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Lesley152
51,557 M Crossing Mileposts 11
PathStep 300 Compassion hearts3,663 Forum posts37 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2020 Member sinceFebruary 27, 2015
Recent forum posts
Can flashbacks kill you?
Trauma Support / by Lesley152
Last post
 March 16th, 2015
...See more I feel like I am going to.  It's 4:40 in the morning and I got a hour sleep.  And right now my flashback is going over and over in my head, never stopping.  
Letting Go Of The Guilt
Trauma Support / by Lesley152
Last post
 April 11th, 2015
...See more First of all, I am not sure if that this is the right forum to post in.  If it is not, let me know and I can repost it in the right one. Several years ago, I fell in love with a man who made me feel special and I can conquer the world.  Then he became a monster and the King of Cons.  He was the con man that could sell ice cream to the Eskimos.  He abused me mentally, told me that I was no good without him; I was going to end up in a mental institution or in a circus freak show.  (I am physically disabled)  And yet, to everyone else, he was great, wonderful and etc.  Like I mention, the King of Cons. One day he threatened my life, but I didn't press charges because technically he never said the words, “I will kill you.”  Just made it crystal clear to me.  So it was my word against his.  And who would believe this circus freak. After the relationship was over, I moved to another town and cut everyone out of my life.  I was in such a mess, that it took me a year to be functioning again.  And it was years later when I found out that he had beaten my best friend and raped her.  And now, I have that guilt.  I know that I did not beat my friend or force myself on her.  But I feel like it was my silence that causes it.  Honestly, I don’t know if I did press charges, would he be still in jail at the time it happened or he would have been out on bail.  But nevertheless, my friend would have been aware of it and maybe, just maybe it would never happen. I don’t know the full details of what happened, she hasn’t told me the whole story and to be honest, I don’t want know.  But I am guessing that he came to her under the prefix that he wanted to get back together and maybe she can help him. She is not angry with me, she understood the fear because she felt it.  But yet, I still have that guilt. I want so badly to let go of this guilt, and forgive him.  Not because he deserved it, but for because I want to move on.  I need to move on.  I’m with another man, a different man who treats me wonderfully, always make sure that I am ok and such.  I don’t want this guilt to ruin this. The big problem I am having is that I have researched on forgiveness and letting go, but there is no direction.  It is not like making a cake where you can follow a recipe or using a map to find the nearest McDonalds.  There is no instructions and that is what it is making it worst.  I have been carrying this guilt for the longest time and believe me, I want to get rid of it, let it go and forgive.  There is no instructions and that is what it is making it worst. 
How Do You Stop a Memory Playing Over And Over
Trauma Support / by Lesley152
Last post
 January 7th, 2016
...See more I don't want to discuss the memory, but trust me, it is bad. It keeps going over and over in my head like a broken record. Its hard at night when I'm trying to sleep. Once I relax, BOOM the memory plays. And that is why I can't sleep.
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