Alcohol and relationships

ive Always been very shy. I remember in high school I found a note from my preschool teacher to my parents.. basically saying she was very very concerned for me, how I wouldn’t play with the other kids and I would just sit by myself all day. I wouldn’t even talk to anyone she said. It was a long note suggesting to my parents that I needed to get help. Seeing this in high school really affected me because then it felt like a truth to things I had been feeling then like there was something wrong with me in who I was. At the same time my dad had always been very abusive, mentally, and physically. While my mom stuck with him the whole time even when he was to her the whole time too. They both would always throw me in the middle so that they’d make me feel the fight would be completely my fault and both abuse me. At the age of 12 I met a guy who made me feel comfortable and special. 2 years later he sexually abused me. I cut myself and was so suicidal blaming myself until I had nowhere else to turn but my mom.. bad mistake as she was going through her own mental health breakdown. After telling her she ended up in a psych hospital calling me from the hospital absolutely like a different crazy person took over. She also told my dad what had happened to me after I made her promise not to. This made me blame myself even more. I made a few friends who were bad influences in high school and convinced me into going with them to a party. My journey with alcohol began. Sexual abuse from guys happened to me all the time and I don’t really know if I let it or not. I was bullied and I was doing bad at school. I drank myself into a new person for about 8 years. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 2 years of it and it’s been hell because of me. This person I know is one in a million. They treat me right.. but all I can do is self sabotage it. I’ve cheated on this person more than once. I’ve gotten physically angry with this person more than once. They’ve forgiven me and continued to treat me like a princess but why am I still sabotaging it? I’ve realized alcohol has been my problem. I can’t even have a glass to drink anymore without becoming a totally different person. But knowing this, I’ve realized that I’ve only made friends over the years because of alcohol and who I am without it is still that shy little girl I once was. I’m finding it so hard to make friends now. I’ve lost all my old friends because I didn’t want to be part of their toxic drinking culture. I’ve been bullied no matter what I do. Totally bullied by so many people and that’s mainly what is holding me back from making new friends too. That and the social anxiety and depression I’ve now come to terms with that I do have and it didn’t go away from when I was little. That was just alcohol covering it up. I need advice. It’s like I’m more who I am than I ever was in the past 8 years but I hate this person. The person I became I tried to become and it worked.. for a bit. I had all the friends, I had all the parties to go to, I had all the fun.. from the outside. But now it’s like it’s hard to make friends without any friends. Everyone seems to be drinking and going to bars and that’s it. I don’t even know how to have fun or be a fun person to hang around. And social media haunts me because everyone’s always there watching.. everyone from the past who has bullied me and wants to see me fail. Why do I care so much about these superficial things still? Why do I want to be popular and have things to do on the weekends and fit in? Why am I letting my past affect my relationship with someone who I love so much?