PTSD from abusive mother
I am in abroad living alone for two years and my mentality is ok here, I enjoy my life. But now I have(I can’t not) to go back to that place that is haunting me from my childhood.
I’m afraid to live that dark life again with people I don’t want to interact. She hurt me too much mentally. I literally hate her so much. She was abusive(she hit or kick us children since young, cursing the worst things you could ever imagine), also controlling(if she doesn’t have her way, she doesn’t stop cursing, she even threatened to kill me with knife) and have very low self esteem. She herself has mental disorder(she’s taking medication) and wants to make others go crazy. Once she opens her mouth, she say negative things. Even when we’re happy, she doesn’t want to see it and always tells bad things. I couldn’t sleep or I woke up just from small sounds when I was in my country. Now I live alone in abroad but whenever she calls me, she doesn’t ask about my well-being instead talks about negative things again and again, I hung up every time and my mood is always ruined. I’m really fed up. I hate her so much that I don’t ever want to talk to her again. I hope if I go back, I will not go crazy and I will be able to get out of that *** alive. When I knew I have to go back, my tears fell on its own. I can’t express the feeling that I hated that life of mine. I even start to think why I was born in that kind of family. I really envy children who grew up in nice family with nice mother. In my next life, I never want to have that kind of parents again. I have one elder sister but she’s not mentally supportive. She’s not a bad sister but she tends to blame me or says “why are you getting worked up with this little things” when I express my feelings so I rarely talk to her about my feelings.
I had low self esteem and inferiority complex because of my childhood before. Now I’m finally living better but I need to get over this. After this, I hope I will be free again, living my life peacefully. (I don’t have depression or suicidal thoughts, I’m just afraid I will go crazy)
@LinYukari97
@LinYukari97
for me, I was lucky. I was in the exact same situation you were. I felt a if I go back to the life I had before, that I would die either from having too low of mental health, or her death threats actually becoming true. I don’t regret my decision, and I wouldn’t do it differently. But what I’m trying to say by “I am lucky” is to say that your escape is probably not going to be fun especially if you go down the route I did. If you have a better route, take that route. For example, if you can stay with a family member/friend in original country, do that instead. Do it as many times as you need to, as some friends just wanted to virtue signal before tossing you aside. This is a slightly better method than the route that I had to take. So do that if it’s available to you. Or, if you feel like you can stay in the abusive household for a month or two before you die. See if you can get a job and save up enough to get out on your own.
if it is not, and there is no other option. If going back means death, but you don’t have anybody who is willing to house you. Then go to an abuse center, or homeless shelter. They are practically the same as far as I’ve heard. I went to a homeless shelter, and talked to the people who came from abuse center to the homeless shelter.
if you go down the homeless shelter route. Here would be information you might want to know.this is by no means saying no. After all, in my case it was the matter of life and death, it seems to be for you too. So all of this might be very much above death. For me, it was above death. This is more of try to get out of the homeless shelter as soon as possible, because the longer you stay there the more you realize how unsustainable it really is.
first thing to know, is that even if it looks nice it doesn’t mean it actually is nice. There was some things in my homeless shelters that others didn’t have. We were able to have our own rooms to ourselves, which according to what I got from other people, that was a privilege. It will not last. Your fight is not over, get out of there as soon as possible. If a friend has reached out to you to house you, take that option. I don’t care if currently it looks like it’s better, it’s not going to be. And here’s what you’ll recognize the longer you stay there.
Homelessness discrimination. You will be not let into buildings if they discover where you live. for example, I wasn’t let into the library so I lost information on how to get out of the homeless shelter. people will assume that because you are living in the homeless shelter, that means you are a ruthless animal who only steals things. I know that isn’t true, not only from myself but I’d was able to talk to the people who ended up in the homeless shelter. It was right after Covid, so the majority of people lost their jobs, and therefore cannot pay rent. A lot of the people were trying to do the exact same thing I was doing. Trying to escape abuse. I only saw one person who had a drug addiction problem and they came in, same with gambling. They were quickly kicked out, so. my point is, you’re going to be discriminated against, so try to not let them know if possible. try to keep your homelessness a secret whenever possible.
If there is anything else that you can be discriminated against, it will become VERY prominent. Because I’m a woman, of course I’ve gotten sexism thrown towards me. But to be quite honest, I don’t think I really noticed it as sexism until I became homeless. People outright told me that they were not going to help me because I was a woman and. No one danced around the issue anymore, it was direct. Unfortunately, it’s not like I can change the fact that I’m a woman. So this is more of just something to be aware of than advice.
The homeless shelter, despite being free, will not be free. What they’re going to do is that they will want you to get a job within the first two weeks. Luckily, this was right after Covid and a lot of jobs are hiring. They were willing to hire me despite knowing where I lived, and I’m extremely grateful for that. But there’s a reason why they wanted you to get a job in the first two weeks. They might say that it’s to get you on your feet. I quickly learned that that is a façade. The reason why they want you to get a job, it’s because you’re going to take 50% of your paycheck. they do this with everyone, and if you refuse to give up 50%, they will kick you out. don’t be too scared though. They are taking a percentage, not a set rate. So if you only got $10 from your job, they can’t take $20. They will only take 50% of what you have. So it’s not impossible to save money, it’s just going to take longer than it would have.
I heard that most homeless shelters have you in just one big room with a bunch of beds. That was not my experience, although I heard that from at least one resident that transferred from an abuse Center. This might be really bad for someone who has PTSD, like myself.
A general rule is that the people who are in charge are entitled.they may not be bad people, but they definitely feel like you owe them something for housing you. This is not charity, it’s transactional. By you staying there, they’re going to give you a list of unreasonable expectations beyond just getting yourself back on your feet. I already mentioned giving 50% of your paycheck to them that they will not give you back, even if they say they will. But you’re also expected to do chores not based on if you can do them, so I hope you don’t have a disability that would stop you from doing those chores, but based on the number of people inside the house. The reason why I tell you this is because this was the main reason why everyone was kicked out including myself. Although they were so gracious as to wait until I was able to go back to college, but my point still stands. The reason why I was kicked out was because I did not do the trash at the time that they liked. Nothing I didn’t take it out, but not the time that they liked. And that justified me being kicked out of the shelter. Another person was kicked out for watching the wrong TV show. Another was staying out late one time.
ADVICE
My biggest advice is to get out of the shelter as soon as possible. They will find a reason to kick you out within the first two months. A lot of people had less than that. Keep your head down, but try to leave. Your fight is by no means over, it is just begun.
budget aggressively. If you can go without spending a single dime, do that. If you can’t, keep it to five dollars a day. Or put 60% of your remaining paycheck in savings. Eventually, you will be able to spend more. But right now you need to save up as much as you can to get out of the homeless shelter.
If you feel emotionally out of it, in this environment that would be a good thing. The abuse is going to continue to happen, it’s just coming from a different person as I already mentioned in the information section. It’s sad, but you’re only trying to get above death. So don’t feel like you have to feel anything during this, in fact it’s probably beneficial that you stay out of it for the time being. Worry about feeling things again once you are financially stable in your own place. Being emotionally out of it is the best way to keep your head down. If you are a mindless robot that does everything they say, you’ll stay the longest, but you won’t be the one who stays there. Because no one is. Speaking of.
Keep your homeless as a secret, but not from friends and family that you trust. Your friends and family that you trust, might be able to help you get out of the homeless shelter. Otherwise though, keep it to yourself. If somebody asked you if you’re living in a homeless shelter, say no or dodge the question. If you do not absolutely need to tell, don’t.
be very careful if there is anything else they can discriminate you against, because they will. at the time, I was a blue-eyed blonde women. My hair was dyed, and obviously I wasn’t going to keep that up. But nonetheless. I don’t know how much privilege gave me, but I know that even with that I was still discriminated against, and discriminate against directly. I could only imagine what it would be like for a black person or even just a woman who just looks slightly different from me. Sadly, this is not the time to push back barriers. If you’re denied aid that somebody else who is white and male go. I verified with the other residents of the homeless shelter that the white male residents got aid, anyone else didn’t. Then don’t waste your time. Except that you’re not going to get the aid and go onto Plan B. When making plans, you’re going to have to be aware of your disadvantages unfortunately. Unfortunately, my disadvantage was being born a woman. I heard that some people would actually follow stereotypes, so that they can get advantages that if they didn’t put up the front they wouldn’t have gotten. I heard that some women would play into the smart but ugly trope, to get by. As in, they would be the people with brown hair.
you know yourself best, don’t let anybody regardless of their authority level tell you what you should do. Because I was dealing with PTSD, I tried to go to a low income therapy center. they did let me in, but they told me unless I spent 200 a month for medication, then why was I even going to therapy? I was then told if I didn’t spend that much, that I was a bad person. They told me that my abuse was just “cognitive distortions”, essentially saying I made it up. It might be easy to put yourself down because somebody in a authority told you to. honestly, my suggestion is to not listen. If you feel like the therapy is making you worse, you have both illegal and moral right to leave. this is advice based on medical abuse, but it can apply to other things too.
I hope this helps, and I hope that you get a better suggestion than this one, because this is the worst case scenario. I hope that you can find a friend that’s willing to house you.
@LinYukari97
I had a temporary cut out a piece of advice, because I kept on getting falsely flagged.
keep your head down. If you’re emotionally out of it, this will actually be much easier to pull off. Do what you’re told, but don’t make yourself known. You can talk with the other residence, in fact that’s encouraged. But unless there is no way you can go without telling you or something, such as another resident threatening to k&ll you, then don’t tell anyone that anything bad that you might see. Especially, do not call out the owners for being entitled. Stay quiet even if they say that all homeless people are lazy and d*$e*ve to d*e, which is something I did here.
@Catst1234thank you for your post very helping