Trauma?? (Tw)

@rightyofelix

Hey Felix,

Taking steps to identify your problems sounds like a brave first step. I wish you a lot of strength for your healing journey. We're here for you if you need someone to talk to. You're not alone.

Take care,

audienta

@audientaTo be honest, I was going to start the same day, but then something just stopped me, and I started avoiding for a bit pfffft- I'm going to finally start heh- and thank you! I really appreciate it!

@rightyofelix

My earliest trauma is tough to depict since I have such a terrible memory, but age 9 is a doozy, a lot to impact- so I'll try to put it into chapters of some kind- (TW: SH, Weight, SA, Depression, Bullying, etc?)

When I was younger, my family had to deal with poverty for a bit, which led me to be overly skinny, and we had food at our grandma's home. Still, I was a very picky eater so I wouldn't exactly get the nutrients I needed- I wasn't happy, for many reasons, which lead me to be depressed. I would do many things; banging my head on the wall was the most common. There wasn't much to it that I can remember other than crying a lot and hiding in small disclosed spaces as well. My family still thinks it was for attention, or at least one of them I know still does.

I wasn't the most good-looking on the block, but then again I was 9- People didn't like me for how I acted either; I was overly hyper, touchy, and just plain weird. (Also, my brother told people bout my SH habits and such so-) People didn't take me to their liking, so I was usually disclosed- I made a few "friends" who strangely accepted me- A girl and a group of guys.

The girl, let's call her Marie, taught me to sexualize myself; walking a certain way to show my butt and etc, and called me ugly- She used me to try to date my brother. The guys were awesome, we roughhoused and had a great time! One boy introduced me to the group, calling him Jake, was so nice to me! One day, I was getting taught to swim in our school, and we were next to each other. I never really saw any sign that he was into me at all, and surely a lil boy can't do anything too crazy rig- he groped my butt. Yep. I switched spots with my brother (who apparently knew that he liked me beforehand) and then experienced my teacher shove me into the water and have a breakdown; which hopefully got him to stop liking me idk-

Other than accidentally joining a cult-like group of teens/adults online, online creeps, and my mother beating me or yelling for anything I did wrong (which I can't really say much, I did a lot wrong as you can tell) and just using online as an escape route (you'll see that often here), that was the majority of it?

As I said, it doesn't hit hard as it should be (pun not fully intended) but it surely something to explain why I'm like this pfft-

@rightyofelix

Hi Felix,

wow, you've really went through a lot. I'm sorry to hear about your bad experiences within your family and friend group. And I wanted to note, that it's absolutely not justified, that your mom and this guy physically and sexually abused you, even if your behaviour was atypical. As a late-diagnosed autistic, I know the feeling of feeling alien, overwhelmed and helpless. But I can also say that it can get better once a proper support system and non-toxic environment get established. I hope, you find a place where you feel safe to express and follow your needs.

Take care,

audienta

@audienta Oh wow it's been a while since I have been here, I was hoping when I came back, I could have brought you all good news and say, "Hey! I got better!"-- Unfortunately, not the case, BUT I'm thankful for the support I've have currently!

@rightyofelix

Hey Felix,

while I understand your hope, it's no problem that it's not better and that you still need support. That's what we're here for, and we'd love to support you the best we can. I'm glad to hear, that you've already got better support than in May and I hope that this helps you to feel better soon.