Where Is My Mother's Love?

When I was a child, my mother started dating this man her brother was friends with in high school. Instantly me, my younger sister and brother knew something was off about him. He never spoke to us, was very selfish and self centered and this was just the "calm" before the storm. Only three months after he and my mother hooked up she announced to me she was pregnant with his child... I felt broken. Something was off about this guy and my mother couldn't see it. She was so "in love". At this time I wasn't really seeing my father like I used to because he was going through a rough time with his girlfriend and didn't want us around that. Then one night, my mom's boyfriend came in drunk, something that became the usual, and started hooping and hollering about how my 6 year old brother needed to stop wrestling with his son and being rough with him. What did he expect, they were boys.... He antagonized us and kept turning off the TV before he slammed it on the floor and broke it. Then he picked my brother up (only 80-90lbs) and slammed him on a table. I, being the the big sister, attacked him in defense of my younger brother. He choked me and my sister and counsins yelled at him to leave us alone. He left the house and I catered to my brother, who couldn't breath and was crying his eyes out. My mother comes downstairs after it all, and when I asked to call my father she threatened me and told me not to call him, that it wa none of his business. I never told my father for six years while this type of drama and chaos continued.... I lived in depression and sadness for years, resenting my mother (but painfully loving her). I was conflicted and hurt and felt like I was constantly competing for her love, not realizing that it never belonged to me to beginning with. To this day my mother is still with him, and the reason why is beyond me... I am in college now and don't deal with him anymore, but my siblings still have to deal with him. He doesn't hit on them anymore because they are older and bigger, but he loves to argue and taunt them. My past haunts me, and the aching questions of whether my mother loves me. Sometimes I want to know if she really loves me, and then other times I want to just leave this question and these problems unsolved because I am afraid of what truths might come out. I just want to rid myself of this pain and these demons and get my siblings as far away from him and that house and my mother as possible. Because none of us are truly happy, and that's all that matters to me.