Best friends with my assaulter
The title says it all. I'm still best friends with my assaulter after all these years.
We started out as friends, then long term FWB who developed a trauma bond over our family issues. We were and are like brother-sister, best friends, and ex-lovers. After he did what he did, we separated for 7 months and then I forgave him, and he went into the military out of desperation to be a better person and guilt for who he was to me.
I've had two sides of myself at war. One wanted to be his best friend, and another wanted to gain revenge by reminding him of what he did and making him feel so guilty he suffers for years. I got both. I have someone who has suffered, cried, apologized and felt regret for my sake over and over... But he also genuinely changed, and never went back to the person he was again.
We are still best friends, and it hurts sometimes, because I am still divided. I am usually fine, but occasionally I remember what he did and the bullying from his friends in school that followed, and I revert back to that girl who wants revenge and who is never healed. I just don't know what to do, and any advice I've heard to cut him off has either not worked or made me dig my heels in.
Our friendship has been legitimately healing for both of us. We've moved past our childhoods together and then that, to being just best friends. I just feel so alone because our relationship has only ever been met with judgement, so I feel obligated to retain some hatred for him. Otherwise, I feel judged too.