TW (TRIGGER WARNING: general abuse) Given up on men

Sometimes, i find myself wanting a companion. Someone I can love and be all corny with.. then I remember everything Ive been through and how the worst part of my life have only been with the male gender. How Ive been used to make my first “boyfriend’s” ex jealous, how cold he was about it. How the next guy violated me and told everyone I screwed him and left. When the truth was I wanted to go home and shower how obsessive I became with cleanliness, how nothing ever felt clean enough... How the next emotionally manipulated me into staying with him out of guilt & pitty. How he stalked me to the point of having to move over 80 miles away from him to make it stop. How I had to change my number... how I was so used to terrible men that when I had a good one I became the abusive one, how I pushed him away, how I hurt him..... and will forever live to regret it but also why I sought out to get help... Forcing me to return to the very first man who really broke me.. my father. Who chose a hooker from TJ ove his family, how he beat my mother cus he was allowed to do whatever he wanted but god forbid she tried to be happy. How we lost everything cus he couldn’t afford his double life anymore. How he played the victim cus my mom was sick of his shit and wanted a divorce and all the horrible things he tried to put her through as if she was the ne who put us into debt, lost our home and made HIS business go under. How he manipulated me and my want for my dads love and acceptance to his own advantage. How he allowed my brother to hit me choke me till I turned blue cus he was busy with his whores. How he had the audacity to take me to the house that he and his slut shared for a therapy session in TIjuana Mexico THERAPY SESSION! (Im near the border) I want to believe in love. The little girl in me wants her knight in shinning armor but One I highly doubt he exist Two, If he does, Id scare him away anyways Three Im too scared of men to even let them get near me... im so tired....