TW: talk about rape

So 3 years ago I was raped by my friends boyfriend at a party. I was on a bunch of pills and coke and I was also drinking. He raped me while my friend was in the next room. My other friends current boyfriend (they weren’t dating yet) came in while I was being raped and said “what do we have here” while watching me completely frozen with tears going down my face. Lost all my friends because they thought that I just had sex with him. I went back to him thinking it was just because he was also drunk, spent the night over because I ran away from my abusive household and he continued to rape me a few times while i was there. The only thing I can fully remember is him saying “I’m so scared of a woman saying I raped them” after raping me. Then come 2 years ago and like a month, I got close with a guy who I heard “raped” people. I know where I live, people like spreading rumours so I didn’t pay any attention. I let him get close enough to me that I let him in my house. My room is right next to the living room and my mom was awake. He sat in my room alone while my mom talked to me. When I went back into my room we started to watch a movie then he began taking his pants off. I froze again and he raped me. He said that if I make any noises he’d hurt me. So I didn’t make a noise because I was scared. My bed is from my childhood because I have a small room so he literally raped me on my childhood bed. I can’t sleep in my room anymore without feeling gross and guilty. I still feel their hands on my body, I can still hear their voices and I can still smell what it smelt like in the houses. I feel so guilty because I let them get close. The worst thing though was reaching out to my mom about it. I told her about the second guy and this is what she said exactly… “ I didn’t hear anything or see anyone, stop trying to make everyone’s story your own”. I just remember breaking down telling her, shaking, and all she said was that and left. I told the police, they did nothing. I just want the trauma to go away, I want to turn back time and make sure I don’t get close with them.