My safe space to vent and express (TW: Ga*gr***, Attempt to Mur***, PTSD)

Heaviness

TW: graphics (not extreme)- Sexual Assault

I feel this strange feeling almost all the time of having some weight on top of me. I have in these around 3 years never slept on my back, I sleep sideways. Because somehow I feel that laying straight would make me more vulnerable and I won't be able to sit up, etc. I feel heaviness in my chest and actually the entire body. There are physical manifestations that are tough to actually describe...it is like being assaulted every single moment. I was a virgin when this happened so everything came like a big shock to me and despite being 19 I hadn't discovered my body well so now everything about my body just digusts me.

They kind of squeezed my body and...getting heavy to express. Next time!

Why shouldn't I get an accountability

I am feeling very heavy. I have a lot of questions, which are never going to get answered. My University Administration never fails to hurt me, what is my fault for speaking up for myself. They are trying to make me lose my strength, my energy. They are trying to humiliate me. I cry a lot seeing their apathy. Now my University is bringing in a lot of reforms, but what about me. Doesn't my life hold any importance...

They killed the life in me, the innocence in me and now just holding their positions and acting like nothing happened. It's painful. Now that I have to go there and study it is all the way more upsetting and traumatising to see them facing no consequences for what they have done to me.

Why?

This question bugs me a lot...why did it happen and infact in general why do some people choose to rape? Why?

Going back to University is a tough deal. I am trying to cope my level best otherwise I might be thrown out based on my mental health. There is no fault of mine still...well not all questions have answers and everything happens or works logically I believe.

I was face to face with the head of my University (he failed to do his duty which ultimately led to gangrape) still I couldn't say a word. I saw him in anger and I just couldn't react. The fight with the administration is still on and I am not going to give up no matter what. I owe to myself some sense of justice.

It will be a month of me starting with meds not seeing drastic results but able to sleep better and eat better.

I failed at writing exams but I am very positive when I will write my papers at repeat exams I will do well. I can fall but I am not going to stay there. Will write here again soon...makes me feel lighter

God please send me some medicine which will let me forgive everyone and forget everything. This is something everyone wants so let this be...I can't forgive nor forget. I will any day choose to die than to let the culprits be free...

Sending so much love your way, @energeticThinker3129 ❤

I just read your posts. How dare someone treat you that way let alone a group of them. I am so sorry you had to experience that side of humanity or inhumanity. I completely understand your pain of losing a baby. It's the worst thing in the world. I wasn't raped but I was molested so I understand what it's like to be violated. I understand what it's like to hate your body. I understand what it's like to have to face your perpetrator. Please know you are not alone hun. There are so many people here that want to support and help you. You are among friends who understand you and your feelings. Please don't ever feel alone. We're always here for you. I'm in the share circle most nights for a few hours. You don't have to share but we'd love for you to join us. I find supporting to be very rewarding. Thank you for being so brave in telling your story. You deserve justice and so much more. Biggest hugs ever 🤗 ❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜❤🧡💛💚💙💜🤗

To my University Administration!

I hate you I hateeeeee you. What do you expect a survivor to do to harm themselves to weep alone to not question you to not ask what was their fault to not ask for accountability. I cry because I can cry but I am not going to stay silent I will scream I will shout I don't care about your reputation when you didn't care about my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Year coming to an end-let's sum up!

The months went by when I could myself hear my teachers talking something bad about me but I calmed myself down realizing that everyone has their own opinions on everything so I can't literally expect everyone to believe me or support me there are going to be people who would hate me, disbelieve me, pull me down. At the end, I have my family and friends who are there with me. I am truly grateful for this. I appeared in 11 exams back to back and managed to do well in them. The Administration even called my father for a meeting and humiliated him by saying stuffs that your daughter always cries and so on. Recently, they even published an article about me on the official website of the University with my name that I was raped. They also accused me of things that I never did like trespass or feigning of ill health or hallucinating. They have got no prove and also told me to be a threat for myself and others. While their words do hurt me I try to remember what my therapist, family and psychiatrist tell me that I should not pay attention to what they say. After all their lies can't change my truth. However it is heartbreaking to see the culture that a Law University is promoting-victim shaming and blaming. My parents and friends have got my back and we are doing everything possible to resolve these issues.

I went for picnics with my family. I am spending good time with my loved ones. For the new year I pray to have more patience, more resilience, more strength, more determination and hard work. I promise to myself that I will prioritize my well being. The rapists and the society will try their level best to pull me down but I will keep fighting for justice and at the same time live my life. A very happy new year to anyone reading this. Do remember that with every year you are building strength and wisdom and I am super proud of you to pull off this year. Caring vibes and love to anyone in need❤️

What's been going on

I have taken help from Chancellor and other authorities but no concrete step in this regard has been taken yet. I am still fighting for my cause and will continue to do so. Gangrape was tough but even tougher is how the environment around me is, with people mocking, questioning, etc. University Administration says that my PTSD-related crying is a lot and that my crying scared them off, that me leaving in between some very few classes when getting flashbacks is like a student scribbling in the class, disturbing the teacher. They also have commented that I am sharing the incidents with juniors but who are they to decide to whom and how many I share my personal story, who are they to decide how much I cry, who are they to compare a rape survivor to a student disinterested in studies. What the *** is wrong with these people? Counseling with the new psychologist is going fine. Studies are going fine. I am still on meds though for my PTSD which I need to quit asap. To me and anyone reading this- Go on fearless and face this world but at your own pace!<3