TW: abuse mention and venting

I hate this. I hate my past abusers. I hate what they did to me and I hate that I can't think straight. I hate that I get panicked and I hate that I get scared so easily. And I hate that I can't relax because every time I tried, it was like something went wrong- if not from them directly, then from other people/events/things. Even when I know logically that they're gone, instinctively I still freak and get scared, like they're right there. And now I'm scared of everyone else too.

I'm trying so hard to think ahead, and undo the gaslighting and relax but I can't. Because the second I try to relax/rest/be happy something I find that I fall into self-destructive behaviors. Or just bad habits I know will cause me problems later.

What happened to me in the past wasn't my fault. I know that. But I know how unhealed trauma can breed toxicity, bad habits, and callousness/abuse on my part, and I can see myself already slipping into those. What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared of my future actions and poor choices. Because at that point I will be responsible, and then will have to cope with others and the consequences of my own actions. As it is now, I already have to do that.

I'm trying hard to lead the best life I can- at least trying not to do the things I know are bad. Problem is because of the fear/pain/damage/anger/bitterness I'm carrying around, I get the feeling I'll just end up ruining everything in my life. I find myself "caring" less and less and just saying "screw it" to do things I know will be bad for me, but I just don't care. Thankfully right now it's just eating junk/comfort food all the time and certain addictive hobbies (-cough cough- roleplaying -cough-) but I know it will snowball once I stop "trying".

And of course, I catastrophize literally every possible choice atm lol because it FEELS like every choice is a bad one. I'm sure being on internet for too long has not helped lol.

I guess all this to say: I don't know what I actually "need". And how to feel better. And live with as few regrets as possible lol.