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HidaYasu
3,798 M Seeking Light 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts246 Forum posts69 Forum upvotes122 Current upvotes122 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 19, 2023
Recent forum posts
Question about Voices
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 May 19th
...See more Do you ever "sense" the presence of your voices? Like when you feel a person close by or sense someone approaching? Or is it just an auditory thing?
TW: abuse mention and venting
Trauma Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 March 26th
...See more I hate this. I hate my past abusers. I hate what they did to me and I hate that I can't think straight. I hate that I get panicked and I hate that I get scared so easily. And I hate that I can't relax because every time I tried, it was like something went wrong- if not from them directly, then from other people/events/things. Even when I know logically that they're gone, instinctively I still freak and get scared, like they're right there. And now I'm scared of everyone else too. I'm trying so hard to think ahead, and undo the gaslighting and relax but I can't. Because the second I try to relax/rest/be happy something I find that I fall into self-destructive behaviors. Or just bad habits I know will cause me problems later. What happened to me in the past wasn't my fault. I know that. But I know how unhealed trauma can breed toxicity, bad habits, and callousness/abuse on my part, and I can see myself already slipping into those. What I'm trying to say is that I'm scared of my future actions and poor choices. Because at that point I will be responsible, and then will have to cope with others and the consequences of my own actions. As it is now, I already have to do that. I'm trying hard to lead the best life I can- at least trying not to do the things I know are bad. Problem is because of the fear/pain/damage/anger/bitterness I'm carrying around, I get the feeling I'll just end up ruining everything in my life. I find myself "caring" less and less and just saying "screw it" to do things I know will be bad for me, but I just don't care. Thankfully right now it's just eating junk/comfort food all the time and certain addictive hobbies (-cough cough- roleplaying -cough-) but I know it will snowball once I stop "trying". And of course, I catastrophize literally every possible choice atm lol because it FEELS like every choice is a bad one. I'm sure being on internet for too long has not helped lol. I guess all this to say: I don't know what I actually "need". And how to feel better. And live with as few regrets as possible lol.
Mental Load
Work & Career / by HidaYasu
Last post
 January 27th
...See more I'm not sure if this technically counts as "work stress", but I didn't know where else to post this.  Last couple years was really bad for me mentally, and I just didn't have the capacity to do a lot (both in work AND house chores and the like) so I didn't actually manage to do a lot. Recently I've felt like I've gotten my energy back, but now something feels like it's "looming" over me. What I'm THINKING is happening is that I've had these "goals" in my head for a while, and have a strong drive to "finish" and come to completion. Now anything I don't have "finished" sort of weighs me down. Like if I finish something small I do feel better, but if it's a long term project, I just can't relax until I'm done. And even things I haven't started yet, I try to sit and relax it's like "I've got to do this later I CAN'T forget" and then keep reworking that project in my head. Which doesn't help when I'm trying to sleep since, you know, sleep is important lol. I've already started using a planner and it does help to get things out of my head and put them down. But this only helps with basic household tasks and stuff, because those don't take mental space. But like when I'm thinking "I want to finish this overarching goal this year" I can't seem to just let it go for even a few hours because it's something that will take consistent planning, work, and effort. I try to think "you don't have to do this now, just relax", but a part of me is like "but I can't let it go completely because then I'll forget, I have to make sure I get this right". Did any of that make sense? Has anyone experienced something similar? And if so what did you do to help?
Accomplishments
Depression Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 December 1st, 2023
...See more I'm really upset. I feel like all the things I "tried" to do over the last few years were just pointless. And I'm sad because I just don't want to do "anything". Maybe in a way I'm grieving? Or I've just lost all the will to struggle lol. I get myself to work, do what I need, and grab a snack when I'm hungry. Everything else just sort of falls away in importance/necessity/everything.
Desperate for Love
Depression Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 November 28th, 2023
...See more I've had a really hard time the last few years. I was already struggling in 2019, but then covid made it worse. I had some friends that weren't really the best to me and it really hit my feelings and self esteem. I kept getting ignored and ignored until it got almost painful. Then even after I worked through that I got that symptom of depression where it feels like you have this "wall" up between you and the world. Even when I tried to socialize with my other friends and my family, I couldn't feel connected to them because of this invisible wall. I just didn't feel present with them and I couldn't feel good about it at all, even when we were having so much fun and good conversation. As a result I feel so isolated and lonely. I'm trying to talk with people again, but this pain makes it hard for me to focus on other things, like my hobbies, or exercise, or even work I have to do- aka things that would help my mental health. I've finally stopped disassociating, and I am really happy and grateful for that, but it doesn't fix this hollowness I have in my chest from feeling like I haven't been "with" anyone for so long. When people don't respond to me, it actually hurts in my chest. I guess this is me complaining. How do you fix this type of scar?
Coming Down from Stress
Trauma Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 November 28th, 2023
...See more I've had a very traumatic last few years. Thankfully my state has medicaid so I've been able to get the care I need to recover, including therapy. But I realized, after watching a video on youtube about something called the "freeze response", that I haven't been able to calm down from the trauma. I already knew I was hypervigilant, and I managed to come down from that, but the video reminded me that I had never told my brain that "we're safe now, we don't need to be on high alert anymore". All this to say: if you're still in a dangerous situation, of course you'll still be on high alert, and that's just how it is. But if you've had a traumatic childhood, or even just a traumatic event that happened a long time ago, but you still haven't been able to function normally, it could be that your brain still assumes you're in danger. You have to assure and remind yourself that whatever happened to you won't happen again. If you try that, and your first instinct is to be defensive of that and say "yes it will" or just feel like that's a lie, then that could be why you haven't been able to recover. You can't let go of the fear that this "danger" won't happen again. I've been able to recover by leaps and bounds since I realized that lol I was able to let go of a LOT of stress, and even a lot of my anxiety has managed to calm down. I share this in the hopes that it will help someone else.
Fear of Disappointment
Depression Support / by HidaYasu
Last post
 November 13th, 2023
...See more Lately I've noticed I haven't been able to bring myself to put in hard work for anything. Chores, stories, personal projects, even work has been suffering. It's like an internal block that stops me from going over a certain threshold of "effort" that I don't want to overcome. I realized part of it is this burning fear of disappointment. These last few years had been a constant pattern of "work, loss" "work, loss", "work, loss." There's been almost no real payout for me, or when there has been it's been snatched away too. I'm just tired. And I just can't let go of this unconscious assumption that any effort I put into something will just increase the pain I feel when something inevitably falls through. I'm still kind of experiencing it, in small ways, though that's more due to me purposefully stopping myself so I can focus on other, better things. It's not a question of IF it doesn't work out, but WHEN. I can't even bring myself to work on my passions and hobbies because of this issue. Even being "fun" in the moment won't stop the frustration when I have to stop a project or end up giving up on it for the sake of other responsibilities. I know, logically, I need to "work" to do anything in life, even simple daily things. I'm just so afraid to experience that pain again I can't bring myself to invest my time, efforts, hopes, or emotions in anything.
I feel so lost
Religion & Spirituality / by HidaYasu
Last post
 October 5th, 2023
...See more I've been spending the last ten years of my life following what I thought was God. Now I'm starting to think it wasn't God at all. But all my plans, my dreams, my decisions about the immediate future was all based on the goals that I thought "God" was leading me to. Now I have no idea what my purpose is or what He wants to do in my life. And the only reason I'm not like "oh I'll just make my own decisions and figure out what to do with my life" is because my life has been constantly interrupted, and Christians are always like "God has a plan" or whatever. I don't want God to interrupt my plans/attempts/life yet AGAIN just because I'm not doing what He wants me to do. I wish I knew what to do. I no longer have a concrete plan and now I'm just basically passing the time everyday (when not working) until I can find a new purpose. I'm like in limbo and I hate it.
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