Unsent Letter: Hatred
Since I'm not great at expressing myself, I made a poem instead.
I hope I formatted this correctly ....
Not sure if this post will get censored or not, but need to vent and I will water it down quite a bit ...
[TRIGGER WARNINGS: Physical abuse, verbal abuse, and SA;]
A letter to my abusive mother:
For many years of my life,
You only caused me pain and strife.
To think I ever wanted your love and validation,
Has caused me to cease in rumination.
Since when did you ever show me "love" that you so proclaimed?
Merely allowing me to breath and exist in your presence was a privilege, you claimed.
That proves that you "loved" me, despite all the harm you laid onto me.
From touching me inappropriately , to a blow to the face
Which made calling me ugly & disgusting appear much more tame.
You try to hide the evidence by blatantly lying and pretending it did not leave a trace
But deep down you stomped all over me, and the sound of you calling my name
Leaves my heart filled with anger and a face contorted into one that I don't recognize.
After all these years, you must realize
That the fondness that your perceive I have of you
Is only something you dreamt of and idealize
Because you can't stand to not be loved, despite you telling me so young
That you "hate" me because I'm just like my father, who's curly hair and brown skin you strongly dislike so you cannot be bothered
By some mere "ugly, frizzy" haired girl" like me
You can believe what you want, but I know who I am and who I plan to be
And that is not YOU and that is not your slave.
I am someone who has grown to be more callous and brave
To call you out on your deception and iniquity
You will never change, and I have made peace with it
However, I will no longer sit here and tolerate it
I want to say "goodbye forever", once I have my ducks in a row,
So I can finally close this chapter of my life and no longer feel morose
My greatest revenge to you will be me living a life that will bring jubilation and prosperity,
Far away from you and your depravity
I will be content with my new little family,
Which consists of my son, partner, and self along with those who will be my calvary.
Goodbye for good, so long and farewell.
You will not be missed, and I will no longer stay in this cell.
I wanted to delve a bit deeper into the poem and say...
I have been living with my abusive mother lately due to my medical issues, and it feels as though I'm in the nether world.
She attempted to provoke again tonight, and was close to slapping me, so I recorded her to prevent that, and she backed away, mocking me in the video.
I plan to document EVERYTHING she does and says. Any threat of physical violence towards my son and myself. And racial slur towards me (I'm mixed race also it would NOT look good considering she works around children) and anytime she tries to creepy in myself or son in an inappropriate matter.
She also drinks and drives, and has said so several times, but sadly, I did NOT catch a recording of it -- but I plan to.
I will NOT allow her to treat me this way.
She claims to be a "loving mother" because I am not "homeless", but she certainly didn't help me prior when I was homeless and dealing with my abusive ex who nearly took away my final breath. Furthermore, she has sabotaged my career, once again by making false promises while supporting my shoppaholic, drug addict younger brother instead -- rubbing it in my face that "at least he pays back" when she KNOWS I have paid back before, and because of my disability, it is difficult to work currently -- plus she is preventing me from my goal snd abusing my medical issue.
I know she only took me in to cut off my wings and prevent me from flying. I do not trust this snake, not one bit. She may have charmed others, but I know who she is, deep down. My father (who my mother separated from) is an old fool still in love, but doesn't see how she treats her own children, grandchild NOR how much she absolutely DETESTS and ABHORRS my father, even mentioning racial slurs. He will ALWAYS defend her. He has told me he doesn't care about family, to my face, so I will not give any care to him either. I will not bother to care for him at an elderly age. He has been awful to me as well growing up.
I attempted to off myself many times being around family. It stresses me out. My hatred for them all is intense and immense. I can NOT stand it. Others think they're "normal", but they seriously disgust me. They are disgusting, scum, human beings who care not for others, but themselves. I get sick hearing how they think they are "better" than everyone they encounter and hold their last name to high regards while looking down on others. Disgusting.
I plan to change my name to NEVER be associated with them EVER again.
@ImpudentIncognito
To give context about the career thing...
I requested from my father to borrow approximately 137€/150$ to extend my real estate classes -- so my school exam wouldn't expire soon(I live OUT of state and have to fly down there to take the final test -- but no plane ticket money currently). He went "Okay, here's exactly the 137€/150$ --BUT it goes to your MOTHER first. She can decide if she wants to pay for your exam or not, she might need it more" and he handed it to my brother to give to my mother. (My mother hates my father and has NO contact with him, and goes through my brother and constantly receives money from father by the way).
My mother, being herself, is the type to hold this sort of thing over my head to punish me. She said I could have been in the streets, but since she's such a "great" mother, she didn't "allow" me to be homeless...
She has promised to take me to job interviews in the past, then bailed out last minute so I missed the interviews....
So I do NOT trust that she'll help me. I am looking for remote jobs, since my medical issue sends me to the E.R. depending on how much physical activity I do and (sadly) sitting in office jobs too hurts my back extremely bad...
That's the sort of situation I am currently in. I have paid my family back in the past and am going to again...but having second thoughts with the way they treat me and threaten physical violence and how my mother is being inappropriate around my son (though, sadly, nothing I can do about it in this place...Other than physically block her or call her out on her disgusting behaviour...)
I hope for your healing.
