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straightforwardLemon1654
1,883 M Hopeful Heart 1
PathStep 47 Compassion hearts32 Forum posts17 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2021 Member sinceJanuary 21, 2018
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Self-Harm Recovery / by straightforwardLemon1654
Last post
 January 20th, 2021
...See more I’ve not really hurt myself for about 5 years now but I the past few weeks I’ve found myself not stopping myself from getting everyday injuries and look forward to it when I do. A couple of times now I’ve “accidentally” knocked the knife I use to open boxes etc and have then spent the next week stopping it from healing properly rather than helping it. Last week I actively cut my palm knowing it would just keep reopening without me having to mess with it. I feel like I’m going backwards again but I don’t know what to do?
Am I broken?
Trauma Support / by straightforwardLemon1654
Last post
 July 21st, 2020
...See more I was 15 when my best friend raped me. I was sleeping and I woke up to find him pulling off my pyjamas. He was staying the night at my house which wasn't uncommon as we had been very close since we were 3. I didn't know what to do, I didn't want to call out and my mum to find out wat was happening because it would be devastating for my family and his to see him acting that way. I assumed he had just had a bit too much to drink earlier in the night at his parent's BBQ so if I just told him to stop he would. I was so wrong, his eyes were so cold and he just ignored me. When I tried to grab at his hands and stop him he grabbed my wrists and held them out of the way. When he moved up my body and I started to protest again he wrapped his hand around my throat and told me to be quiet. So I shut up. I cried quietly and I tried my best to push at him without making too much noise whilst he took what he wanted. He whispered in my ear and stroked my hair as if we were lovers rather than friends. When he was finished he went back to the camp bed and fell asleep whilst I huddled in the corner trying to process what I had done wrong. I've spent the last 10 years coming to terms with what happened to me that night and I have reached a point where I can talk about it without freaking out and I don't feel the constant urge to self harm anymore. But the one thing I still don't understand is how it has changed me sexually. I was a virgin that night but I knew what I liked and what I didn't. I wanted to be handled with care, to be loved on and cuddled. But now what really gets me off isn't whispered sweet notings or slow gentle kisses, its the rough treatment I have to ask for to really enjoy myself. I like to be choked, to have my hair pulled, to be slapped, tied up and taken. If my partner uses handcuffs I light up because I know if I pull on them they will dig into my wrists and hurt me more. I feel like I deserve it, like I need to be abused and I dont know how to stop it. I know that after what I went through that I should be sent into a panic attack any time someone grabs my writsts or chokes me but it does the oppposite...was he right when he said i wanted it really? have i just been kidding myself for the last 10 years? i feel so lost, i just don't understand.
Temptation
Self-Harm Recovery / by straightforwardLemon1654
Last post
 January 6th, 2020
...See more Im going through a bit of a rough patch at the moment and every little thing is making me want to harm again. So many times at work today Ive picked up the work knife and thought about it. Ive even come up with a way of doing it at home without my partner realising. If any of you have any advice to help distract me or anything that would be a great help because I cant cope with this need much longer without giving into it.
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