My childhood [ trigger warnings]

I have been contemplating whether I should post this and I have decided to at least try. I have very vivid memory and my memory stretches back very far. When I was born the doctors discovered that my mother has cancer. It took her a couple of years of chemotherapy and bone marrow transplants and going through it twice (the cancer came back soon after the first one) for the cancer to be defeated.

My earliest memories are of visiting her at the hospital. We had to where masks and gloves while in the room with her. I also remember thinking everything was so big. Well, because my mother was often in and out of the hospital and my father worked, my older sisters and family friends would have to watch over me.

When I was 3 we lived in some apartments in the back by the wooden fences. We lived on the lower floor. My middle sister (age 17 or 18 at the time) and my youngest oldest sister (only 3/4 years older than me) lived with us. My oldest sister lived in a different state.

One day I was outside by the bush next to our apartment and my middle sister came out. She exposed herself to me, touched me, and tried to get me to suck on her breasts telling me to "hurry up before dad gets home." I don't know how often she would have touched me but this memory is the most vivid. The upstairs neighbors asked what we were doing and my sister said nothing, just playing. I agreed and said we were playing in the dirt and remember a specific piece of glass shimmering in the sun.

Not long after that some family friends would baby sit me at their place. They would tie me down to a bed and do things to me, making do things with their daughter who was around my age as well. They would also emotionally abuse me. When my parents would drop me off at their place I would cry and beg to not be left their but they had to drop me off and never fully realized why I was begging so much.

A few years after this my middle sister claimed that my father exposed himself to the sister closer to my age. CPS got involved and did the typical interviews with me and my sister, the very cliche with dolls methods. My sister even tried to get custody me of and my sister because of it (thank god she didn't). My dad was using drugs at the time but the charges of child abuse were found to be false and my dad was sent to rehab for his drug problems for two years. We had to live with my grandma instead for the time (including my mom).

Not too long after that my mom started visiting a family friend and she had a son who was younger than me and a daughter that was barely older than me. Well, this girl was psychotic. She would heard voices that told her to kill her brother and to cause physical harm. Well, while my mom and her friend were visiting the kids would go off to play.

The girl would want to play what started off as games such as "monsters under the bed" and such. They turned into her raping me. She would do it anywhere she could. Under her bed, in the bathroom, in the swimming pool, in forts she made, outside in the backyard. Anywhere practically. This happened at east weekly for a year or so.

After I stopped seeing her so much I would visit my cousins on the weekends again. That turned out to not be as fun either. My cousin, a boy, would make me and our other cousins have sex and play "adult truth or dare" and just flat out rape. He taught me how to masturbate, exposed me to porn, and forced us all to have sex. That went on until I was abut 11.

Needless to say I suffered from heavy PTSD and was not a well off 12-14 year old. I would have dreams of those things and still do. I have been a suicide risk since I was 12. I have clinical depression and borderline pd. Relationships are hell for me. When I was 13 my parents divorced and my sister left home during the divorce leaving me completely alone. I use to barely eat during PTSD and was very skinny for it. I never went through therapy because my parents were too busy fighting with each other to notice what I was going through. They probably thought the depression was solely because of their fighting. It wouldn't be for years until I told them what happened. Even still then, they like to act like nothing is wrong with me. I am medicated now. They still even have my rapists as friends on Facebook.

I rarely talk about this because I feel like no one would believe me or just think that I was over reacting. It's taken me a lot to be able to share this on here. I'm sorry that this was so long.