What happened to me [trigger warning]

Hello my love,
You are not hurting anyone by bravely sharing.

Firstly, I'm ever so sorry you've experienced this and the hardship you have been through is acknowledged and valid.
Your emotions are valid and I want you to understand and truly believe and know this is not your fault. The decisions you made are not at fault for what happened.
Whether you invited him over, whether you got drunk with him, whether you did anything other than consent, that does not mean he is allowed to violate you and harm you, enter your space and your private being without your consent.
It does not matter if you'd been drinking, it doesn't matter if your body wasn't covered , you did not say yes. You did not consent therefore, he is in the wrong, this is his fault. You made it clear before hand you didn't want sex, that should've been clear enough.
I am almost certain my love, that he have spiked your drink. If he suggested you to drink his 'barely touched drink' and you woke up with him on top of you, it is very likely.
The fact you wanted to scream but couldn't, the fact you could barely move your arms as well.
I understand what it's like to have someone touch you and physically put themselves inside you without consenting and not knowing what's going on.
I do, I promise.
Just because it may have only lasted seconds does not change anything that has happened, it does not invalidate it.
I'm not in a place to say whether you were raped but it is very likely. He kept telling you you enjoyed it, he didn't give you much detail.
And you are correct, you may have not said no, but you absolutely did not say yes and you made it very clear beforehand you did not want sex.
It is more than enough to ask of a human to remember that you do not want sex and have not consented.
Please please listen when I say you do not need to be ashamed. This is not a reflection of you, you are brave, strong and you are speaking out.
You have nothing to be guilty of, this is not your fault.
You would not have been the stupid girl if you had, you are not now. You would be the brave girl who was attacked by someone who she thought was a respectable human being.
When you consented and you did have sec with him, although you did consent, he manipulated you. Backing you into a corner so you feel afraid and to not have the right to say no. You have no need to feel shame, the shame is on his shoulders.
I'm sorry you felt pain, I'm sorry this has happened and I care for you.
You are not cheap, you are not a slut. Your brother has a very twisted mindset which is unhealthy, not true and has been moulded by society who shames women and rape victims especially. Read that again.
These questions you ask yourself, you were manipulated into consenting, which still isn't consent.
So you got drunk with a guy you'd known for 3 weeks? So? We shouldn't have to live in a world where people can't do that, you assumed (which is natural) that you would be fine, be safe because you judge people by your own standards. But there are dangerous people out there.
As you know.
I understand that this has caused you to go downhill and take a few steps back, but it's only stepping forward from here ok.
You are not helpless, and you self loathing is aimed at the wrong person.
You are going to seek help, you are going to understand that you are survivor, a beautiful brave survivor. I have faith in you.
It is not pathetic because it happened when you were 18, I was sexually assaulted a few weeks back and I was 18.
Whether you are 6, 18 or 54, it is YOUR body. this isn't something you just get over and no one is forcing you to get over it.
It will take time, talking to someone, seeking help and a rollercoaster of emotions but there are people out here, on here, your family who care about you.
I highly suggest you call a rape/sexual assault hotline or head to a sex clinic and ask to speak to someone there. It will help you, I promise.
You are not alone in this.
This vile boy is not worth you wishing your life away, you are better and more worthy and have more soul and more integrity than he knows exists.
I care for you, I understand but I have faith in you that you will get strong and come out the other side.
I'm sending you healing and strong spirits.

I am terribly sorry to hear what you had to go through. What happened... Happened. There is no changing the past. The pain doesn't subsidize in a day or a week or a months. It will never ever go away. You just learn to live with it. It becomes dilute. First thing you wanna do : don't hold it back. If you want to talk to someone about it ... Please do. Get it off your chest. Will post helplines too. Any how. Back to the core issue.

http://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1qZBw0JyVC8IVeUtXQJtvSMIKV7yI07XHggPGtzZceT0/edit#gid=0

https://ohl.rainn.org/online/ live chat for sexual abuse related things

Support and Resources for survivors of rape and sexual abuse:

◆ Pandys

◆ Dancing in the Darkness

◆ After Silence

Recommended books:

Books can be a great source of comfort and also inspiration to someone who is healing from any traumatic experience. Below are a list of books, some of which I found personally very helpful in my recovery. At this moment in time the first two books are available for free online and I have provided the links for you. The others are books for purchase. Again, please make sure you ask a member if they are interesting in any reading material before you offer these resources. Particularly the second one, Voices of Courage, which can be very triggering.

◆ The Courage to be Me by Nina Burrowes - this is a free online book - it is a story of courage, self-compassion and hope after sexual abuse.

◆ Voices of Courage: Inspiration from Survivors of Sexual Assault by Michael Dormitz - from tragedy to triumph, these are a collection of true stories from survivors.

◆ Journey to Wholeness: Healing from the Trauma of Rape by Vicki Aranow and Monique Lang - this is a great book. Half is written for survivors who have experienced assault recently and the other half is for those who have experienced it in the past but are still struggling.

◆ I Can't Get Over It: A Handbook for Trauma Survivors by Aphrodite T Matsakis Phd - a self-help book on the topic of trauma recovery

◆ Beginning to Heal (Revised Edition): A First Book for Men and Women Who Were Sexually Abused As Children by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis - this book provides guidance for all survivors starting the healing journey

◆ The Courage to Heal Workbook: For Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse - a workbook that many survivors have found useful. Especially when worked through with a therapist for those in long term counselling.

The last thing I would like to discuss on this post is the little known subject of Tonic Immobility. You may find this helpful when a member approaches you with feelings of intense guilt and shame about not having done enough to prevent the abuse or assault - comments such as "Why didn't I try to run away?" or "Why didn't I fight back?" or "Why didn't I fight harder and maybe this wouldn't have happened to me?" are all common responses to a traumatic experience. Knowing about tonic immobility and the science of trauma can assist you in better helping members to understand what happened at the time of the assault and why they shouldn?t blame themselves for not having done more.

Tonic immobility has for a long time been used to describe the natural state of paralysis which animals enter, often where they become immobilized, when they feel threatened by a predator. It has been explained as a type of natural hypnosis, which is involuntary, but is designed to protect that animal from further harm or even death. Much research has been done recently in which tonic immobility is said to occur in humans too that are subject to intense trauma such as rape and sexual assault. In the past people have tended to focus on fight or flight as the two options when faced with a threat but what has become apparent is that there is another aspect to consider, freeze. The freeze response is a very common and involuntary response to threat. It is the state in which someone experiences temporary paralysis when they are in a life threatening situation and it is the brain?s ability to control the body to prevent further harm or even death by sending you into a semi-catatonic state. It is what is often referred to as ?survival mode?. What is so important about further researching and understanding tonic immobility is that it gives us a framework for understanding why victims of rape or sexual assault are very often unable to fight back. It is something that many victims struggle with after such a traumatic experience - the thought about what they could have done differently and how they could have fought harder or run away. These thoughts lead to overwhelming feelings of guilt, shame, and regret with the victim believing if they had fought harder that they could have prevented the assault. But the truth is that they couldn?t have prevented it because they were experiencing tonic immobility. This subject has now been used in court cases in recent years to support victims where perpetrators have argued that the victim consented to sex based on the fact that they didn?t fight back. Whilst we know it is true that the victim didn?t fight back, we now understand it was the case because they physically couldn?t.

stay strong.

This is something that happened to me. I have been afraid to talk about it, due to my fears of being judged, ignored, or shamed for it. However, I need to get this off of my chest.

Recently, I was taken advantage of, by a very close friend of mine. On the night of my grad party, I had a few close friends spend the night. This included my close friend, let's say his name is Joe, to protect his privacy.

Anyway, that night, when we all went to sleep in the tent, Joe slept behind me. He began cuddling me, which I didn't see as a big deal. I fell asleep, still durled up against Joe.

Early in the morning, my other friend woke up so he could go home. The only other person who had stayed the night went for a walk, leaving me and Joe alone together. I was freezing, so Joe pulled me up to him to keep me warm. I started to fall asleep again. At this point, I was exhausted, to the point where I wasn't coherent enough to make choices.

Before I knew it, Joe started to kiss me. At the beginning, it was just my forehead and cheeks, so I didn't think anyhing of it. Then it was my mouth. This was my first kiss, which suddenly had me in shock, still unable to make choices.

The next thing I knew, Joe was above me. His hands had found his way up my shirt, and was unhooking my bra. He also had hands down my pants, touching me in that area. I was still half asleep, not realzing what was happening. By the time I came around, he had gone far. Nothing insanely serious happened, he never took my clothes off, but he went far enough for me to be uncomfortable. I attempted several times to push him away, but he would continue. He only stopped when I pushed him completely off of me and left the tent.

This has killed me. Joe had killed me. He was my closest friend. He broke my trust. He took away my first kiss. My innocence. I know it doesn't sound too bad, but it is to me.

That night, Joe texted me and said that he had been drunk. He claimed that it was a bad choice, and it was a mistake. He never formally apologized.

I feel as though this is my fault. I feel that I should have stopped him earlier. My friends have told me that this could be considered as rape.

I'm not comfortable talking about this. But, I needed to let people know. Thank you for listening.

I was an 8 yearold boy when I remember it starting.I was raped for a few years by a family member. It caused a lot of issues for me.

The short version is that I began to know what I was supposed to do to make him happy and if I did, things were a lot more easy to "take". He "lent' me to a neighboureventually as well. By that time, I almost enjoyed it because I felt wanted and cared for in some twisted way. I feel as though this trauma molded me into thinking a certain way.

I grew up always attracted to women in all ways. I felt awkward until my early 20's making love though. But in my teen years I began to fantasize about men. Older men. I enjoyed being sexually used. I hated men but wanted them. I still live with this urge everyday. I actually am attracted to women and transgender people. I think they are all beautiful. I think mensorgans are amazing in their own way too. But I don't actually like men. I just crave them. I am lost in my sexuality. I've been having nightmares and flashbacks to when I was younger than age 8. I have no memories of a younger age except these flashbacks.there was also a 3rd man when I was about 10 but I think you get the picture.

Sometimes I act on my urges but then feel ashamed and disgusted yet excited again. There is no real logic in my own mind.I have never done well with making male friends. There are people who like me as a friend...a lot of people. But they dont know how much I have to fake small talk and all that stuff. I have major social anxiety but my "friends" would never see it or even believe it if I told them. I'm in pain every single pain from a bunch of permanent back and joint issues. The nightmares are worse than ever.

I was married once, but her kinks disturbed my childhood memories.Nobody wants to date a broken man who struggles to go out and enjoy a life of pain.

So this is my attempt at having at least some little part of my life improve before I finally grab one of my dark thoughts.