Identifying Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships

Hey everyone! In honour of February being Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, I'm going to explaining the difference between a healthy and an unhealthy relationship. While you may think the difference is straight-forward at first, it isn't that simple. Studies on teen dating violence show that 58% of parents did not recognize all the signs of an abusive relationship, which just serves to validate my point that the signs are not all clear. Hopefully this forum thread will serve to illuminate some of the key identifiers.

What is a healthy relationship?

A healthy relationship is defined by the National Domestic Violence Hotline as a relationship that "allow(s) both partners to feel supported and connected but still feel independent." In addition, I would add that a healthy relationship is one where both partners feel safe. Communication and boundaries are key components to maintaining healthy relationships, as those are used by partners in a relationship to figure out what is safe and healthy for them. Consent is another key component to a healthy relationship. One main point the National Domestic Violence Hotline chooses to highlight is that being in a relationship does not automatically mean partners automatically consenting to anything, and consent doesn't transfer from one relationship to another. Partners should always be open to discussing boundaries, and what they are and aren't comfortable with. It's the best way to ensure both people feel safe and respected.

What characteristics make up a healthy relationship? Well, in a healthy relationship, both partners should feel comfortable talking about issues and conflicts in a constructive manner. If something is bothering them, they should feel as though it's okay to bring that up. There should be respect for each other, including privacy. Partners should be capable of compromising and reaching conclusions when there are disagreements. It is expected that partners won't see eye-to-eye on everything, but what really counts is being able to rebound from conflicts in a rational and respectful way. It could be surpassing boundaries to require a partner to "check in" in regards to whereabouts, and technology use should never be abused to check in on a partner. Fairness and equality should be present in a healthy relationship. Support is something partners should offer to each other, and also something partners should ask for when needed, as it can establish trust in the relationship. Finally, neither partner should feel pressured into consenting to any sort of act. A relationship doesn't have to contain all of the above in order to be considered healthy; however, a relationship that is healthy should provide happiness to both partners, and a relationship void of many of the above characteristics might not accomplish that.

What is an unhealthy relationship?

The Love is Respect Organization describes unhealthy relationships as being "based on power and control, not equality and respect." However, it isn't as easy to identify as that. In many cases, there is manipulation and deception occurring within the unhealthy relationship that can make a target disillusioned about what's really happen. In dating violence specifically, there can be several forms of abuse present, including sexual, physical, verbal, emotional abuse. Stalking is also a large issue. If one or both of the partners are at risk of being harmed as a result of the relationship, it might not be healthy.

What does an unhealthy relationship look like? There are a lot of characteristics that can indicate that a relationship is unhealthy, but there will be times where all relationships will contain some of them. However, an unhealthy relationship will more frequently contain these characteristics, and in addition, will cause tension that can extend into other aspects of a person's life. Unhealthy relationships could contain inequality by prioritizing one partner over the other. This could be in terms of well-being, or in terms of power. When there's an imbalance of power, one partner may try to control the other partner's decisions, fashion, use of time, career, opinions, etc. This is in addition to physical and sexual abuse that partners might be subjected to. Jealousy and possessiveness can also be present, and those might go so far as to even meaning that partners are being refused the opportunity to communicate with friends and family. @Annie shared a great resource in another thread that referenced a series of videos where 4 girls told their stories of dating violence. By watching the videos, you can hear from a good primary source what an unhealthy relationship can look like, and in addition, why they can be hard to detect. You can find these videos here.

It's hard to touch upon every characteristic of an unhealthy relationship in just one forum thread, because in reality, what makes a relationship unhealthy will be totally subjective. What makes a healthy relationship for one person could be what makes a relationship unhealthy for another. This is why communication and boundaries are so vital in healthy relationships.

Sources:
http://www.loveisrespect.org/healthy-relationships/
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/healthy-relationships/
https://www.breakthecycle.org/sites/default/files/pdf/lina-curriculum-high-school.pdf
http://www.tacoma.washington.edu/studentaffairs/SHW/documents/Health%20topics/Healthy%20vs%20Unhealthy%20Relationships.pdf
http://www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/why-do-people-stay-in-abusive-relationships/