Psychological wounds splitting open again (check the TW before reading and enter with caution)

**TW** sexual assult, capital letters, mention of r*pe, childhood sexual assult

recently, my trauma has really been affecting me again. i noticed taht i had been sexually assulted three times instead of two and i feel like i should tell my family but i'm worried they wont understand why i'm bringing it up after 9 years or why i never spoke up about it before. truth is, i didn't know that it could be considered as sexual assult until now and i had buried it so deep into my childhood that i forgot it had even happened. it happened in a classroom full of people repeatedly even when i told him i didn't like it and wanted it to stop. i don't kniw how a teacher didn't notice or put a stop to it. i was 8 years old and it makes me feel so dirty, especially holw i didn't put up a fight. i was so confused about what was happening that i don't think i ever processed it. i think writing this is helping me to bury it again. i don't want to relive this trauma over and over again because it causes more pain to think about than all of the other ones. honestly this post is just me getting it out of my system so i can just avoid it and not get hurt by it anymore. i really really don't want ot face this one like i can the others because i was so young and innocent and i genuinely think that situation changed me and ruined my chances of success and comfort in life and could've also triggered my anxiety disorders. it's just so horrible to think that a demon child from 9 years ago can cause problems with intimacy with my current boyfriend even after us being together for 15 months, it still causes me problems. i am so scared to face sex, yet i do really want to do it in order to feel connected to my partner, which unfortunately i struggle to do and just experinece fear instead.

last night i told 10 of my friends on a private story on snapchat that i am a victim of sexual assult and i am so insanely proud of myself for that. it was really really diffult thouhg. i just wish i could live without the burden and stresses of being avictim. i'm trying to redefine myslef from victim to survivor but it is so difficult and i don't think i'm strong enough to do it alone, i am really struggling with that. i just wish it whouldn't be so heavy all the time. it feels like i carry rocks around with me every day and so many opportunities are missed like i can't go out alone in the dark because i'm far too scared - i must always be on the phone with someone or with somoen in person to feel safe. that's not a very nice existence as it means i can never be independant, i will always rely on others in order ot live my life and just feel mildly contented in the outside world.

finally, the social media awareness of sexual assultm especially in the uk, recent has been greatly appreciated but seeing it 24/7 can be really upsetting and triggering. people don't realise that posting it everywhere very quickly becomes an hourly reminded that YOU were assulted. YOU were hurt. YOU were violated. my trauma has never been so bad before and i think social media has a lot to say for that. i know they thikit's helpful and beneficial but why don't they ask a survivor. why don't they ask one of us what we think and how we feel. occassionally, it's ok to raise awareness but when theres 50 posts an hour on my feed, it is so difficult to avoid. also, i watched an episode of the bold type last night and there was awareness and a storyline about sexual abuse and rape. this triggered me i can't lie and also it dug into some emotos surrounding sexual assult that i didn't know i had. it made me feel so bare and vulnerable and i don't want to feel like that anymore. i dont want to be trapped in my trauma, i want to be free, and hopefully, one day i can be. that day certainly isn't today though.

also, i saw my second abuser today. i have had three. and seeing him really triggered and upset me. i tried to stay calm but after my trauma being as bad as it is, i dont know why the universe made me see him, as if im not struggling enough with that at the moment. i told my boyfriend and my dad though so they're able to know he's still in the area and keep me safe

thank you all so much for reading if you made it this far. this was just the opportunity for me to spill some things that have been really bothering me and i feel better now i've had the chance to get them off my chest. i have decided that i'm just going to try and rebury the trauma from when i was 8 as i have always done as i would rather not have to experience this pain. i wish i could talk to someone about this in person without breaking down. i wish i could have a face to face conversation with a therpaist, an adult, someone who understands me, another survivor. i don't want to feel alone anymore because i know i am not alone - i just don't personally know anyone like me.

sorry for the spelling mistakes! i wrote in the flow and checking spelling errors would break that flow.

replies are welcome, especially if you are like me. it would help to know i'm not alone