My Sea
I really need a hug right now. The sea is rough. I cannot calm the sea. I should probably sleep seeing as it's almost 2am. But I am scared. Scared to sleep, scared of the nightmares. Scared of my family, scared of people and their unpredictableness. I am so exhausted.
@FloweringBunny just stopping by to send you a hug ❤️
@crimsonLime6525 *hugs back* thank you 
what do you like to be called here?
@FloweringBunny call me Limey ❤️
@FloweringBunny call me Limey ❤️
@FloweringBunny call me Limey ❤️
@FloweringBunny call me Limey ❤️
I hope the sea is calmer today
Today has been better. No triggers today.
I made a cake for the first time in over 6 months and I am quite happy with it. It is a jaffa cake loaf, decorated with jaffa cakes.
I am missing my bunnies today, they meant so much to me and I wish they were still here to have bunny-hugs. Cleo is not a hugging rabbit, but she does let me stroke her. Her sassy little personality keeps me company.
The cake in question for those curious.
@FloweringBunny
I'm so sorry that you lost your Bunny!! 😢😢😢😢!!
I resent lost my Bunny too. 😢😢😢😢!! I really do miss him!!!!
@GuardianAngel77 I'm sorry angel, its so hard losing a pet.
@FloweringBunny
Yes it is! 😢😢
@FloweringBunny
Hi,
Great job on the baking the cake!! 😊😊😊!!
It looks so yummy for your tummy!! 😊😊😊😊!!
I have to look up a recipe for the cake and make one!!
Pat yourself on the back!!
@GuardianAngel77 Thank you angel I used this recipe http://www.goodhousekeeping.co.uk/food/recipes/jaffa-cake-loaf-cake#
@FloweringBunny
I'm glad that you had no triggers today!!
😊😊😊😊😊!!
@FloweringBunny
💗💗💗💗💗!!
Safe, gentle hugs!!
I am struggling today. I have been feeling terrible. I put on weight and have been bitten by bugs and feel disgusting and ugly. I feel inadequate.
I am at a friends house today overnight and some placenames were said that bring back bad memories, it wasn't deliberate but I can't tell my friends why. I have been trying to hold myself together. My friend has two lovely dogs though and they have helped to keep me relatively calm.
I thought I should maybe write a bit of an explanation, I wrote this when feeling really bad, I have had time to think now about why I feel this way. I have been told by many people that I do not look nice, that certain things about me are disgusting. And when people point things out now, I think that I spiral down into self-hatred, I need to work on this. I know that I cannot control being bitten, people are just concerned when they see massive red patches and want to make sure I am ok. I can control my weight, but I am a healthy weight at the moment so I should not worry about it so much. I have had over 10 years to come to terms with a facial scar, and for the most part, it doesn't bother me anymore, but sometimes it feels like I am deformed, people don't know what has caused it and they ignorantly and rudely try to tell me that I need to fix it, when it cannot be fixed.
@FloweringBunny
You are beautiful and wonderful person!! 😊😊😊😊!!
The sea is getting rougher. I know how to temporarily calm the sea, but it is not a good thing to do. I am so exhausted of fighting to stay.
I got my exam results yesterday, I passed all but one exam, but have done enough on coursework to pass the year. I don't feel like I deserve to pass. I should be happy, but I'm not. I don't feel good enough. I am scared to tell my parents. I should have done better. They expect more of me than this.
I went out drinking with friends last night, I felt awful, but was persuaded to go anyway. Drinking just makes it worse, but once I start it's hard to stop, I'm always pressured into getting more drinks, and the more I drink the worse it gets.
Today has been so bad. I am mentally exhausted. I don't see a way out. Everyone says there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, but what if there's not? I don't see any light.
I should sleep, but I don't want the nightmares. The nightmares have been so bad this week, I'm not sure I can cope with them anymore.
I really need to know that I am not alone. That there is someone out there who understands.
@FloweringBunny
I am here for you!!
I understand the nightmares!!
You are not alone!! 😊😊😊😊!!
@FloweringBunny
That's great that you passed your exams!! 😊😊😊!!
I am proud of you!! 😊😊😊!!
Way to go!! 😊😊😊😊!!
Identifying my triggers
1. Shouting
2. Aggression
3. Dangerous driving, especially being in a car with a dangerous driver.
These are the only ones I have identified so far. I had a nightmare last night that included being in a car and it was triggering for me.
It feels like my brain is torturing me. When I am awake with memories and negative thoughts, when I am asleep with nightmares. There is no relief from the torture.
The sea is relatively calm during the day, I have things to do and a mask to put on around people, I cannot let them see inside. Then at night the sea starts to get rougher. I don't have to wear a mask when no one is around. All of the emotions I have suppressed come bubbling up, and demand to be felt. It is very overwhelming. Maybe I shouldn't suppress things so much, but that is what I was trained to do. It is so hard to break free from how I was brought up, how I was told I should act, how I should stop moaning, stop the "water works", stop feeling anything. Does it get easier? I don't think I can cope with this for the rest of my life.
@FloweringBunny
I understand that totally!!