Now I have to be Selfish, and It HURTS

I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. I work a demanding, draining, and honestly not-worth-the-pay job. I love my work as a counselor and helping clients, but the job is such a drain and full of so much bureaucratic *** that I don't get a lot of time to really provide quality care that I want to. Office politics. Certain people in positions of power get to show up late every day and skimp on their work with no repercussions, while us "grunts" always pull the slack and get jumped if things do not get done properly, which certainly does happen when one clinician is doing the work of three people at any point in time.  If I'm being one hundred percent honest, it's toxic, which is ironic since it's supposed to be a program to help others. My son already suffers enough from me working so much overtime at times. I took the job because it was all I could get with my degree. My husband couldn't keep us all up financially anymore and I had to work. I got a year and a half experience here and I'm DONE. I already placed an application for some remote work and I have a backup just in case. Now that I'm pregnant, exhausted, hormonal, and already stretched to the max, I am ready to go. I'd quit tomorrow if I could, but I have to give one months' notice, which I will this coming week. 

Not gonna lie, I'm terrified of change, even if I know it's the right thing to do for myself and my kid and future baby. I'm just *** TIRED. I work all the time, try to parent my toddler with utmost exhaustion, and feel guilty because I'm spending more time on a job that doesn't care than anything in general. 

I'm on the verge of tears as I type this. I miss my little boy. I miss peace of mind. 

I do consider going back to the helping profession, but I need a break. I don't need to do this to myself- my family. I'm constantly on call in some way. Group chat going off at any hour of the night asking work-related *** questions. There have been days I've worked over, went home to calm down, only to be called about some *** something that could probably wait. Even worse if it couldn't wait, because then it's an emergency. Ugh. I'm crying now. 

I held on so long to gain the experience. Now I have it for my resume in the future. I'm done. Worst of all, due to past abuse, I will feel GUILTY, no matter what. No way out of it. 

I had a good talk with my own therapist today, and she solidified it for me. It's time for me to move on. She told me that unfortunately community mental health often does not provide an environment for good therapists to thrive.  I know I'm not some great therapist, but I feel like a *** one here. 

I just want to work at whatever part-time to make ends meet, spend more time with my boy and his future sibling while they're little, and then I'll go back, get my masters, and stay the *** away from the place I work now. 

It hurts so bad. I wish it didn't hurt so bad to put myself first. Trauma has caused this. ***!

Thanks for listening. I'll be okay. One day at a time now until my last day of work.