Sexual Assault, was it all his fault?
just a potential TW for you lovely people, be brave, xx ***
I keep so, so much pain inside myself. The memory of a stranger making my body a crime scene. I grasp my anger and loneliness and hold it, and it's changed me. I don't recognize myself as the person I was before. And despite the constant reminders from the support person in my life Mr B, that it in fact, was NOT my fault, I still feel like it is. Because if I had not gone on a bike ride alone, if I had not taken a sports drink from a stranger, maybe just one more NO, maybe it wouldn't have happened. Maybe it wasn't all his fault, maybe I'm to blame as well. So months came, and months went, of flashbacks, guilt, progress, and regress. I feel so exhausted, tired, sad, like I'm suffocating. I miss myself, I miss smiling, I miss being happy. I miss the days where suicide was never a state of mind. But, for anyone else that's dealing with this or anything similar, please remember. "You still smile, you still laugh, you still see gold in the dust. You still have a heart in there, so keep being brave. It's not your fault"-my teacher Mr B
comment if you can, if you need support I'm here xx
@ashes04
Well Mr B sounds like he certainly knows what hes talking about. I really hope youre able to let his words sink in.
Youve been through an awful experience, and you sound like youre experiencing a lot of ‘what if. What if Id not done this, what if Id said that, what if Id been five minutes later, what if, what if. Sadly the circumstances were what they were, to put you in the path of your attacker. You didnt go out with the intent of being in that situation - unhappily you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Your attacker held all the cards. He could have changed the outcome, him alone, but he chose to commit a crime with you as his victim. Mr B is absolutely right - that was not your fault, not at all.
I dont know what other support you have available to you? Have you reported this? Have you told others? You mention suicidal thoughts, and its really important you share those thoughts with others so you can get that extra support you need on your darkest days. In my experience, sharing your feelings helps. It doesnt change whats happened, but it does help to take away the shame that can often follow trauma. It wasnt your fault ashes - your attacker is the one whos done wrong.
I can relate so much. Thanks for this post.
