The Pit

I’ve been dealing with the outcome of an abusive relationship. I have a lot of mental health background, having had anorexia, borderline personality disorder, etc. I’m not new to trauma. But this in particular is new to me.

I love my boyfriend very much. We lived together for a year. We planned on spending our lives together and having kids. Over time he became increasingly controlling, manipulative, and abusive physically and emotionally. One night towards the end of October (so right before all of the holidays), a neighbor called the police, and he was arrested. Now he’s facing a felony charge and multiple misdemeanors.

I’m angry that someone called the police. It wasn’t any of their business. The abuse had become part of my life, and I had accepted that. I could handle it. What I can’t handle is losing my boyfriend, my dog, my home, and my best friend. I had to move in with my parents in order for him to be released. And now there’s a government mandated no contact order in place, so I haven’t even been able to talk with him since that night.

I can’t understand why I want to go back to someone who might kill me. Or how I can be so in love with someone who is capable of actually torturing me. But that’s where I’m at.

I feel as though I lost myself somewhere along the way. I have no sense of self or identity. I spend a lot of time dissociated. It is by far the darkest point in my life thus far.

I guess I’m looking for a community where people can understand and relate on a certain level. I don’t know anyone who’s been through anything like this.

Thanks for listening.