How to find out what I'm feeling? (alexithymia?)
I guess this place is where my post feels most appropriate... I used to think I had an autism spectrum disorder, because often the way I feel (or actually don't feel) is so different from the impression other people get. Now I'm finding out that I'm just not in touch with my emotions a lot (especially negative ones), because since I was very little it partly didn't make any difference because I got no reactions, partly it was actively discouraged.
So now I'm being told that I'm "afraid to be in touch with my feelings", but I don't know if that's true? Well of course I don't lol, because I often don't seem to know what I'm afraid of either. I often don't "feel my feelings" if that makes any sense? I've also been told that I "don't give any emotional reaction" to things that I should have feelings about, and that this is hurtful to others 
I've read about dissociation now and I probably have some of that sometimes, but is that always what's going on there? I can relate to some of what I read about alexithymia. So I don't know, does anyone here have experience or resources on learning to feel/identify feelings after long-term emotional abuse/neglect?
@hereigoagain Hi thanks for your post, which I have just stumbled across and Im sorry you have not received a response until now.
Alexithymia is a psychological construct that refers to difficulties identifying and labeling emotional states. Those with Alexithymia who have PTSD may experience intense emotional/physiological states (e.g., fear, anger, and dysphoria) that are poorly integrated with, and who are unable to verbalise or identify what they feel, if they feel anything at all.
It is very common for Trauma Survivors to be unable to tolerate intense feelings, preferring to avoid feeling by any number of ways, whether these are positive or more unhealthy for the individual concerned. Feelings of extreme fear, horror or helplessness can lead to a pattern of reactions that are constantly repeated and can be very disruptive to daily life. It is only when a survivor begins to allow themselves to feel again, getting in touch with these feelings, learning to identify these and manage these, that healing can begin to take place. Where Survivors have been shut off from their feelings for a long period of time, this has been initially to help them cope with intense experiences, experiences that felt too unbearable. By shutting down in order to cope, this can affect the development of other coping skills that are often learnt in the absense of trauma. Decreasing emotional numbness and connecting with feelings may involve building skills that allow for the capacity to feel and cope with intense emotions.
Learning to reconnect with feelings often happens with the support of an external person who can assist the Survivor in working through their experiences. Part of healing is for the Survivor to appreciate that they have already survived the worst, and feeling the feelings associated with what they went through and how this has left them feeling and reconnecting with those feelings, identifying what they do feel etc Often following trauma Survivors may may become numb, feeling themselves shut off from those around them, or they may feel overwhelmed by grief or guilt which may constantly weigh them down.
Mindfulness can be a useful technique and approach to help with the above. This is very much about looking at the window of tolerance, learning to stay within this and not going into either emotional shut down, or feeling too much but finding a middle ground, which also reduces the need to dissociate or detach yourself from feelings. By working within the window of tolerance, it will enable your capacity to look at traumatic experiences without becoming overwhelmed by the associated emotion.
Grounding techniques like deep breathing, focusing on your senses can also help to keep you in the present day rather than shutting down and once some good solid grounding techniques are in place, you may find your ability to tolerate emotions and feelings begins to improve. Also important is the ability to self soothe, engaging in self care techniques which keep you safe, and enable you to take care of yourself and your needs when things feel a bit rocky.
@dancingRainbow45
Thanks for your reply, although I find it hard to see any actual answer to my question in it..?
In case anyone else struggling with similar issues will stumble upon this thread, I've found this article on alexithymia and possible treatments, and this one that also gives some insights (even though it's yet another one telling you to identify your feelings by "asking yourself what you're feeling", which to me is like "here's how you do it: you just do it" argh). I haven't tried many of those yet - apart from "asking myself what I'm feeling" of course, but somehow that wasn't a magical solution to finding out what I'm feeling, duh...
I did realise that my threshold for identifying feelings is very high, i.e. I only notice that I'm angry when I'm REALLY REALLY angry, so I'm working on lowering that threshold by being mindful of what's going on inside me once I've reached that state and trying to recognise the signs and typical situations earlier. I also identified some unhelpful associations from my abusive past, and have started to work on them so that I can feel it's fine to have and express such feelings and it doesn't have to mean terrible things. I think I might have made a little progress already.
@hereigoagain
I am unsure if this is what you mean, but growing up (all around abuse and detachment) I had no feelings whatsoever. I was aware, I understood, but it basically stopped there.
I didn't hug, say 'I love you,' or express any emotion verbally or physically. It was non-existent (at the time).
My aunt (R.I.P.) told me something similar to what you mentioned. She said that my not expressing my feelings back, to her in particularly, was hurtful. She cried and said she just wanted me to say it (I'm guessing and mean it too). She never stopped. To pacify her, I eventually did. But, that didn't change me or how I had always been.
Later on I began questioning why and began understanding I packed so much hurt, pain, abandonment, fear, abuse (etc etc) in the back of my mind that it psychologically barricaded my ability to feel/respond like "normal people" did. I basically cried and felt so much, before I could remember, that I never even realized until I began questioning my true emotions (like you are now).
I do not believe it is something that just is. But, that's just what happened with me. Many people helped me dig, learn, feel, and heal from the pain of it all. It takes time to dig out and heal and it's okay. :)
Sorry you're going through this. It is difficult hearing someone talk about something you don't feel and/or are unsure of feeling, especially when they say it's hurting others and it is not your intent. 💜
