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  3. does this happen to you? parent gossiping about children?

does this happen to you? parent gossiping about children?
jotee November 25th, 2021
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hey guys! my family is so toxic!!! It's mainly my father and everything my siblings do is learned from him.

would you ever see a man talk to his son about another son? and then talk about that son to a different family member??? it'll go in circles! he tells me that 2 of my siblings are crazy. then he tells another sibling that I am crazy! he loves doing this. like he wants his children to hate each other??? or he'd "hire" one of his kids to talk to another sibling about how crazy they are for doing... and nobody likes them and they're weird, and nobody will marry them... hell prep the child on things to say and then listen under to hear the conversation. He'd also do it straight. tell his kid straight to their face that they are fat/weird/crazy/stupid...

I can't handle this abuse!!! this is messed up!!!! he's such a 2 facer!!! btw, this is only one of the things he does! I'm only living at home for financial reasons. I'm starting to wonder if it's even worth it. maybe I should spend my entire paycheck by moving out and having to pay rent?

does anybody have a name for this sort of behavior? does anybody have a similar family situation?

😥Jo

5
VioletSpringGlade December 14th, 2021
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@jotee

It is often called 'triangling' or 'triangulating'. Instead of clear communication between two people, one draws in a third to vent to or involved somehow.

I love Bowen Family Therapy / Bowen Family Systems Theory for learning about these sorts of family patterns that just keep running in families unconsciously. It is learned behaviour that gets passed down from generation to generation until someone notices and does something about it (makes changes in their own behaviour to stop doing that.

jotee OP December 16th, 2021
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@VioletSpringGlade thank you for responding.

I read about triangles in family systems, but my family is different.

VioletSpringGlade December 16th, 2021
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@jotee

I was just meaning it is called triangling/triangulating when a person talks to someone about another person. But it can be done in so many different ways.

It sounds like he is 'gaslighting' also, and it sounds like emotionally abusive and manipulative behaviour. To tell a child they are weird/crazy/stupid is harmful and not OK.

Good on you for recognising something is wrong and finding out more. 💛

SoftFaith2004 December 18th, 2021
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@jotee yes! I hate it!

Goofimuss April 28th, 2023
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I’m not sure if this is exactly what you are talking about, but something similar happens to me too. I live in a camper right now and all the time in the wee hours of the morning I’ll hear my mom talking about me to my dad, and it’s never anything good. It’s always “she’s crazy, she’s so bullheaded, have you seen the way she dresses?” Part of me thinks that they both know I’m awake and want to be condescending, and the other part of me thinks they think I’m asleep and they really just don’t care about me at all.

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