The things we don't talk about(TW: Child Abuse)

Oh boy, this is a rant,

Here is the thing okay, our childhood was not conducive to producing a stable minded person. No matter the falsity and distorted reality our parents seem to be under. what childhood mother, when exactly was this? and when exactly were you my mother instead of the women I had to appease and work around to live life. and least father just doesn't want to talk about his mess he left instead of pretending it doesn't exist.

Emotional Abuse, Mental Abuse, gaslighting, and neglect (heavy on the neglect of the safety aspect of the pyramid.). I can say with complete honest we don't know if we check off the others because our memory is holey cheese because of ADHD and Trauma.

Now that all stuff we talk about, in both because we know it's the healthy thing and also a little in spite because of the don't tell anyone mentality they instilled in me that we have been rebelling against for a long time. It also a little bit in anger because we don't censor myself at all even if they are in hearing range.

Now the things we don't talk about: the holes in the memories, We may never know what is hiding there and we may not want too.

The big thing we don't talk about is the fact there is two of us in this one body. Well, that is the best descriptor that can name it, we mostly now live in harmony to the point that we don't notice and live life as 'I' just fine, but also sometimes there is a disconnect that reminds us, things that don't translate over, things we don't agree on. Emotions the other feels strong than the other doesn't. We don't talk about it because imposter syndrome and worried that people won't understand.

I think we became two entities around middle school. Before that, we were one person trying to be two different people, Home and School personas, and there may have been the third persona between them were the memories we don't remember hide. Middle school was when it became a matter of survival, we lost our entire support network in a fell swoop of moving across state and landed into a heavy bullying situation and so I spent a lot of time alone left to deal with the bullying and then continuously I was left alone to try and manage my trauma, hell my mother forced us to continue to go to my fathers

(We found out as an adult it was because our mother had to basically blackmail our father to get custody of our brother which you know what okay, I get that no one wanted to go to court, because we all know we would have ended up in the system but that would have been nice to know instead of the bullshit answer that we had to do it myself because it would be the adult thing but she wanted to "protect us" and not talk "bad" about our father, like bullshit we found out the only reason we even went to my mothers is because my father didn't want me anymore now that I was becoming a teenager, well okay it wasn't phrased like that but still the sentiment stands. The man saw only my mother in me, which yeah creepy but at least he didn't get a chance to murder us as I thought at the time he would one day if I stayed there. Her "protecting" us made everything he did feel like it was our fault that we were subjected to it because we didn't have the courage to face the monster inside him by telling him 'no'. An awesome protecting there really, truly something to aspire too, not.)

any way every summer something would happen. Our father and us, during middle school and high school, can be summed up in summer (a few other holiday ones too just to spice it up) blowouts. Every year until we was nineteen the man and we would end up in a screaming match, hell one time we even called the cops on him. (for the second time but like that was another story for another day) On my nineteenth birthday was the biggest one to date only because for about a year and a half technically we were what we would call disowned. :D

So yeah, year after year I was left to try and pick up the pieces, for already a pretty damaged puzzle, it just so happened the pieces end up making two puzzles. We adapted.

It's not like we are completely different people, think of it more like twins sharing the same body. Neither of us is unaware what the other does, it more like always having a back seat driver. We share our common name but neither are attached to like people seem to be. We have thought about giving names to each other but we haven't quite found names that fit.

It doesn't affect us negatively, so don't think many therapist/psychiatrist will want to combine the two of us, especially seeing as we are both aware what the other does and are pretty functional members of society, and ADHD/depression/anxiety has a bigger negative effect than the fact we have two similar if a little different personalities sharing the same body.

Sorry for all the switching between I and we, were used to correcting (people get pretty uncomfrotable if you use plural first person) and somethings the other simply doesn't feel so it comes out I and some was because it was before the divide.

Did this rambling mess make sense to anyone?