Letting Go Of The Guilt
First of all, I am not sure if that this is the right forum to post in. If it is not, let me know and I can repost it in the right one.
Several years ago, I fell in love with a man who made me feel special and I can conquer the world. Then he became a monster and the King of Cons. He was the con man that could sell ice cream to the Eskimos.
He abused me mentally, told me that I was no good without him; I was going to end up in a mental institution or in a circus freak show. (I am physically disabled) And yet, to everyone else, he was great, wonderful and etc. Like I mention, the King of Cons.
One day he threatened my life, but I didn't press charges because technically he never said the words, ?I will kill you.? Just made it crystal clear to me. So it was my word against his. And who would believe this circus freak.
After the relationship was over, I moved to another town and cut everyone out of my life. I was in such a mess, that it took me a year to be functioning again. And it was years later when I found out that he had beaten my best friend and raped her.
And now, I have that guilt. I know that I did not beat my friend or force myself on her. But I feel like it was my silence that causes it. Honestly, I don?t know if I did press charges, would he be still in jail at the time it happened or he would have been out on bail. But nevertheless, my friend would have been aware of it and maybe, just maybe it would never happen.
I don?t know the full details of what happened, she hasn?t told me the whole story and to be honest, I don?t want know. But I am guessing that he came to her under the prefix that he wanted to get back together and maybe she can help him.
She is not angry with me, she understood the fear because she felt it. But yet, I still have that guilt.
I want so badly to let go of this guilt, and forgive him. Not because he deserved it, but for because I want to move on. I need to move on. I?m with another man, a different man who treats me wonderfully, always make sure that I am ok and such. I don?t want this guilt to ruin this.
The big problem I am having is that I have researched on forgiveness and letting go, but there is no direction. It is not like making a cake where you can follow a recipe or using a map to find the nearest McDonalds. There is no instructions and that is what it is making it worst.
I have been carrying this guilt for the longest time and believe me, I want to get rid of it, let it go and forgive. There is no instructions and that is what it is making it worst.
I'm really sorry you're going thru this. I can definitely relate. I was assaulted when i was 14. I'm 39 now. I didn't mention anything for 20years. At one point I saw his name in the arrest log for domestic violence. I always wondered if I had said something, would it have made a difference?? I'll never know. What you're feeling is completely normal. It's nobody's fault but his. He's the one to blame. You did what was right for you at the time. What you needed to do to take care of you. Take care. Xoxo
Thank you for your kind words. My heart and guts wants to let go out of all of this guilt and shame. But my brain is asking, "How do I do that?"
I know that this guilt and shame has affected me in life. I was in a relationship previous to the one I am with now. This guy was wonderful and he was there for me. However I have lost count of the number of times he has told me that he was notthat guy who did to meand he was never going hurt me like he did. However his "ghost", it is the best way that I can explain it, haunted that relationship. In fact, it was one of the main reasons of why we broke up. And I am afraid that his ghost is still haunting my current relationship which I do not want to break up over that.
I want this to stop haunting me so I can move on with my life.
Hi @Lesley152
I can never understand what you have been through or what you feel, both then or there. However I just want to say that I had to reply after reading your story.
I wish I had the answers that you seek. However you opening up here is a really positive step as is opening up to your partner about it as well. I really respect you for that.
All the best, Lesley. Good luck!
Thank you for your response. I tried typing this on my tablet, but it wouldn't post and I ended up retyping it 3 times so I just quit.
I am torn in the middle of whether or not to tell my boyfriend about this. Right this moment, his child is hospitalized so the answer is no. So I haven't really told him anything. He knows I have anixeties, but he doesn't know of how bad they are.
I'm basically afraid of his response, what then. Will he leave me or do something completely stupid.
Hi @Lesley152
Thank 'you' for your reply :) I'm sorry to hear that your boyfriend's child is hospitalised. I hope they're alright!
With your dilemma, it's a difficult question to answer for yourself, isn't it? Do you think there would be harm in waiting?
Roadie, I am actually waiting for his child to be out of the hospital. I am debating to tell him or not afterward. I still don't know.
Meanwhile this guilt still eats me. I wish that there was a blooming manual on how to let go all of this.
Hi @Lesley152
Sorry for not replying sooner but I didn't get a notification of your reply. How are things with you at the moment? Any developments?
Sort of, but not for the good. My anixieties are on warp speed and my flashbacks feel more intense. I also have been trying to find a new support system. I have been talking about it in the chat rooms, which they all told me that this wasn't my fault.
I really want to believe that, but somehow I just can't
Hi @Lesley152
I agree that it's not your fault. If you want someone to listen then please send me a message via http://www.7cups.com/ListenerDetails/Roadie/ :)