Best friends with my assaulter
The title says it all. I'm still best friends with my assaulter after all these years.
We started out as friends, then long term FWB who developed a trauma bond over our family issues. We were and are like brother-sister, best friends, and ex-lovers. After he did what he did, we separated for 7 months and then I forgave him, and he went into the military out of desperation to be a better person and guilt for who he was to me.
I've had two sides of myself at war. One wanted to be his best friend, and another wanted to gain revenge by reminding him of what he did and making him feel so guilty he suffers for years. I got both. I have someone who has suffered, cried, apologized and felt regret for my sake over and over... But he also genuinely changed, and never went back to the person he was again.
We are still best friends, and it hurts sometimes, because I am still divided. I am usually fine, but occasionally I remember what he did and the bullying from his friends in school that followed, and I revert back to that girl who wants revenge and who is never healed. I just don't know what to do, and any advice I've heard to cut him off has either not worked or made me dig my heels in.
Our friendship has been legitimately healing for both of us. We've moved past our childhoods together and then that, to being just best friends. I just feel so alone because our relationship has only ever been met with judgement, so I feel obligated to retain some hatred for him. Otherwise, I feel judged too.
@gentleWriter7652
It is hard for others to see and understand why some people can move past bad things and still be friends or whatever....
you are not obligated...... to hate/ or seek revenge or what ever because someone else thinks you should or you assume they think that........
people ask all the time how someone can do this or that ....... because they have not been in your place....
If someone has something happen to them no matter what they planned in their head of HOW they would respond and handle it ........in the moment things look much different. You do not need to explain or defend or change your mind because their thoughts ..... you lived the moment
Thank you for sharing this. I’m in a similar situation in a way. It’s also quiet different but i understand where you’re coming from. Live and hate are so intertwined. It’s confusing at times. When someone you live does something terrible to you, it feels that much worse. But good people do bad things all of the time. Where do you draw the line on forgiveness?
I think that’s up to the forgiver. But something I’m asking myself after reading your post is… where do I draw the line? Where do you?
recently I discovered that I have no line… there is no real boundary because I grew up in abuse. I love that person so much that there’s nothing they can ever do that would make me stop loving them. And while in theory that sounds like what Love should be… but would a healthy individual think that way? I used to justify everything and often there were legitimate excuses but at what point, is there no going back?
@Camsweets
Very good questions
i think you are correct that there need to be boundaries and forgiveness does have a end.
And to be clear for my own edification, it’s problem to forgive someone and still not have them in your life. You can still even love the person. But I know for me, I need to remove toxicity from my life and holding onto my abuser, regardless of how much he changed or changes, it’s just not healthy for me. It’s self destructive behavior.
with that being said, I think it depends on the offense too. As someone who has been raped many times in my life by many different people, I can say that they did not all impact regardless of the severity of the situation.
I would say that I draw the line like this: If they apologized, genuinely changed, and held onto a sustainable level of goodness for a long time, I forgive them. If there's something left between us after I forgive them, I keep them in my life.
I experienced abuse as a kid from my mom and brother. My brother never apologized, so I never forgave. My mom kept apologizing over and over to stifle my reaction, but wouldn't change her behavior, so I never forgave.
I was asked by my sisters why I couldn't forgive my brother after over 10 years. I said he never apologized, and they said, "It's been so long that he probably never thinks to do so." But the thing is, he had to have his pivotal point somewhere, and if he didn't then he didn't really change. He tried to be my brother in dynamic after the abuse but he never tried to earn that dynamic. He just started being nice and looking guilty. I don't think he earned my forgiveness if he can't face his own shame.
It is also my family that judges me the most harshly for forgiving my best friend. My mom feels that she and my brother are entitled to the same forgiveness I gave him, because what he did was worse by nature... but from my perspective, countless years of skinning down wood cuts deeper than a single blow. There's nothing left in my relationship with them but shavings, but there is something left in my relationship with my friend.
I guess that's why it's frustrating for me to face other people's judgement, because I do think I have fair parameters for forgiveness. It's just probably not popular parameters.
