Am I broken?
I was 15 when my best friend raped me. I was sleeping and I woke up to find him pulling off my pyjamas. He was staying the night at my house which wasn't uncommon as we had been very close since we were 3. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to call out and my mum to find out wat was happening because it would be devastating for my family and his to see him acting that way. I assumed he had just had a bit too much to drink earlier in the night at his parent's BBQ so if I just told him to stop he would. I was so wrong, his eyes were so cold and he just ignored me. When I tried to grab at his hands and stop him he grabbed my wrists and held them out of the way. When he moved up my body and I started to protest again he wrapped his hand around my throat and told me to be quiet. So I shut up. I cried quietly and I tried my best to push at him without making too much noise whilst he took what he wanted. He whispered in my ear and stroked my hair as if we were lovers rather than friends. When he was finished he went back to the camp bed and fell asleep whilst I huddled in the corner trying to process what I had done wrong.
I've spent the last 10 years coming to terms with what happened to me that night and I have reached a point where I can talk about it without freaking out and I don't feel the constant urge to self harm anymore. But the one thing I still don't understand is how it has changed me sexually. I was a virgin that night but I knew what I liked and what I didn't. I wanted to be handled with care, to be loved on and cuddled. But now what really gets me off isn't whispered sweet notings or slow gentle kisses, its the rough treatment I have to ask for to really enjoy myself. I like to be choked, to have my hair pulled, to be slapped, tied up and taken. If my partner uses handcuffs I light up because I know if I pull on them they will dig into my wrists and hurt me more. I feel like I deserve it, like I need to be abused and I dont know how to stop it. I know that after what I went through that I should be sent into a panic attack any time someone grabs my writsts or chokes me but it does the oppposite...was he right when he said i wanted it really? have i just been kidding myself for the last 10 years?
i feel so lost, i just don't understand.
@straightforwardLemon1654 I am so sorry to hear that that happened to you, and I wish you the best in your recovery from that experience ♡.
it sounds though, as if you might be using rough sex as a different form of self harm or even retraumatization.
the way you engage in sex is up to you, and isn't inherently wrong. but I think maybe you should seek some sort of counseling if you're not already and try to re-examine your relationship with these kinds of sexual acts if they're upsetting you in retrospect like this. if you choose to, it's possible to rework the specifics of what you find pleasing in a partner that won't remind you of your experiences. but even if you dont, that will never ever make your abuser right or mean that you deserved it or that it's your fault. youre so much more than what was done to you. you deserved better than that and you always will, no matter what you enjoy or anything else. I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but I wish you the best going forward ♡.
@straightforwardLemon1654
No you haven't been kidding yourself over the past ten years. What your so called friend did was wrong and no matter what thoughts you have about the subject, he was wrong. You did not deserve what happened. Self blame is a very common reaction to trauma as is re-experiencing the trauma. This event has no doubt shaped you into being the way you are now in many different respects. If you feel you may be helped by therapy definitely pursue it. I am glad you don't self harm anymore, but I am saddened that you feel so lost. You can message me anytime. I always respond though it may take a little time depending on what I am doing on any given day. I do hope you find yourself going forward. There are many in this forum alone who are understanding and supportive. Im sorry you had to go through that experience my friend.
