. I really really felt completely unglued so to speak. I felt like I was literally coming apart at the seams. I had to delegate some responsibility to others. It was really difficult for allies to understand what I was going through. It was a tidal wave we had to just ride out best we could. Some things didn't go as planned ( I had to leave my job) but I found a new normal if you can call it that.
I felt like I couldn't stand being in my own body/ head but I couldn't leave. Such a conundrum. Time does help but it's taken a few years for me to get to a point where I can be ok some of the time. I also think it's difficult for allies to help you if they don't have the education piece of what trauma does to a person. It's not just emotional it's physical pain. Try " The body keeps the score" read it together if possible. It might help. It's a good book. I also found " The voice of knowledge" by Don Miguel Ruiz helpful for me personally.
Not sure if my post will help but I'm here for you Grits, I pray for your healing. Best always
ABB