Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav

My not-so-private diary

Smily1225 June 5th, 2021

Well. Here is goes.

6
Smily1225 OP June 7th, 2021

I've been having a lot of anxiety lately for various reasons. I live with my boyfriend in his parents' house. I used to have my own apartment but I moved here to save some money. It's been a year since I moved here. I don't like living here. I'm finally moving out in two weeks.

I had been planning this move months before. The plan was for my boyfriend and me to move in June to a city just 2 hours away. But last month he told me he wasn't ready. He said it was a big step for him. He was having anxiety over it. He's studying on his own so that he can get a job when we move. He said he wants to move. He said his plan is to be ready sometime in September. But I'm having a hard time trusting that since he flipped the script on my once already. I'm just ready to get out of this house. I'm moving in with a friend for a couple of months. If my bf is not ready to move in September, I don't know what I will do.

Smily1225 OP June 7th, 2021

***Possible TW for emotional abuse***

I've been having flashbacks. I think I have them every day. Sometimes they are about my last relationship and my ex bf. Often they are about a series of events that happened last year. Sometimes they are about other past events from years ago.

I hadn't thought of it as PTSD. I still don't know for sure if I am "allowed" to call it a trauma. I know I can call it whatever it feels like to me, but compared to what some people have experienced it seems less severe. I go back and forth with blame. Mostly I blame myself, even though I know I'm not supposed to. Yet I can't help feeling that it was my fault. I let it happen. I pushed for it. I didn't stop it.

I have accepted that it was emotional abuse. It took me a while to realize it. I even thought that I had had control of the situation. Whenever things happen I always believe that I am in control. That I know what I'm doing. That I'm doing my best.

I have a really good memory. I remember words, events, phrases, how I was feeling, in great detail. It is difficult for me to purposefully forget something. I often thing about the past and all the things that happened to me, all the things I did. I used to believe that these past events made me stronger because I could grow from the hurt. Now I'm having trouble coming to terms with what happened.

Smily1225 OP June 22nd, 2021

Sometimes his image appears in my head. The memories flash. They are still so clear. I know the more I think about them the more warped they get and the harder it is to forget them.

I still feel bad about what happened. I still blame myself. I feel like I hate him but I'd rather feel nothing at all for him. He is not worth my hatred. I know I am just hurting myself.

Sometimes I lash out at people close to me. I am angry at my past. I cannot do anything to change the past, I know, but it is hard to cope with it. I take out my anger on other people who have nothing to do with what happened.

Smily1225 OP June 24th, 2021

He was so twisted. His mind was sick. He was not healthy. I didn't understand. I thought I could help him. I wanted to be helpful. I thought I was doing something good. But he tricked me. I was the victim. He used me. And he blamed me for it.

Smily1225 OP September 5th, 2021

I just realized that I've been internalizing something my abuser said to me.
He said "I mean I know you were desperate..."
I think he said that after he manipulated me into saying that I wanted to have babies with him.
I've thought about what he said, how I was "desperate", and I kind of accepted it about myself.
I thought, well I may have been desperate but he had no right to manipulate me like that.
But I internalized that I was desperate.

A therapist told me that it is perfectly normal to want to be loved and appreciated. It is part of what makes us human, after all.
All this time I had believed that what my abuser had said was true, that I had been desperate. I never questioned it.
Today I am taking back some more of my power by believing that he was wrong.
I was not desperate.
I was merely manipulated and made to think that I was.

Smily1225 OP September 9th, 2021

Is online abuse even real?
I was manipulated and sexually abused through a phone.
Is that even possible?
Was it abuse?
Was it my fault?

I return to this question of Wasn't it my fault?
It all felt so wrong at the time, yet I didn't stop it. In fact I encouraged it. I kept it going. But why?
Maybe I was scared. I got used to the attention.
I feel so bad about it sometimes. Like what was I thinking? I was in control of my actions; I shouldn't have sent what I did.
And I wonder what's wrong with me?
Because it wasn't the first time something like that had happened.
Not the first time at all.
But it was the worst.
I wish I could speak out about it publically.
I wish I could let others know what kind of a person he really is.
I feel so much shame and guilt about it.
I feel like it was my fault.
Because I chose to do what I did.
How do I stop these feelings?