Need a breath
I'm exhausted. Had a major panic attack when my boss told me I could no longer take my mask off, even at my desk. My desk was my safe space since I sanitize it myself multiple times a day (yay working for the public.) Knowing I could go to my desk or my supervisors office to take my mask off and breathe allowed me to be at work without any issues. But as soon as my safe spaces were taken away (used to use the bathroom, but that's not even safe) I felt my body starting to panic. Did everything I could, grounded myself by spelling people's names backwards or counting down from 100 by 7's, taking breaths 4-7-8... Body is shaking, I think I'm nearing the point of no return and the next thing I remember I'm sitting across from my manager on the phone with my new psychiatrist's head nurse walking me through things and calming me down. I'm still not used to people genuinely caring about my well-being, even from my job... But today I had both. They're doing the heavy lifting and filling out emergency Covid leave for me. Is this... What getting myself put back together feels like? It's been so long that it's hard for me to tell but something is telling me that...
Yes, it is.
Some song lyrics that are going through my head.
Everything I said I wouldnt do, I did
Life just happens and it is what it is
Thats how I used to think as a kid
But better learn to swim or youll sink with the ship
'Cause in a blink of a lid, youll be twice your age
And then till now is like night and day
And that perfect life that youre fighting for
Can be lost in a series of sliding doors
Too proud to say that you need some help
When you look In the mirror do you see yourself?
See the way I was I couldnt stand it honestly
'Cause the old me was tryna kill the man I wanna be
And so life took me on the scenic route
To reach deep inside and get the demons out
Then turn that storm to vanilla in the summer sky
Caterpillar to a butterfly
@TransparentPuzzle .I'm so glad you found some friends that could help.
